Learning to Listen
Listening skills are a major part of every mediation training program.
I can explain why listening is important in mediation, but I admit many people early in their training have a facial expression that says, “I’ve been listening all my life, let’s move on.”
Recently, I found a new book called “Holding the Calm” by attorney and mediator Hesha Abrams, which relates an example of listening she feels illustrates the type mediators must learn to do. At one time in her life Ms. Abrams wanted to give back to her community by volunteering for a Suicide Crisis Hotline. She thought she knew how to listen, especially having attended the center’s training program. Her first call came from a desperate woman. Throughout an exhausting hour long session she tried hard to give advice and provide resources that included a checklist designed to turn the caller’s life around. After the call, an experienced volunteer told her, “You’re doing it all wrong!” Hesha then realized she had not listened, but instead managed to show the caller how she was smarter and had her life together. by comparison
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She then began practicing how to listen and explains on page 37 of her book: “I hit my tongue when I wanted to talk or give advice. I consciously nodded my head even though I was on the phone. I repeated back what people said and mirrored their thoughts. I asked questions--not to get answers but to genuinely inquire. My intent was to make people feel heard, empowered, and validated, even over the smallest detail…. I learned how to listen—to hear behind the words, hear what is not being said, and hear deeply.”
That is exactly the kind of listening skills mediators must develop to understand how the speaker sees their situation—not how the mediator would if “they were in their shoes.” Listening for understanding is the kind that engenders the trust that helps make the mediation process work.