Learnings of The League: Choosing Ourselves

Many of us are highly capable people. Not only can we do hard things, but we can do several hard things at the same time. We’ve been ambitious, inspired, driven, disciplined, perseverant, resilient and resourceful. We’ve set goals, reached them, and surpassed them. We’ve likely been able to excel in our professional lives while tending to our families and relationships at the same time – that is, doing paid labour at work and unpaid labour at home (and emotional labour?everywhere). And then, some of us take on the work of activism for our communities. Someone asks us to do it, and we know we can do it, so we say “yes” – we’ll do it. We’ll do it all.?

We do this for many reasons, and many of those reasons are excellent. The actions that we take in the world are part of the measure of who we are – because, yes, actions do speak louder than words. There’s great value in what we do. The world needs us out there making things happen, seeing things through, carrying it forward. And what a joy it can be to pursue our passions, to get into the zone, to give it all we’ve got! We’ve got so much to give.?

Some of the other reasons deserve a little interrogation, however. We’ve absorbed a lot of messages from culture, society and religion about the virtues of hard work and self-sacrifice, and these messages can get toxic when taken to extremes. We can get addicted to some of these behaviours. We can get addicted to doing everything, being everything, and resolving everything for everyone. It can become a pillar of our identity that we cling to just because it is comfortable in its familiarity, even if it’s actually harming us or depleting us. And that’s often how we step ourselves over the edge of the cliff of burnout.

So here’s a radical invitation: what if our value is not in our doing??

Precisely because we are so needed, we also have to learn to hold out. Hold back. Drop out. Kick back. Say “no.” It can be a ferociously uncomfortable moment, when we’re called and compelled to do something, and we choose not to – but this choice is the ground of true self-care. We must choose ourselves, and choose ourselves deep. Choose ourselves loud. Choose ourselves whole. Because the story of our generation needs us to be healthy and whole at the center of it, sometimes a “no” is actually the most generous gift we can give. Just because we’re capable of doing everything does not mean that everything is ours to do. Just because they ask us doesn’t mean we have to say “yes.”?

We know we can carry mountains on our shoulders, but sometimes, these shoulders just need a massage.?