The Language of Communication

I′ve seen this many times - parents who don′t like each other - are forced to communicate for their children′s sake. I′ve worked part-time in social services, at the family law department for many years. We receive the families that went to court because they (the parents) could not agree on the custody of their children after they split up.

Now, most parents in Sweden handle separation, maintenance, and custody by themselves. A smaller percentage can′t solve it themselves and go to court.

So, the court needs more information before deciding on custody - that′s when we enter the picture. The children come to our facility to meet the parent who has visiting rights.?

A big part of our job is trying to get the parents to communicate with each other. We know that it′s essential for the family. We also know that children caught up in their parents′ conflict suffer.

In the midst of all are the children

But standing between a former couple (that never want to see each other again) is like being bombarded with impressions such as verbal accusations and negative nonverbal behavior.

You′ve lost respect for the person you once loved and cared for. The principle of charity is lost - where you consider the most positive, possible interpretation of what the other is saying. You′re so caught up in your feelings for the other - that you immediately think the worst. For instance, if your ex is five minutes late - you immediately think it′s sabotaging. You′re more generous and forgiving to random people.?

In the midst of all are the children. Your children.

People alienated from each other speak different languages. They use the language of misunderstanding

I′ve been doing this for thirteen years. It′s not easy. Every situation is different. They all have their stories. What I’m describing is a specific situation. But it can exist anywhere.

As an example, when communication breaks down in your workplace. People are no longer talking to each other. It creates a ground for gossip and even more misunderstandings. We mistrust each other and look at them as if they were strangers, enemies. Imagine this in the emergency room. At war? Or any situation where lives are at stake.

So, what can we do??

First, we try to make them understand how the conflict affects their children (insert another group here). Research shows that parental conflicts affect children negatively and can be a contributing factor to developing problems in the future.

And second, we become a medium of communication between them. We explain what the other parent is saying - between the lines. We sometimes read the pm:s that they′ve sent to each other - and interpret them for them. They are like children trying to learn how to read, how to read the other parent. We encourage them to leave their hurt egos and see the other parent as a human being again - a person they once loved. And transmit the love for their child - a part of it to the other parent.?

Ultimately it′s like creating a new language.?

Paulina Martinez

Transforming Past Pain into Personal Power - Unlocking the Knowledge You Were Meant to Have | Mental Fitness | Trauma-informed Educator | Swedish | Spanish ??