Learning to Say No: Getting Ahead by Opting Out

Over the years, I’ve participated in many conferences and workshops with aspiring attorneys. One of the questions I frequently field is akin to “What tools should determined professionals and entrepreneurs learn to wield while clearing a path to success?”

To answer: An impressive work ethic always goes a long way. Plus, don’t underestimate the importance of exercise and sleep. But in my first year of law school, I also realized that a highly effective arrow in my quiver was the ability to say no politely.

People with drive usually crave experiences. Our instinct is to sop up every opportunity that lands in our laps. But this tendency is why ambition can function as a double-edged sword. On the one hand, it can be the fuel that launches you to great heights. But it also has the power to deliver crushing blows.

Indiscriminately saying yes to everything can mitigate your ability to concentrate, effectively organize, and complete quality work. After all, running around in service of auxiliary projects throws you off your trajectory.

The Burnout Epidemic

Burnout is real and destructive. According to a Deloitte study, 77% of respondents reported experiencing it at their current job, 91% said unmanageable stress negatively affects their work, and 83% lamented that professional pressure frequently collides with their personal lives.

So, how do we avoid it? Burnout is usually the result of piling too much on your proverbial plate, and it comes with a briefcase of hindrances. People navigating excessive stress frequently experience:

? Motivational loss

? Sense of failure and self-doubt

? Detachment

? Lowered immunity and frequent illness

? Appetite and sleep challenges

? Frequent headaches and muscle soreness

None of these conditions are conducive to success. After all, to do our best, we must feel our best. James Altucher, author of “The Power of No,” explains it this way: “When you say yes to something you don’t want to do, here is the result: you hate what you are doing, you resent the person who asked you, and you hurt yourself.”

Saying “No” Can Be a Springboard to Success

Perhaps Pythagoras of Samos said it best when he opined, “The oldest, shortest words--‘yes’ and ‘no’-- are those which require the most thought.” His ancient wisdom still holds today, and when done right, thoughtful life curation can mean the difference between failure and success.

Simply put, when we stick to our goals and offload that which doesn’t serve them, we have more time to get better at the skills that buoy our ambitions.

The Fear of Saying No

Why are we so terrible at saying no? A few reasons contribute to the problem.

For starters, we’re taught from a very young age that helping other people is the “right” thing to do. When we lend our parents a hand we’re praised for being “Mommy’s/Daddy’s little helper.” In school, teachers give us gold stars for cooperation.

Moreover, American culture venerates and values hard work. As a result, many people internalize the idea that saying no to extra responsibilities is wrong and could:

? Invite criticism

? Cause other people to talk badly about them behind their back

? Disqualify them from future opportunities

Research also suggests that women who say no to colleagues receive less favorable reviews than their male counterparts who respond similarly. It’s a byproduct of implicit sexism that creates an extra hurdle for women in the workplace.

Ways to Say “No” Politely

We’ve established two things: 1) Always saying yes can lead to burnout, negatively impacts work quality, and can lead to mental health issues, and 2) we’re groomed from a young age that “no” is often seen as the wrong answer.

So, the question becomes, “How do you say no politely without offending the person asking?” Fortunately, options abound.

? Defer: People understand busy. So, saying something like, “I’m swamped at the moment, but I may be able to squeeze you in later,” usually does the trick. If the task has a deadline, you probably won’t hear about the request again.

? Humility: Leading with humility is another effective tactic. For example, saying, “I’m not the best person for that job, but you may want to ask Jane,” lets the asker down softly and provides an alternative. However, before offering up someone else’s name, clear it with them first.

? Prioritize (and be honest): Explain that saying yes to the request would pull you away from other important work.

Summing It Up

When mapping out a professional path, the first order of business is clearly defining your goals and aspirations. Next up is doing the research. What steps must you take to achieve those goals? How long will it take?

Once you’ve worked out the answers, make a plan and prioritize it.

When someone comes along and asks you to help or take on additional work, weigh the request against your master plan. Does it serve the ultimate objective? Do you have the time to take it on? If the answer to either of those questions is no, decline and move on.