Learning to Confront

Confronting someone is never an easy thing to do. Earlier this month, I read an article in UCB, which quoted Proverbs 13:18, ‘If you accept correction, you will be honoured.’

In my group program for coaches this week, one of the coaches talked about the very topic of knowing when to confront our clients. Hopefully as you read up until the end, you’ll have at least an ounce of confidence in confronting someone.

Confrontation is necessary.

Patrick Lencioni’s book, ’The 5 Dysfunctions of A Team’ reinforces that healthy confrontation calls for speaking the truth in kindness and best intentions of those receiving it.

This is not easy and as coaches we often shy away from confrontation in the early stages of the new relationship with a client, but I want each of us to understand that this is not always good for us nor for our clients.

We are expected to hold our clients accountable and to do this healthy confrontation is essential. We should set the expectations and boundaries with our clients especially during the on-boarding sessions and then update and review these as the program continues.

No-one enjoys confrontation, generally, but it is impossible to grow without it.

In the early years of my coaching business, I met Richard, one of my ideal clients, who later became a good friend but sadly passed away at a young age. He had had a few business coaches and I was very pleased when he signed up. The work we would do together was amazing and along with it, had outstanding results.

After about 3 months he started one of our sessions by telling me that he was terminating his program with me. Surprised by his response, I asked him why.

He told me that he had high hopes for me as his coach and in many areas he could see that was not misplaced. He only had a problem with one aspect.

I was not holding him accountable enough and I was not pushing back or questioning his ideas and thoughts enough! He wanted more and he knew that for him to succeed he needed a strong coach that would be ‘critical and challenging’. This took me by surprise and I told him that during the early relationships I liked to find my feet and then set the boundaries.

Set expectations early on.

This experience taught me that I should not wait to set the expectations and ‘rules of the game’ by which our coaching sessions would take place. I knew from that point onwards I would challenge my clients more and learn how to confront them for growth to take place. Here are four tips and lessons that you can learn and use to improve your client’s success:

1. Talk to the person, not about them. Healthy conflict should be tackled in the sessions directly and not by email. I often critique work by email but if I sense some confrontation is needed, I do it in person by phone, zoom or face to face.
2. Don’t exaggerate or use hype. Give specific examples where you can see the issues and don’t hide behind words or be cryptic. Be specific and ensure it is clearly understandable and the intentions transparent.
3. Don’t guilt trip them, help them. Don’t leave your client unclear because the session comes to an end or time runs out. They may feel guilty at the start of the confrontation but should leave or end with a clear direction of what they and you can do to get things back on track, in a positive and constructive way.
4. Don’t be critical. Any criticism should be constructive and with a way to work on the issue. Being critical on its own is destructive. Be compassionate about the situation and show empathy. You find it beneficial to use some personal examples of how you have dealt with similar circumstances. If you are too ‘critical’ the client will dread another ‘beating of a coaching session’ and that is not good for retention levels or success. This is vital to get this balance right.
5. You don’t have to be a confrontational person to learn how to confront. All you’ll need is that sense of compassion and care knowing that when you confront, it is for the good of the other.?

Take-aways or actions for reader

• Look at your existing clients and consider what boundaries and expectations you need to set sooner rather than later.
• Set up a part of your on-boarding process to agree and set the ‘rules of the game’ for coaching sessions and calls.
• Encourage your clients to read Patrick’s book and embrace confrontation in their business and learn the 4 tips themselves.
• Check in with your clients as the relationships progress as the levels of expectations will change and grow with the development of that relationship.

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