Learnings of The League: Befriending The Ask

The more we pride ourselves on being highly capable people, the harder it can be for us to acknowledge that we need help and then to ask for it. We might feel afraid of how we’ll be judged when we ask, as if the asking proves that we’re not as capable as we’re supposed to be – and of course, this fear is stronger if we’re in there judging ourselves, or judging anyone who’s asking for help.

Many layers of cultural conditioning bring us to this state. Contemporary Western societies tend to value independence, individualism, self-reliance, and a general DIY approach to life. We applaud those who are able to figure things out, get things done, make things happen – and the less help they (appear to) need, the louder we cheer. Our culture celebrates “self-made” people, and stories of those who were able to “pull themselves up by their own bootstraps.” There’s a lot of wisdom in this ideology, for sure, particularly to the degree that it can inspire confidence in our own resourcefulness, creativity and competence. Individualist ideas can empower us to design our lives in a way that’s best for us. And it’s great to make heroes out of the helpers, the givers, the doers and the “saviours” – let’s keep doing that! Let’s keep helping cool.?

But there’s a lot of fantasy and illusion here, too – and if you look at it more closely, there’s also a dose of meanness. The other side of the coin is that individualist culture often looks down on the ones who need help, the ones who are dependent, the ones who allow their struggle to show. Individualism might judge them as being burdensome.?

And even if we think we’d never do this – we would never judge someone who needs support – then we might want to look at how we judge ourselves, when we’re flailing a bit on our own. When we think of asking for help, do we feel embarrassed and maybe even ashamed? Are the conversations uncomfortable or awkward? Do the dynamics of relationships change afterward? If so, then it’s possible we are judging ourselves (or others) more than we imagine.??

The truth is that no one accomplishes much of anything without support from others: pulling oneself up by one’s own bootstraps is literally impossible. It defies the laws of physics.?

For the kind of people we aim to be in the world, doing the kinds of things we intend to do, we’re going to need plenty of support. That’s just the way it is, and the way it’s supposed to be: there’s no shame in it whatsoever. For the kind of people we aim to be in the world, doing the kinds of things we intend to do, it would behove us to befriend the ask. Befriend the discomfort, if that’s what it feels like at first. Befriend the language of the ask: get microscopic about what we need, be specific, be clear. And if someone says “no,” or hesitates, or seems reluctant, then we can respond with “thank you, bless you” – and keep it moving. We don’t have time to plead, cajole, beg or wonder – and we don’t have time to take a “no” personally. If someone judges us for asking, then they probably judge themselves when they need help, too – so let’s send them the love they need, thank them, bless them, and keep it moving. Befriending the ask is befriending ourselves, and advocating for everything that we know we’re capable of.??