Learning to set limits

It's important to know how to kindly draw a line when you're caring for an aging parent. There is always more to do. It's difficult to know when you've done enough. Your ability to set limits for yourself is foundational to your ability to care for your loved one over the long haul. If you're not clear about when to say "no," you're headed for exhaustion and burnout. And then where will your loved one be?

Setting limits can bring up many conflicting thoughts and feelings.?The science of cognitive–behavioral therapy takes a very constructive approach. Its message is, "Don't believe everything you think!" That means we often get caught up in thoughts and feelings that seem true. On deeper examination, however, they are biased by inaccurate assumptions.

Inaccurate assumptions about caring can get in the way of wise decisions.?For instance, we may believe that we can show our love only in certain ways. Or that we must give everything we have. If we don't, then we don't love the person we care for. You will be doing yourself and your family member a favor if you take a second look at your beliefs and consider alternate perspectives.

Common misconceptions that can interfere with setting appropriate limits:

"Mom/Dad did so much for me growing up. It's selfish to say 'no.'"

• Alternate perspective.?Self-respect is an essential life skill, as is self-knowledge. You need to pace yourself so that you can continue to give care for weeks, months, maybe even years. Consider this perspective instead:?"I need to budget my time and energy so my own batteries stay charged. I will be a better caregiver in the long term if I avoid situations that are not genuinely productive."

"If I show Dad how much I really care, then he'll show me his love."

• Alternate perspective.?We can never predict another's behavior. Caring with "strings attached" sets you up for disappointment or, even worse, resentment. Consider this perspective instead:?"Dad's actions are about him, not me. I accept that he may never show gratitude. I am helping because helping is a value that is important to me."

"Mom is so sick. I need to do everything I can for her."

• Alternate perspective.?There is much in life that we can't control. Be careful that you don't assume responsibility for what you really don't have the power to cure. Consider this perspective instead:?"What is the single most beneficial thing I could do right now to help Mom feel better?"

Identify behaviors that bother you. Perhaps it's Mom calling several times a day while you are at work. Maybe it's Dad asking you to come over every weekend to take him shopping (on top of the doctor appointments, bill paying, and filling his pillboxes that you keep up regularly).?

Consider alternative arrangements. A discussion focused on solutions is most likely to create a positive outcome. Have some thoughts in mind before you talk. If Mom calls a lot, maybe you give her a notepad to write all her questions down during the day and then have an agreed-upon time when you can talk after work. Or perhaps ask her to text and you'll respond by the evening, and to save phone calls only for emergencies. With Dad you might look at all the things you do for him and think about how to have others fill some of those roles, especially the ones you like least. Maybe it's time to hire someone. Or perhaps you can ask a sibling or friend to take on a task.

Communicate your needs and clarify expectations. Share your situation in an upbeat manner, along with your proposal for a solution.

"I love talking with you Mom, but when I'm at work, I'm not able to give you the attention I'd like to. During the day, please text me and if I can respond at the time, I will. For sure I will by 7:00 at night. Let's just save daytime phone calls for emergencies."

Stay flexible.?They may have a solution in mind that will accomplish the same thing you are hoping for. Make room for that if you can. Also look for ways to avoid an all-or-nothing response. Saying "no" today does not mean that you won't say "yes" next week. It's possible that this task at this time is not as important as keeping your own well from running dry.

"Gosh, Dad, I can't go shopping with you this week. Let's brainstorm on some other ways you might get to the store."

Validate and be open to their feelings. Remind yourself that you are not responsible for their life being smooth. You do what you can, and sometimes life is difficult. You can't erase the fact that getting older has its challenges. Let them know you understand this is hard, but reinforce the need for change.

"I know it's hard to be without a car, Dad. Let's make a list of some options. I only have so much time in a week. So, let's figure out which are the most important things that only I can do, and then find ways to get those other tasks accomplished."

Get ahead of your guilt. You may need to listen to their emotions about their situation. Difficult as it may be for you, they have a right to those feelings. Aging is tough. Just be clear that you are not the cause of their challenges, nor are you responsible for their emotions about them.

Here are some internal strategies to help you hold firm for your needs:

• Let them have their feelings. Consider it a sign of respect to let them express their feelings without you having to run in and fix the situation as though they were a child. They are a grown-up. You care about their emotions and can comfort them, but you don't need to fix it. Just be present and understanding.
• Acknowledge to yourself all that you do for them. You juggle many responsibilities and still step up to the plate. Be clear in yourself how much you are giving. It's okay to have limits. If you don't attend to your needs, you won't be able to keep giving.
• Avoid comparing your need to theirs. That really doesn't translate. You each have needs. It's as simple as that. Comparing needs becomes a standoff because no one can be empathic enough to measure the other's degree of need.??
• Practice saying "no" nicely. When you have a response you feel confident about, it's more likely you will use it when your relative asks for something you can't do. You don't have to justify yourself. (Too much detail and they might start problem solving to help you find the time!) A simple "I wish I could, but that doesn't work for me at this time" is a good standby. Or if you would genuinely like to help, "I can't do 'X' next Thursday, but I could do 'Y' the week after that."
• Remind yourself how you will feel if you don't say "no." Research shows that we often say "yes" to something because we don't like the way we feel about ourselves when we say "no." (It's easier on Tuesday to forget about the stress you'll feel when Saturday comes and you can't do the things you need to do because you said yes to Dad's shopping.) Family caregivers often feel that their needs don't count. Not true! Remember the benefits of having set a boundary—for example, avoiding a cold like the one you got last month because you were stretched too thin.

Reach out for help. Are you struggling to set boundaries with a loved one? You are not alone! Consider reaching out for support. An Aging Life Care? Manager specializes in issues of eldercare and can guide you toward solutions; for example, a therapist who is experienced in addressing family caregiver guilt, or a support group to gain insights from others in the same situation. Learning to set boundaries and reach out for help is a vital part of your caregiving journey.

Heed the wisdom of safety experts.?Remember the instructions when an airplane is in trouble: If you are traveling with someone who needs help, you must first put on your own oxygen mask and then help the person you care for. Prioritizing your well-being isn't selfish. It's a strategic and necessary step. By taking care of yourself, you are better equipped to help those who depend on you.

What are all the ways you have given help so far? What tasks honestly feel like they would stretch you too much?

Are you having trouble saying "no"?

Contact the experts in eldercare:

Tewes CARES (203) 826-9206