Learning to say 'no': My guide to stop people pleasing

I wonder how many pickles I’ve got myself in because of people pleasing...

How many extra workloads have buried me?

How much time have I spent at social events I didn't want to attend?

How many errands, favours and draining conversations have replaced my deep need for alone time and rest?

How much resentment and stress did I cause myself because I was afraid to put myself first, take care of my own needs, and just say no?

'A lot', is probably the most accurate answer to that! ??

You see, I was raised to obey, serve others and suppress my own needs, 'or else'. And the 'or else' wasn't trivial. It was abusive.

And so, as a mechanism of self protection, saying yes became my default, my automatic reaction to the requests of others. I didn't even have to say the word yes. I didn't even need to nod in agreement. I just acquiesced.

(For others, people pleasing is a mechanism by which they seek love and acceptance, because that's how they gained it as a child.)

I still have this behavior now as old habits (particularly those formed in childhood) die hard. But I am getting better.

I am in recovery! ?? And here is my 3 step process which I hope can help you recover too...

Step 1: When people ask for something, I pause and buy time

• I don't answer on the spot. If they ask me in real time, I say, “Let me think about that and get back to you.” If they ask me via text or email, I delay my reply.
• I then have time to tune in to myself, to think, research, review my current priorities and capacity, or consult others before responding. This means I'm not giving the knee jerk, reactive yes that I learnt in childhood.

Step 2: Deciding my answer - yes or no?

There are multiple ways to approach this:

• Some decisions are quite practical and it's just a case of reviewing my capacity, priorities and coming up with other solutions if the answer is no, e.g. delay the request until I have time, or give it to someone else who has capacity.
• Other decisions may feel more emotive and intangible, such as invites to social events or taking on an uncertain new venture. In such cases, if it's not an obvious YES!! rising up from within me, then it’s a no. If I find myself questioning it, it's probably a no. Umms, maybes and I'm not sure's therefore count as nos. Similarly...
• I check my language. When talking about the request that's been made, do I find myself saying that I should do it, or I have to? If that's case, it means I don't really want to, I just feel obligated. And thus, the truth is, it's a no from me.
• I listen to my body - does it feel 'off' when I consider doing this thing? If so, it's a no. Mind you, sometimes we feel fearful about something that's actually true for us to do. Other times, we feel 'hesitant' and that's actually our intuition telling us no. Discerning between fear and intuition can be tricky, I have been trained in and practising advanced intuitive techniques for years and I still struggle sometimes!
• Remember that there might be a third option. Often we think in binary terms, yes and no, but life is rarely that black and white. There may be many different outcomes that you can negotiate. One of my favourite mentors on negotiation is Chris Voss. I've shared a relevant bonus tip from him at the bottom of this newsletter.

Step 3: When I don't get it right

I don’t always get it right. Sometimes I'm unsure of my answer and other times I still say yes out of guilt and fear. When that happens, I:

• Show myself compassion - this isn’t an easy habit to break.
• Reflect on the experience - was saying yes really in my best interest? What happened after I did that thing? How did it impact me? What can I learn from that?
• Use that learning to help me make more aligned decisions in future, give me more courage to say no next time and, negotiate fairer outcomes in the highest good of all.

The obvious caveat

I don’t scream OMG YESSSS about doing my tax return ??. And let’s be real, there are plenty of responsibilities in life that we’d rather say no to. But, life isn’t a fairytale of candy floss and rainbows. There are some dull bits that just have to get done.

The key is not letting them take over your life or be the predominant way you spend your time and energy - that’s where trouble begins and your wellbeing, resilience, happiness and success will suffer.

And finally: Take the guilt, it's better for you

Here's a gem from Dr. Gabor Maté: "If you have to choose between guilt and resentment, choose guilt."

Guilt is temporary discomfort we feel when we set a new boundary and say no. Resentment is long term suffering that festers within us when we people please and say yes.

Resentment is corrosive, it even makes us sick. In his book When the Body Says No, Dr. Maté explores how people pleasing and emotional repression fuel chronic stress and illness. He shows real life case studies of this. It is something we need to take seriously.

Bonus tip: How am I supposed to do that?

As mentioned above, stopping people pleasing isn't always about saying a straight no. It can often be about learning to negotiate better outcomes for you and the other parties involved. So, a key skill for a people pleaser to learn is, negotiation.

This is a bonus tip that I just learned from expert negotiator Chris Voss on handling aggressive demands. He says to respond with: how am I supposed to do that?

In the right tone and with genuine curiosity, this type of response can lead to a great discussion, more information and a fairer outcome for all. Or, it can make it quickly clear to you that your answer is indeed, no. Here's the full newsletter where you can learn more.

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Your time, energy and well being are worth protecting. People pleasing is abandoning yourself and it's not virtuous or healthy. So start saying no even when you don't feel confident about it and soon, your confidence will build as you see your life and wellbeing transform for the better.

If you found this article helpful, hit the thumbs up below!

With love,

Pinky ??

#selfcare #wellbeing #mentalhealth #peoplepleasing #personaldevelopment #stress #anxiety #resilience

People pleasing is one of the topics covered in my course: Developing Your Personal Resilience and Wellbeing. Alongside mental, emotional, physical and spiritual tools and much more, I have delivered this training online and in person to teams up and down the UK in all types of roles and industries.

Here's some of what they say about it:

"Session was excellent, real examples and valued contributions, Pinky was very friendly and engaging and really insightful. Brilliant session, thank you." BHR Hospitals NHS Trust

"This is course had great content around self awareness and self development of the mind and body. It provides tangible tools and coping mechanisms to help you manage some of the barriers/blockers we all face in the workplace and day to day life challenges" Gov PD Delegate

"My professional schedule is "full", that said my personal circumstance is chaotic and occasionally traumatic, and I feel this training will benefit both." Gov PD Delegate

To learn more about my talks and trainings, including bespoke requirements (which I love to create for my clients) drop me an email on [email protected].

And visit: www.pinkyjangra.com