Learning To Love Who You Are
GINA GARDINER RADICAL CHANGE CATALYST AND LEADERSHIP ADVISOR
Radical Change Catalyst & Leadership Speaker, Consultant, Coach & Mentor Igniting Leadership Potential for Lasting, Holistic & Profitable Success #success #leadership #personaldevelopment #mediatraining
When you think about who you really are- do you love yourself?
Do you like the person you are or do you feel that you are in some way wanting?
By loving yourself I am talking about valuing yourself for the unique, amazing person you are. Knowing your weaknesses and failings and always wanting to be better but knowing that simply being you is actually enough.
I’m not talking about being indulgent or narcissistic.
Learning to love who you are wobbly bits and all, is something many of us find difficult. We have one set of rules to judge ourselves and a very different set of criteria by which we judge the worth of others.
So many people have a poor sense of self-worth and the results are significant and far-reaching. Unhappiness, lack of confidence, limiting beliefs, poor relationships are just a few of the problems a lack of self-worth causes. . How we respond to life is dependent on so many things, our personality, the experience itself and all the other influences within our lives.
Our sense of self is created early in life. The significant adults in our lives are generally doing the best they can and truly want the best for us. Parents and teachers usually want the best for the children in their care yet in their desire to inspire children to do better they unwittingly say or do things that damage the child's confidence and feelings of self-worth. There are many children who carry those doubts about themselves into adulthood. Unless challenged feelings of poor self-worth can last a lifetime and seriously damage any chance of that person fulfilling their potential.
I've worked with many clients who have only learned to love who they are after several decades of struggling with a lack of confidence and poor self-worth. Here are just a few examples:
One client had parents who constantly told her “You can do better” without recognising the efforts which she made. They left her with a sense that she was never good enough. The motive behind the parent’s criticism was, wanting their daughter to be the best they could be. Her parents had a positive loving motive, they wanted the best for their daughter but their methods created a very different outcome.
Another client felt that he was always on the outside of “the gang” when he was at school. He was no good at football and a little overweight. He always felt he wasn’t good enough until he met his wife. When they met he was shy, awkward and lacking in confidence but his wife saw past that. His lack of confidence and poor self-worth impacted negatively on their relationship and his work. It was the impetus for him to get help and to do the inner work. He (and his wife) were delighted with the results and his work situation improved greatly too as he gained in confidence.
A third client masked her feelings of failure and inadequacy created by her failing her 11+ exam by working incredibly hard. Even a First Class Honours degree and a very responsible job did nothing to help develop a positive relationship with herself. Our work together identified how the sense of disappointment and failure created by failing an exam at the age of 11 still underpinned the way she had felt about herself in the intervening years despite the evidence of great personal and professional sense. Learning to accept and love herself has opened up a whole new world - one where she can love who she is, even the parts of her which still have room for improvement. As a result she is happier, enjoyes more positive fulfilling relationships
Many children carry that sense of being a failure throughout adulthood even though there is plenty of evidence that they are in fact a perfectly successful human being.
Others feel that their worth is based entirely around what they do for others. Their own needs are seen as a very poor second to the needs of those around them. They feel good only when they do things for others. Their needs and priorities are always at the bottom of the pile. Their feelings of being worthy are transitory - so they work harder at serving others. Exhaustion and overwhelm are often the outcome.
Below are some simple strategies which many clients have found helpful.
1) A Sense Of Fairness
Think about a set of scales, the old fashioned sort with two weigh pans. Draw them on a piece of paper.
In the one pan consider how you judge other people. What do you expect from others? What do you think is good, bad or indifferent?
In the second pan identify the criteria you use to judge your own performance.
Ask yourself: Are the criteria the same for both? If not consider why not.
Over the coming days, each time you find yourself beating yourself up for something you have done or failed to do - ask yourself am I being FAIR. What would I think if Fred or Bertha did this? Would I congratulate them for a job well done? Or Would I go on and on at them in the same way that the voice in my head nags on and on?
It is crucial that you are honest and FAIR. Think about the scales of justice. Would the scale pans be evenly balanced?
It is all about being fair - no easier or harder on yourself than you would be on others.
2) You Are Unique
So many people I work with find it difficult to identify what their strengths and skills are. They can identify in detail their short comings but stutter and stumble over coming up with a list of the things which they can do or like about themselves.
Make a list over a few daysWould the scale pans be even?
Over the next few days make a list about all your positive attributes and the things you do well. Be sure you include all aspects of your life. You may be kind, thoughtful, funny, a good neighbour or daughter. Your skills may include the ability to organize the family, multi task or to teach others.
