Learnings From My First 50 Hours of Coaching

I’m new to coaching, having set up my own business a few months ago after 19 years in the corporate world.

I’m still finding my way, making mistakes, learning and evolving along the way, doing something I had never even considered two years ago.?

I recently coached for my 50th hour, a small but important milestone for me. Despite this being a tiny fraction of the hours most coaches out there have coached for, I have discovered things which I thought I’d share in case they’re useful for anyone.?

Perhaps you’re considering becoming a coach, maybe you’re an experienced coach that’s forgotten what the early days were like, or maybe you’re considering working with a coach - either way, here are my biggest learnings from my first 50:?

1. Everyone’s looking for a feeling
2. Everyone’s experience is unique
3. Not having a plan
4. I get as much out of the sessions as my clients
5. I’m happy when I’m coaching

Everyone’s looking for a feeling

This is something my incredible coach, Robin Goldsbro , shared with me a long time ago. I didn’t quite understand it fully at the time, but now I hear it and see it everywhere behind people’s words and actions.?

I hear people saying they want to be successful, get a promotion, earn more money, be fit and healthy, spend more time with their families, be more present, have better relationships, find their purpose…many different and seemingly well intentioned goals that drive their thinking and their behaviour.?

Asking someone to consider deeply what achieving any of their goals will actually get them however always reveals the same truth - they’re searching for a feeling.?

This feeling is typically described as one of peace, calm, happiness, acceptance, or similar. Of having nothing more to do or prove. To simply enjoy life as it is.?

Helping clients see the truth that their feelings can only ever come from their thinking often leads to the ‘aha’ moment that only comes with a fundamental realisation.?

As clients then start looking in a different direction, the real work begins.?

Everyone’s experience is unique

I made the mistake of thinking that coaching was a system I needed to learn, that there was some sort of framework or process that I could take people through in order to help them get whatever it was they were looking for.?

And whilst it’s true that there are some coaching methods and structures that can help, the belief that coaching is something that you ‘do’ to someone was something I stumbled over.

I also naively assumed that what worked for me would work for others. I thought I’d lead them on the same journey that I took, and this would result in all the same insights, learnings and transformation that I experienced. If it worked for me, why wouldn’t it work for them??

Although well-intentioned, I very quickly learned that there is no set path, method or process that you can coach people on. Whilst similar themes emerge (see point 1), coaching gives you an incredible insight into the complex mental models that people create and use to navigate the world.?

More than empathy, coaching asks you to hallucinate someone else’s world as if it were your own. Seeing past your own mental models so that you can appreciate theirs is a constant test of presence and humility.?

And this is where I count myself as incredibly privileged - I get to experience first-hand someone’s own transformation unfold before me, week after week, bit by bit, in its own unique and nuanced way.?

As clients start to see the unconscious beliefs and processes that have dictated their life for themselves, the implications of living a life free from old thinking start to emerge.?

Not having a plan

When I first started coaching, I applied the same thinking that I had used in my sales career - ‘make sure you know as much as possible…have a plan for every eventuality…always know what you’re going to say or do next…always be in control…predict every eventuality…lead them where you want to take them…you need to be the expert…this has to go well…’

[As a side note - check out those limiting beliefs! - see point 4]

And guess what? Those early coaching sessions felt horrible.?

I talked too much.?

I said what I thought I ‘should’ say.

I found silence uncomfortable.?

I tried to look intelligent.?

I tried to stick to the agenda in my head of what a ‘great’ coaching call would be.?

Over time, I tried to understand why some sessions felt better than others.?

Whenever I reflected, I realised that the ones which had the most connection, the most presence, the deepest listening and the most realisations for the client, were the ones which I had no plan for.?

Where I had no intention to do or say anything specific. Nothing I wanted to show or teach them. No idea what would come up or what I was going to say. No plan whatsoever.?

This was something I tried to avoid throughout my entire sales career (and most of my life) in the belief that this was how to perform at my best.?

In fact, it seemed that the sessions where I had no plan at all were the most impactful for the client.?

What the hell?!

It turns out that hanging out in the unknown with a clear and open mind provides so many of the things we all desire: wisdom, clarity, resilience, decision-making, creativity, performance and, as the inspiring Piers Thurston would say, ‘magical creation’.?

I realise now that this is as true for me in my role as a coach as it is for every area of my life.?

Now, I’m not suggesting that you should never plan anything, as practical situations sometimes require practical thinking, but start to enquire as to where your planning might be holding you back from fresh insights and thinking.?

I get as much out of the sessions as my clients

I had read and heard coaches speak about how coaching others often benefits them as much as the client, but didn’t really understand how this could be true.?

After pausing and reflecting on my client sessions, it suddenly dawned on me how accurate this was. The words which had come out of my mouth in order to guide or highlight the client’s session were just as applicable and insightful for me.?

The things that were showing up in their life were also present in mine.?

We all know the saying ‘we teach best what we need to learn most’, but this really resonated with me at a deep level, and I am continually surprised and extremely grateful for everything a client brings to the session, because I inevitably learn something about myself.

Of course, this shouldn’t surprise you when you appreciate how everything and everyone is in some way a reflection of yourself, but it’s incredible how much it shows up once you start noticing it every day now.?

Try it for yourself!

I’m happy when I’m coaching

After spending the majority of my 19 years in sales desperately trying to do the right things, get the right results and not mess anything up for fear of what might happen, the energy, connection and deep sense of fulfilment I get from coaching is like night and day (even when I think I could have done a better job).

Knowing and feeling that the work I do is genuinely in service to others, with the only intention to be with the person sitting in front of me as fully as possible is, for me, better than closing any deal or hitting any quota number.??

Instead of wearing a mask and saying and doing the things I think I need to, I am myself.

Instead of constantly thinking about what needs to be done next, I am present.

Instead of postponing my happiness until certain things have been achieved, I am peaceful - no matter what is happening.?

I'm more excited than ever for the next 50!