The Learnings of the League: Family = Pause, Regulate, Reset, Respond. Repeat Forever.

As Esther Perel has put it, “the quality of our lives depends on the quality of our relationships” – and relationships with the people in our families (elders, siblings, offspring) are often absolutely central to our sense of well-being. The time and energy we dedicate to nourish and protect these relationships is some of the most important “work” we’ll ever do. There are many ways to do family “work” well, and just as many ways to do it badly – even with the best intentions. Each one of us stumbles through our family life doing our best with the resources we have, season after season. Sometimes our best may not be good enough, from the perspective of the other. Sometimes the other’s best is not good enough for us. This is painful, when it happens…but it happens to the best of us.??

Because our families are so important to us, it can be destabilizing and upsetting when something in a family relationship goes sideways, or takes a hard turn, or goes off the rails, or flips upside down. It can feel like a very direct threat to our old animal nervous system, tuned for connection. When our nervous system thinks that we’re facing the threat of rupture, how can we remain present? How can we offer support, or ask for it? How can we share the burdens of this most important “work”? How can we hold steady, consistent, non-judgmental space for our loved ones and ourselves? And is it possible to do this even when we are in tension or conflict with them?

For one thing, it’s not always possible. If we expect perfection from ourselves or from our familiars, we’ll be disappointed. No one has this all figured out. If they claim to, they’re lying (perhaps even to themselves). If they seem to, it’s an illusion. And even if a family’s life really does run perfectly for a while – without a hitch or a stumble – it’s a sure thing that this run is temporary. Over the long course of family life, there’s just no way the road will remain permanently smooth.??

It can also be helpful to remember that drama is an option, not a given. Drama is a learned and practiced behavior. Instead of jumping straight into drama, we can practice pausing. Pause, breathe, regulate our nervous system, reset our gauges. And once we find a more grounded space within ourselves, we can choose how to respond. When there is rupture, we can aim our words and actions toward repair. Repeat as necessary, forever.*?

This is the work. This is what it’s like to have a family, to be in a family. This is the blood and guts of it. We all know the challenges of supporting the people that we love when they’re suffering, the protective instincts, the agony of distance, the cold confusion of estrangement… When it’s our turn to dive into a heaping helping of family stress, whatever flavor it comes in, we should know in our bones that we’re not the only one

*As long as there’s no abuse. Abuse is a different story, and may require a different response.