Learning & Un-learning:- Key to Queer Affirmative Practice

As therapists, it is our job to challenge our clients and facilitate new perspectives for them to grow into. But this is also the work we continually do for ourselves, especially when working with intersections of race, gender, and sexuality to name a few. In today's newsletter, Shama S. talks about the art of unlearning as it can be the key to what distinguishes you from a queer-friendly to a queer-affirmative therapist.

A significant realization I’ve had in the recent years of my practice is the importance of knowing what you don’t know well. When concepts and practices you’ve learned in the past are no longer serving the clients whose well-being you aim to serve– you know it’s time to start unlearning. A vast majority of training approaches are meant to help us become better practitioners through the use of tools, strategies, and ways to conceptualize problems from different perspectives. If you’ll notice closely though, these perspectives only take specific populations’ experiences into account. Over time, this limits our understanding of those that do not fall into this majority group– by means of their gender identity, sexual identity, or their socioeconomic identity.?

One such perspective was that of heteronormativity. As you practice more, you realize, the majority of the discourses that define ideas of well-being, meaningful romantic relationships, healthy familial experiences, safety, of being inclusive are gendered. When a specific sexual identity is considered to be the norm, other identities are pushed to being seen as outliers and exceptions. I will leave it up to you to pause and reflect on the harm this may cause and the nature of mental health challenges this aggravates for individuals and identities that fall outside of this so-called ‘normal’.?

This idea of having to broaden my understanding of gender and sexual identities, to look at them as a spectrum that allows for fluidity versus watertight, binary categories was a paradigm shift I experienced while training to be a queer affirmative practitioner. This was about 4 years ago. And ever since, I have come to realize how each day as I continue to widen the scope of my work with clients, I am caught in an uncertain dance– between opening up my mind to new ways of thinking and actively letting go of or unlearning earlier ways of thinking. On some days it brings up a sense of thrill and excitement, while on some other days, it feels confusing and daunting. So here I am, sharing some ideas that helped me move on from being a queer-friendly to a queer-affirmative therapist:

And yes, there’s a difference.?

Where does the problem lie?

A lot of our training tends to focus on theory-led conceptualization, and understanding client concerns through an individual’s inner world and emotions. We often focus on empowering people in therapy and helping them take charge of their recovery, well-being, and so on. We may, however, run the risk of being blindsided if we are unable to integrate the relevant systemic factors into one’s life. Locating an individual across the various intersections of their identity (social, gender, sexual, financial) is an equally important aspect that needs to be actively used to conceptualize client challenges and plan for relevant interventions. The question to always ask oneself is, where does the problem lie? The answer– it is not always about an individual’s inner experience but also the systems around them.?

For instance, at one point, I was working with two separate clients– both cishet females, identifying as queer, in their mid-20s. While one belonged to an upper-class family from a metropolitan city, another belonged to a middle-class family from a tier II city. Herein, the challenge was not only how they would navigate their sexualities but also the context they would have to do so in. As their therapist, I would miss the mark for affirmative work by a wide margin if I had not held their social identities as significant factors influencing their challenges and goals for change.?

Know thy limits?

While being sensitive, empathetic, and unconditional are assumed to be core requirements and skills for us to practice, a lot of us may nevertheless oscillate on the spectrum. This depends on several factors - our awareness, our ability to sit with discomfort when our own beliefs and ideologies are challenged, our ability to anchor ourselves when faced with lived experiences we might have little understanding of, and so much more. These gaps can lead us to sometimes ask questions or respond in ways that might be insensitive.?

For instance, let’s say I were to work with a client in therapy who is polyamorous while I may lack understanding and awareness of the concept altogether. How would I define that fine line between asking questions that stem from my lack of awareness and the basic human need ‘to know’ versus exploratory questions that further the therapeutic process and alliance? At such times, knowing your limits and educating yourself to work on those limits (rather than expecting your clients to do that) becomes the most important.?

Go Beyond Your Usual Textbooks?

Regular learning and updates aren’t exactly a pathbreaking idea for any of us, and yet it’s also one that will never get old or irrelevant. I have found that keeping myself updated is largely useful in being a queer affirmative practitioner.? Since this is still an area of work that is short of adequate empirical support, it means that our reading needs to be diversified too. Relevant research articles, books, and articles written by senior practitioners, Instagram handles that chronicle lived experiences, being a part of community events and literature, and so on are just some ways to explore.?

Being mindful of our own privilege

Another bit we may all be all too familiar with is that nagging sense of guilt. Working with clients experiencing distress and struggles stemming from systemic issues, often makes us more acutely aware of our own privileges (or lack thereof), and brings to fore the disparities woven into our social, and by extension, psychological fabric. Consistent practice and reflection have made me more aware of the factors that tend to bring the intersections of my identity, privilege, and gender-based discriminatory experiences to the fore. Acknowledging these, processing my own emotions about them, and actively using them to guide me as a practitioner has only helped me become more sensitive to working with a diverse group of people, as a therapist.?

We may consider ourselves to be queer-friendly as a default extension of being in the mental health space. But being a queer affirmative practitioner means going one (or several) steps forward. It is a journey marked by unlearning and exploring beyond textbooks and existing research. It involves being aware of our own privileges and being honest with ourselves about our own identities and how we experience them socially. It’s about being mindful of harmless small talk around us that might reflect homophobia, transphobia, and internalized stigma. Sometimes, it also calls for us to become activists inside our therapeutic spaces - where we acknowledge complex systems with conviction and openness, amongst many other things.

All the other times, being a queer affirmative practitioner means consistently striving towards being affirmative in your stance with every client you see.