Learning to Ignore the Inner Voice After Brain Injury
David A. Grant
Nonprofit Founder at BIHN / Author / Keynote Speaker / Disability Advocate
Thank you to Brainline for publishing my most recent article. It takes time to learn to ignore the inner negative post-TBI narrative.
~David
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Learning to Ignore the Inner Voice After Brain Injury
Next month will mark the nine year anniversary of my brain injury. It was on a chilly November day in southern New Hampshire that my life, and the lives of all those close to me, changed forever. I was run over by a teenage, newly-licensed driver - struck down while I was cycling.
My broken bones, bruises, and lacerations from the shattered windshield are now all distant memories, but my brain injury lingers on. Unlike my broken arm that had a date-stamp for recovery, my TBI will be with me for the duration. For as long as I have a heartbeat, I will continue to recover.
Over the last few years, my gains have exceeded what members of the medical community predicted as my outcome. I am back to work on a full-time basis, helping to support our household in a meaningful way. If you were to meet me today (providing it wasn’t a bad TBI day), you would never know that I faced near death and live with a hidden disability.
Dare I say that life is reasonably normal these days? I still have “ TBI stuff.” On a bad day, when exhaustion kicks in, my brain injury symptoms come back with a vengeance. Hide ‘n seek with words is a common outcome. Though my word-finding challenges are far less than they were before, they still resurface at unexpected times. These days I shrug it off. It goes with the TBI territory.
Recently, I was reminded in an unexpected way how tough things really were early on. A new friend and I were having a conversation when he uttered a jaw-dropping line.
“I was introduced to you back in 2011. When you spoke to me, it was nothing but gibberish,” he said, much to my surprise. “Someone pulled me aside and told me that you had a bad head injury.”
Here’s where it gets interesting. Did I use this as a point on the linear timeline to feel good about how far I’ve come? About how infrequently I now have audible speech challenges? Did I quietly pat myself on the back, congratulating myself on my ongoing recovery?
Not even close!
In a single tick of the clock, I felt humiliated. I was embarrassed at my behavior from so many years ago. In an instant, I felt “less than” my friend. I immediately felt sub-human. My self-worth plummeted, and though I can’t say for certain, my shoulders probably slumped. I was completely deflated.
And then the voices started. Not out loud, mind you. That would be more of a psychotic episode. Rather, I am referencing that inner narrative that we all have, brain-injured or not.
“He knows that you are disabled and pities you.”
“What an idiot I am. I must have looked like a complete fool.”
“If someone told him that I had a head injury, that means that lots of people were talking about me. I bet none of it was good.”
And the toughest of all, “You are never going to be normal again. You will spend the rest of your life never living up to the standards of those uninjured. You will ALWAYS be ‘less than.’”
As much as I would like to say that this was a one-off event, it’s not. In the quiet of home, when something TBI related comes up, I am indeed able to shrug it off. But when I’m out and about, in public with other people, and TBI symptoms resurface, it’s a whole different scenario.
So, what is the solution? The first step is awareness. You can’t change behavior that you are blind to. Though painful, just being aware that the inner narrative is false is a great place to start. But awareness alone means that no changes have been made. While I can’t help what I think, I do have the power to respond to my thoughts.
While I don’t do this audibly, I can take mental control of things and remind myself that I am a miracle. If I believed the medical professionals, I wasn’t supposed to have the life I have today. I am an equal member of the human family – no better or no worse than anyone else. And I sometimes need to remind myself that I am not alone in having an invisible disability.
As I move through my day-to-day life, I pass by others with hidden challenges. That cashier at the market might have fibromyalgia. The person that I just held the door for may be living with depression. The list goes on. Many of us have heard the old saying, “Be kind to people as everyone is fighting their own battle.”
I have a heartbeat; therefore I have challenges. You have a heartbeat, and it’s a near certainty that you have challenges too. If I look at the fact that we all share challenges, then I’m less alone, and simply an average member of the human family. I belong here. And isn’t that all that we really want - just to belong?
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View this article on Brainline here: https://www.brainline.org/blog/getting-back-bike/learning-ignore-inner-voice-after-brain-injury
Affordable Housing, Advocate for disabled
5 年David, my apologies! I made my previous post about my recovery and not about the issue. The invisible mask of TBI is haunting and the slightest error made I'm wondering if others can tell if I have a TBI. 20 years ago when I was working at a Center for Independent Living, I never knew how very cathartic it would be to part of and eventually facilitate the Brain Injury Support Group; this topic was frequently discussed; invariable, we also discussed how we [silently] compared ourselves to each other in the group. The most important thing to remember is no two brain injuries are alike; we're each going to question others impressions of us just we form opinions of them and they have those insecurities, too.
Affordable Housing, Advocate for disabled
5 年David, my TBI in '90 was due to my speeding. I'm told I was thrown from the driver's seat through the rear window. After spending 22 days in deep coma, my long journey to rehab began.? Though there wasn't a cut on me and long term memory was in tact, there was about a six month gap of time before the accident, even 29-years later, still missing. While the word finding problems have certainly lessened, I still joke that my short term memory is stored on an Etch-a-sketch.? Returning to work has posed issues since 18-months after my injury when I wanted to return to work even twenty-nine years later it has been through the assistance of my TBI Dr.; the special relationship I developed with her family that I've been able to network the greatest opportunity to succeed despite developing a medication-resistant seizure disorder as a result after sustaining a 2nd head trauma in '05. Along the way, what has helped quell those voices the most was my former Neuropsychiatrist including me in her TBI talks and presentations to medical professionals at all levels and allowing me to speak to medical and physician assistant students offering a survivors perspective to put a face on what TBI doesn't resemble in the doctor's office.
Traumatic Brain Injury Consultant/Wildlife Biologist
5 年One of the biggest problems I’ve had these last 38 years, since the first 3 of my 9 NFL brain surgeries, is to turn off all the noise and conversations going on in my skull at once. Things I need to do, things I did, things I didn’t do, things I can’t remember if I did, things I said, things people said to me. These are just a “few” of the constant storm of voices and conversations that cycle through my brain constantly. Sleep has been a battle since 1981 as sometimes the voices actually get louder when I’m most tired and trying to sleep. https://www.espn.com/espn/story/_/page/George-Visger/george-visger-damage-done
Writer | Content Creator | Online Marketer | Social Media Management
5 年I always had that nasty inner voice, David. The brain injury just made it louder. Ironically though, it also taught me to change it.? Not ignore it, but change it to a kinder, more compassionate, encouraging voice. I hope that for you and others.? It is possible and life gets much easier when you are kind to yourself.? I'm 12 years post-injury.??
Lightworker, Reiki Master III, TBI Survivor & Advocate
5 年Beautiful David. This line really struck me as so true... *For as long as I have a heartbeat, I will continue to recover. So true. TY