Learning to be a working mother

Let me start with my elevator pitch. My name is Ishita Gupta and I am a software engineer at Microsoft. I have a Master's degree in Electronics & Communication Engineering and have 10+ years of industry experience. Fun fact about me, I am a 2.5 years old working mother.

Yes, you read it right. I am a 2.5 years old working mother. That is the exact number of years I have lived as a professional AND a mother. That's why, by no means, do I consider myself a fully matured "working mother". I am learning every hour of the day, how to manage both of these full time jobs in parallel. I have unlearned and currently relearning the meaning of "multi-tasking". "Efficiency" and "Prioritization" are the daily mantras for me. And I am sure, I am not the only one in this boat. So I wanted to share my top 5 learnings, in case it helps someone who is asking the same questions as me.

Be kind to yourself

I have heard this phrase in many webinars, seminars, sessions and presentations. And I feel that this is the biggest of all learnings. As women, majority of us suffer from imposter syndrome. And when we are juggling a thousand different things, we are bound to fail in few and those few can make us feel like the biggest loser in the world. I felt like that so many times that I have lost count now. And it is not because we do not have support or we are victimized by misogyny. Many times it is self inflicted. We want to do it all perfect. That's how our grades have been, that's how we got the promotions. That's how we became the MVPs of our teams. How can we not get the promotion now? How can we not be the best player now who gets all the meaty projects? How can we be so selfish that we let the baby be with someone else while we work? How did we forget to order the diapers?

It is okay to let things slip. It is okay to be not perfect. We are human beings, we are women - the most evolved creatures with the most complex internal organs and the power of complex emotions that no other creatures have in the world. We are allowed to fail and do mistakes. We are allowed to have flaws.

So, be kind to yourself. There's the entire society to judge you, so do not judge yourself. Take that deep breath and keep moving on.

Compartmentalization & 100% context-switching

Now that we have taken the deep breath and know that we are not doing it all wrong, let's try this skill set that would help us get through the day.

A typical day for me looks like this - wake up, get ready, get our baby ready for his daycare with my husband's help, grab my plethora of bags (gym clothes, laptops, snacks for the car, daycare items etc. etc.), drop off our baby after 15 minutes battle of will ("I want mummy, I do not want daycare" etc. etc.) which generally ends with the smaller one crying out loud and the adult just getting crushed inside, sometimes take the meeting on Bluetooth while driving, get to office, work, gym, blah, blah, blah. You get it. There's too much to do. And I want to come out sane at the other end of the day. And remain that way for the rest of my life.

So I practice the art of compartmentalization. I tell my brain to concentrate on the poop cleaning process and not wander off thinking about the meeting I have in 10 minutes. It's a lot of practice. And my brain sometimes hurts physically. But it is the only way I can keep doing things the way they are supposed to be done. Compartmentalization helps me concentrate in the work I am doing at that moment. And 100% context switching is what helps me get the next one done. That way I don't let my engineer mind spill over into mommy mind and vice versa. It took me an year to be able to put this in practice, but now that I am able to do it, I think it's helping.

I make use of some tools, such as putting aside 15 minutes at the beginning of the day to plan out all the goals I want to achieve, with a high level of granularity. Then I check them off one by one as they get done. That way, I can focus on one thing at a time and use the documentation as my reference point when I context-switch. I also do lot of deep breathing in middle of context switching, just to let the tension release.

And do not forget to include the 10 minutes of relaxation in middle of the schedule, with a cup of tea or coffee or wine, whatever works!

It's okay to be in the slow lane

Having a baby and becoming a mother is not a small event. It changes us physically and mentally. It can alter someone's personality, take someone into depression or bring them out of it. So, it is okay to hit the brake on other parts of our life at this time. Yes, we might get that promotion way after some of our peers or even our juniors. We might even have to take a break. The most important thing to remember is, none of that is worth our mental health. A mother is a giver. And we have made that choice knowingly or unknowingly. And we know, you can not pour out of an empty cup. So we have to take care of ourselves as we entrust ourselves this huge responsibility of nurturing a new life. And if that results in few years of slow career progression, do not feel bad about it. Do not feel like you lost it. Because you are ramping up as a mother and no one can deny, that's the most difficult task to do.

So take that deep breath again and tell yourself, it's okay if I am slowing down. I'll ramp up and catch up again. I always have.

There will always be "unfair" competition

In a world where diversity and inclusion is a real problem, being a working mother just adds to our profile of being the diverse candidate. It is hard to come by teams that have many working mothers in them. And so, the competition will always be unfair.

We will have fellow co-workers whose biggest problem for the day is - "what to eat for lunch?" We will have to compete with the happy & single folks who are married to their work. We will be compared with our peers who are online anytime of the day. And we, for sure, can not do all of these.

Managers will promise that we are evaluated against the time we are able to put in. But let's be honest, unless we are some prodigies or genius, we all need to put in time to get the results. And what do working mothers lack the most - well you know the answer (hint: time!).

So we have to be creative, have to find out that time that we do not have. And we shouldn't get that by cutting down on sleep time. We need to learn how to manage time, how to influence without authority (wherever applicable), how to get the impact through others, how to take out-of-the-box solutions and build our top-notch products on top of them. There are no shortcuts and long hours are not the answer for us. So it's not going to be a fair game. But the good thing is, there are no single rules in the game. So we have all the flexibility to be creative.

Memories - the new currency to life

And while we are doing all of the above and trying to excel in our jobs and be a good mother who doesn't forget to feed her child, we should not forget to live.

I have realized that there are two currencies in our life - money and memory. We all strive to earn enough or more for a good life. But the question I would like you to ask yourself is - what is a good life? When I think about what is the definition of success for me, I realize it is not being the CEO of a company or adding zeros to the end of my compensation package. It is about having an eventful life, full of memories and stories that we can laugh upon as we grow old. It is true that good memories sometime need good money as well (think Disneyland), but at least make sure that you make the memories after you have invested the money in there.

Put down that phone call when the toddler wants to play with you. Log off from the parent support group on Facebook when the infant is gently snoring in your arms and just enjoy the beauty in your arms. Use that best-in-industry camera to capture those "first" moments. Normalize your limited working hours because 5 pm is family park time. Money can come and go, but memories once gone, can never be bought back.

So, take another deep breath and go make some memories!