“Leave the gun. Take the cannoli.”

This one's just for the fun of it.

My father was in his mid 40's when I was born. He was the youngest of his five siblings so my aunts and uncles were a bit older than normal. My Aunt Josephine died in her mid 80's when I was 15 and her funeral was my first.

Her service was held at a funeral parlor in Peekskill, New York and, being an Italian family, there wasn't an empty seat in the place. I was sitting next to my dad, waiting for the service to begin, when a sort of hush came over the room as everyone turned to see the two men who had just walked in. Not knowing who they were I ask my dad who told me that one was the husband of my Aunt Bruna who passed before I was born. The other man was his brother. He then added "We think your uncle is connected to the mob. We know his brother is."

OK. So I'm 15, Italian and have family connected to the mob. Who doesn't right? "Cool."

After the service ended the family walked out to a waiting limo headed for the cemetery service. Again I thought "Cool!" Well, I must have said that out loud because my dad said "The limo is for immediate family only. You're going to go with these guys." I turned around to find myself about 3 feet from you know who. My uncle "Maybe Mob" and his brother "Mob".

I don't remember walking to the car but I remember the car like it is sitting in front of me right now. 1978 maroon Chevy station wagon with a tan interior and very clean. I got in the back seat and sat in the exact middle so I would have easy access to escape from either side... should the need arise. That was the logic going through my head as got into the car. 

On the way to the cemetery Uncle Maybe Mob and Mob were just as kind and nice as they could be. Mob drove and Uncle Maybe Mob was turned towards the middle. They asked me questions you'd ask a teen, was I good in school, etc. All the while I'm watching their hands and answering "Yes Sir. No Sir." and keeping my answers as short as possible. The fact that I was going to a funeral in a car with two guys in the Mafia did not escape my notice let me tell you.

After the service at the cemetery my parents and I drove home about an hour away. When we arrived and I got out of the car my dad said "You OK?" I said "Yeah, why?". (I wasn't known for brevity in my speech as a kid either.) Dad said "You haven't said a word since the funeral." In what I think is the only time I yelled at my father I responded "YOU PUT ME IN A CAR WITH THE MOB DAD!". I never saw my father laugh that hard. "IT'S NOT FUNNY DAD!".

It's funny now but it was a long time before I was able to see the humor in it. 

That's a true story.