Learning to view myself with more compassion

I recently spoke with a friend about a situation stirring up a lot of emotional turmoil in her life. Her words felt like they could have been mine. In similar struggles, I have been deeply frustrated with myself. But I had compassion for my friend, where I had seen myself with judgment.

I don't think I'm alone in this. Why do we view ourselves with disdain when we view others with compassion?

It may be the narrative we play on repeat about our own experiences. When going through something challenging, I often think, "How did I let this happen?" and "Of course, I messed this up." But there is so much I'm leaving out of that story. Rather than looking at the broader view, I look to place blame, usually inward.

However, I view others as whole people with vast capabilities and experiences that shape who they are and what they do. And I expect to see them learn and grow through their experiences. So when people fail or receive bad news, I hear it differently than if it were my situation. As I listen, I can recognize the beauty in the chaos and see how their negative experiences can be the catalyst for something good. I can also look for ways to walk with them through the hard stuff.

I sometimes approach my chaos as a web to untangle with tunnel vision and self-imposed judgment as guides. I expect to overcome my situation competently and independently and have little tolerance for learning curves. I don't give myself room to breathe, grieve, learn, and grow. But just like other folks, I need that room too.

So what do we do with these harmful habits that are so deeply ingrained? How do we keep from getting stuck looking down on ourselves and our perceived limitations? In my experience, getting ‘unstuck’ involves asking questions that help me become more objective.?

Here are some of the questions that are helping me lately:

• What (besides me) could be influencing this situation?
• What am I missing that could help me better understand?
• What strengths do I have that will help?
• What do I need to help me move forward?
• What have I learned that will guide my next steps?

Your questions might be different from mine. The point is to look up and around to see possibilities rather than limitations. And realize you can get 'unstuck' when you see yourself and your situation with more compassion and context. Breaking harmful habits has meant practicing and persevering through questions, pain, wonder, discovery, and surrender.?

Last week, I received some tough news; I would have rushed to self-judgment in the past, but I didn't this time. I looked up and around. I recognized that while I learned a few things, I wouldn’t change much about my approach to the situation. I didn’t need to own the blame because it wasn’t about me. While I didn’t feel great, I’m thankful I’m learning to move forward with self-compassion instead of blame.

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