Learning How to Lose

When I look back on the summer of 2024, it will be filled with some really beautiful memories. A relaxed schedule with my two sons off school, so much baseball that took us on some incredible journeys including the Cal Ripken World Series (for both of their teams!), visits from family, pool time, day trips, and much more. But it will also carry a shadow of loss.

My father lost his battle with cancer in early June. From Memorial Day through Labor Day, it has felt like a cloud of loss opened up on my family. This of course being the biggest. Aside from processing the incredible heartbreak of my dad’s passing, an assortment of other “storms” have blown through my personal and professional life bringing various forms of loss, disappointment, and anxiety. From just about every appliance in our house needing repair (not kidding…microwave, refrigerator, washing machine, toilet, coffee pot, and HAVC system), to several difficult conversations that had to be addressed with vendors and peers, my husband and I were emotionally depleted many days.

I think what’s hardest is that summer is my favorite season. I look forward to the warmer weather, longer days, and laid-back nature it brings. As we approached Memorial Day I had so many hopes for a peaceful, easy summer. And most days it felt like anything but. The sunshine almost felt like it was mocking the dark clouds I was feeling on the inside. Days I could have spent by the pool, I was more inclined to curl up inside with the curtains drawn and nap. But even a nap couldn’t provide the rest I was hoping for, because when I awoke, the sadness and anxiety remained. So yeah, this season was tough, it was emotionally heavy, and it seemed like the punches kept coming.

I share all of this to ensure anyone experiencing a similar season of life knows they are not alone. On the outside, it can be a sunny day, but you can still be battling your own storm clouds inside. You can experience beautiful moments of joy while your thoughts recede back to sorrow, loss, and fear. It’s normal, it’s human, and it will happen again and again throughout our lives.

Even when surrounded by so much love and support, and too many blessings to count, grief is a process that you just have to walk through it a step at a time. Similarly, loss is something you must navigate day by day. Whether that’s the tremendous loss of a loved one or minor inconveniences that leave you feeling frustrated, they all take a toll. While this season will be remembered with loss, I refuse to let it be in vain. I have experienced so much growth, personally and professionally. And I know the lessons of “how to lose” will serve me well into the future, and I am a better person as a result.

With reflection, and I know it will only grow with time, here are some of the most eye-opening truths I have learned about learning how to lose. I hope these can inspire you as well, and encourage you that your own season of loss can also shape you into a more compassionate and resilient person.

Take every day at face value.

One of my biggest challenges that I am working through is to stop the cycle of “pre-worrying” about things that haven’t taken place yet. Ever since I was a child, my mind would always drift to the “what ifs” of life. What a waste of time! Most of these scenarios never come to fruition, and even if they did/do, my pre-worry won’t change a thing about it. In this season, I have learned that some of the absolute worst outcomes might come true. But I’m strong, smart, and I have a great support system. I can and will navigate my way through the most difficult obstacles. So instead of wasting time on worry, I am trying to adopt the “So what if it does? I got this!” mindset instead, and to take every day just as it comes, at face value.

Release your grip on expectations.

In a similar vein to pre-worry, I am also guilty of setting lofty expectations for my life. Especially when I was younger (and likely less jaded), I felt it was reasonable even admirable to want it all. But holding expectations for how things will go, how people will act, and what life will give to you is only setting yourself up for disappointment. As I have learned how to deal with loss, I’ve learned life is far better when I don’t set specific expectations, but instead hold joy and excitement for whatever tomorrow brings. It doesn’t have to look one certain way. Instead, I know “God works for the good?of those who love him, who have been called?according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28). Therefore, I can release expectations and instead hold my hands open for His plans which are far better than any of my own.

Stop chasing after things not meant for you.

If you’re not used to loss, you can become accustomed to always getting what you want, and boy is that dangerous. When we get lost in the cycle of want-receive, want-receive, want-receive, we can’t see clearly that everything we want is not always good for us. We’re just consuming to consume, and that will make anyone very “sick” sooner or later. In this season, I experienced the loss of pitches and proposals that were declined, and clients who wanted to reduce or pause their services. In my 13+ years of entrepreneurship, this has happened a handful of times, but not in such a condensed timeframe. Each situation was unique and unrelated. In no way was it personal, yet it definitely felt that way. Then I grew anxious about meeting my business goals for the year. So I found myself chasing projects that weren’t a good fit. I can now see more clearly that this will only lead to more frustrations in the future. When we experience loss, we can be tempted to hold on tightly to whatever else is around us. But we need to let things flow. Several losses might come in a short amount of time, but we have to trust the process and know that not everything is meant to be kept – with loss also comes freedom.

Value your time above all else.

Time is the ultimate currency, and it’s really all we have in this life. The cost of anything is the amount of time we trade for it. And everything costs us some amount of time. Choose where you spend it wisely! My dad passed away at 69 years old. Many people get years if not decades longer to live, but we never know exactly how much time we’re given. If time was tangible, if we could know and see exactly how much we had left to spend in this life, I guarantee we’d all view our time management habits differently. It would also reinforce setting boundaries and saying no to things that are not worth our time – my biggest obstacle being the ultimate time thief of worry.

If it costs you your peace, it’s too expensive.

Peace is the real prize. Not money, clout, power, or prestige. If you have any of that, but you don’t have peace, life will always feel heavy and hard. When you see someone who is wealthy but their life is so full of chaos and drama that they aren’t happy, it’s because they have sacrificed peace for whatever society is telling them is the end-game. Oh but how they get it wrong! Again, peace is the prize. Loss is bearable when you have peace with the outcome, peace with your ability to recover, and peace with knowing you will heal. When you prioritize peace, everything else is just a bonus. But when you don’t have peace, nothing else will be enough.

We are not promised a perfect life.

And most importantly, we are not promised a perfect life. We have all heard the old adage that life is not fair. Often that phrase can feel like someone telling you not to be a sore loser, but there’s helpful truth to it. Again it comes back to expectations. When we expect life to always be favorable to us, when we expect the win, the comeback, or the crisis to be averted every single time, we are setting ourselves up for guaranteed disappointment. Instead, if we adopt the mindset that life is not fair nor perfect, and that’s actually what’s exciting about it, we can release those expectations and take each day at face value (points 1 and 2). And that, my friends, is true peace and freedom!

Have you experienced your own season of loss? What have you learned through the process? Leave a comment and let’s spark a discussion.

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