Notice how comfortable you feel in acknowledging the positive things about YOU. Read your list at the end of each day and recognise that you are a unique human being. There is only one of you - you are an amazing Being, capable of creativity, imagination, solving problems and so much more.
Explain to between 5 and 10 people who know you well that you are doing a development project and ask them to write a list for you of the personal attributes and skills they think of when they think of you. What is it which makes you – uniquely you. Choose people who knoq you in a variety of contexts.
As you receive each list read it and realy tune in to the words and give yourself permission to own them. Create a master list of all the positive attribtes they have identified and for the next month read the list out loud at least 3 x every day.
3) Learn To Love Your Body
Body image gets a great deal of press these days. Lots of people dislike their body shape, a facial feature, their height etc. The media constantly push the myth that being skinny is best - the thinner the better. It is all to easy to find ourselves comparing ourselves with the air- brushed and doctored photographs used in social media, magazines etc.
Learning to be comfortable with who we are, is so important. You are more likely to feel good about yourself if you are healthy and fit. If you are overweight and live an unhealthy lifestyle taking control of your life by taking positive steps to get healthy will have a positive impact on your sense of self-worth. If you have a history of yo-yo dieting I urge you to get some help as the ongoing process can ultimately lead to greater weight gain. Understanding your relationship with food and creating a healthier one can help you to create and sustain a healthier lifestyle in the long term.
The following exercise is a useful strategy to help you appreciate your physical assets.
Stand in front of a mirror. Look at yourself and identify the three things you like most about how you look. (Remember it is what you like most. You don’t have to be ecstatic, you might want to say you like them the 'least worst' but the language you use is important so please use the positive format.)
Say out loud “I like my …….. hair best because……… I like my …….. because ……… I like my …….. because
As you take a bath or shower and you washing yourself say thanks to each part of you. If you like it thank it and state why you like it “Thank you hair for being my crowning glory, I love the way you shine”
If it is a bit you don’t particularly like thank it for its function. “Thank you nose for being there and for providing a sense of smell”
The exercise should be done in a light-hearted way. As it makes you smile you will find yourself feeling better about yoursef.
4) Affirmations
Affirmations are positive statements which when said regularly - with "wellie" have helped many people feel more positive about themselves and life in general.
Try my example to start with, but then create some for yourself. It is important to include “Even more” as it assumes you love yourself already.
Say it out loud. Each time put the emphasis in each word in turn and see just how different it feels.
"Every day I love and appreciate who I am even more"
"Every day I love and appreciate who I am even more"
"Every day I love and appreciate who I am even more"
"Every day I love and appreciate who I am even more"
"Every day I love and appreciate who I am even more"
"Every day I love and appreciate who I am even more"
"Every day I love and appreciate who I am even more"
"Every day I love and appreciate who I am even more"
"Every day I love and appreciate who I am even more"
"Every day I love and appreciate who I am even more"
"Every day I love and appreciate who I am even more"
5) Ask for help
Give the ideas above a go - they cost nothing other than a little thought but if you want to accelerate the process or are struggling to achieve confidence in yourself and a positive self-worth reaching out to ask for help.
I find it really interesting that people are very happy to gt a plumber in if their boiler isn't working at optimum level or will immediately book their car into a garage if it isn't running as well as it might yet resist seeking help to achieve optimum happiness, success and fulfilment.
If you'd like some help - here's a personal invitation to join me for a -'BECOME THE LEADER OF YOUR OWN LIFE' - VIP Day Intensive/s where you will learn how to let go of old limitations and step into the limitless possibilities which await.
For more details and to book go
to:
https://ginagardinerassociates.co.uk/page_48.php?pgenme=leadership-for-life&nav_group=all
Further Resources:
'leadership For Life' Radio and
TV Shows on W4CY live every Thursday at 6pm UK time 1pm Eastern
https://w4cy.com/shows/leadership-for-life/
Youtube Leadership For Life
Playlist
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLR8ab6DHaK7nWQc2cG8WzJxnkD9_LUhqq
Books:
Thriving Not Surviving - The 5
Secret Pathways To Happiness Success And Fulfilment
https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B074BPBLD3/ref=dbs_a_def_rwt_bibl_vppi_i1
The Happiness Challenge
https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B08BC1H4YS/ref=dbs_a_def_rwt_bibl_vppi_i3
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Being Single And Happy
https://www.dhirubhai.net/pulse/being-single-happy-gina-gardiner
If I'm Not My Job Who Am I?
https://www.dhirubhai.net/pulse/im-my-job-who-am-i-gina-gardiner
#self-worth #confidence #happiness #mentalhealth #wellbeing #perception #changingbehaviour #leadership #selflove #health #dealingwithstress #dealingwithanxiety