Learning To Receive!

Like Ravan and Eddie, the protagonists of Kiran Nagarkar’s famous novel, by the same name, my brother Vikas and I share more than a birthday. If he says something, I like to say the opposite; and, he is no different. That however doesn’t mean that we don’t agree on a lot of things; but I will leave that for another day! Well, he posted a lovely blog just this morning, about the joy of giving! And what a blog (for those interested I am attaching the link here; I am sure he won’t mind - https://vikasshirodkar.blog/2020/10/13/gift-of-giving/)! Nevertheless, that immediately got me thinking, in quite the reverse direction of course (didn’t I say we love to differ); so here goes! While there is no doubt immense joy in giving and that is something we should follow; yet, do we really know how to receive? Let’s pause for a moment and give it a thought. Are we not more comfortable giving, than receiving? And, why is that so? Well, here are my musings about being a recipient. Something I have learnt the hard way; but let me not jump the gun.

It is somehow only in our childhood that we know how to receive. We are happy to receive gifts and very often look forward to them or are even taught to work towards creating opportunities for receiving them. Remember the prizes and ranks we have worked for, as a child! First, we are happy, then selective and then finally sceptical, satisfied (or is it saturated) or shy about receiving them. And then, we stick with one of these ‘S’ states!

The sceptical gift receiver is one who keeps wondering about the ‘why’ ‘what’ and ‘how’ of the gift. S/he begins by wondering either ‘why me’ (in case there isn’t a specific reason, like a birthday, for which the gift is given) or then ‘why this’ (what is the significance of giving this particular thing as a gift). And then, as if this isn’t enough, they move to wondering about the ‘what’ – what did I do to deserve this or what is the person trying to signify; till, tired and defeated or triumphant in their supposed glory, they move to the ‘how’ – how could I reciprocate or return this?

The second variety is of course the satisfied/saturated (actually these are two sides of the same coin) type, who feel they have enough! These usually are the older gen people, for whom not receiving gift is a sign of contentment. They actually have enough and don’t want any more.

And then the third, the shy receiver, one who loves to receive gifts and looks forward to them; but also feels awkward about feeling so. Often, this kind of receiver wonders whether it is important that s/he moves to category two. I am quite sure that you would have chuckled remembering someone (perhaps yourself) who either belongs to one of these categories or has moved from one of them to the other.

One wonders how can such a huge and otherwise divided populace fit in such clear-cut categories? Possibly, it is our culture that makes us so, because receiving is ingrained in our mind with want and greed and we have forgotten the rich tradition of seeking and receiving, lived by the innocent and the enlightened – the children and the bhikshuks (those who seek and receive alms for themselves and others)!

But of what use, you would say, is this information? Well, the answer is simple. Its use is that you really need to move out of all these categories and simply become the ‘grateful’ and ‘gracious’ receiver. This gift may be an actual one or in the form of something someone does for, says to you or means to you. In all of this, you are a receiver.

And what is important is that you should learn to be, as I said earlier, a ‘gracious’ and ‘grateful’ one. Why don’t we consider how?

For one, whichever category you belong to, learn to look forward to the gift, because (like Vikas has pointed out in his blog) it fosters in the giver the opportunity for and the joy of giving. Giving will not be possible, till there is a receiver – so stop doubting and start receiving. And even if you have enough, learn to receive some more. Receive with one hand and give with the other. Why deprive the giver the joy of giving? As Vinda Karandikar has pointed out “?????????? ???? ????, ?????????? ???? ???? ??? ????? ???? ???? ?????????? ??? ??????”  (roughly translated as the giver should keep giving and the receiver should keep receiving, till finally the giver becomes the receiver)….be grateful that you have people, who care enough for you and want to express it their way, by giving you something…..why deny them that pleasure? And then, if you find that what you get is in excess of what you have use for, then you can give something away. Through this the power of positive affirmation would continue and it will remain a warm memory both for you (the receiver) and the giver; a memory that you can re-live often.

I remember two family events, where a family member wasn’t planning to take gifts, but wanted to, nevertheless, give gifts, to mark the occasion. The first of these events drove a wedge in an otherwise tightly knit family, resulting in a not surprising controversy that emerged from it. And, in the other, when the giver announced that I will give gifts, but not take them, I promptly responded, “I would love to receive your gift”. I was well into my 40s then and my response was greeted with titters. But I really meant it. It is important to learn to receive and receive with joy because it is an action of both humility and love. It brings warmth both to the giver and receiver (like Portia says in the Merchant of Venice, though in a different context, “it is twice bless’d; it blesseth him that takes and him that gives”); more so, if the gift is asked for or demanded, unhesitatingly, like children do; but well, I will keep that for another day.

In the end, all that I can really say is ?????????? ??? ?????, ????? ???? ???? ...... ???? ?? ???? ????? (the hands of the giver are many fold and my bag may not prove strong enough..... and so, I can only join my hands in gratitude). Viva la receiving!