Learning from the lies we tell

Recently someone lied to me. At the time, I had no idea. They looked me straight in the eye, told their lie and went about their day. A few days later, they were unexpectedly caught out, and were left with no other option but to own it.

Now this could have played out a few ways.

Option 1: Take it personally, behave poorly and use language that left them with no doubt in their mind about how I was feeling.

Option 2: Shut down, freeze them out and decide that they were no longer worth my energy and effort as they can’t be trusted.

Option 3: Remain calm and use curiosity and open questions to dig into the reason for the lie and why they felt like they needed to do it in the first place.

Now let’s be honest. Being lied to is frustrating.

Lies can break bonds between people, erode trust and cause problems in relationships. Depending on the lie, we might find ourselves yelling, swearing, storming out, shaming the person, shutting down, spending hours, days or weeks ruminating about why and how they could have done what they did.

The reality is that people lie. Lies can vary from a small omission of detail to a flat-out furphy.

The reason for the lie might vary from a need to protect themselves from an unpleasant or conflict situation, to spare or protect another’s feelings, to keep a secret, to present a different (perceived better) version of themselves, to be liked and in some cases, to manipulate others.

Irrespective of the reason, it is important that we recognise the choice to lie is made in that moment. And when we are on the receiving end of someone else’s lie, we recognise that we then have a choice about how respond.

I am not proud to say it, however when looking through the options that I outlined above, I have regularly tested Option 1 and 2 in the past, with a bit of name calling and talking about the person behind their back thrown in for good measure. It helps when others validate how much we have been wronged doesn’t it?

Fortunately, over time, personal experience (and my children) has taught me that Option 3 can be much more effective. Sure, some lies are bigger than others, people can get hurt by lies, businesses can go out of business, and families can be destroyed. ??

Option 3 however provides me with greater power and choice.

It ensures that I continue to live by my values and maintain my integrity. It enables me to detach from the emotion and use logic to gather information, gain clarity and determine what I do next. Depending on the lie, it also enables me to start the healing process quicker. ?

I accept that we all create reasons to lie and validate in our own minds why we have done it. It doesn’t always make it right; however, it does provide an opportunity for growth and insight.

• In what situations do you find yourself telling a lie?
• Do you understand the reasons behind your choice to lie?
• What effect does this have on your relationships?
• How do you respond when you are lied to by someone?
• How has this response worked for you in the past? Is there anything that you could change?

Would love to hear your thoughts.?