Learn to walk away from toxic people

Strong relationship you build cannot easily tore down no matter how toxic it has become. How people become toxic by the way? In a relationship, both of you contributed a lot. Be it painful statement, dishonesty and lying, insensitivity of each others feelings, trials in life or problems hard to handle and manage. There is a lot of toxic reasons but never think highly of yourself. And put the blame on your partner or people your'e around with and call them toxic people. We are all like wolves in our lives but we need our packs to go on living.

Give yourself a breath. Take yourself away if you feel suffocated. Being away for sometime can make you feel rested and evaluate how meaningful life can be if you want to stay away. Or how ironic life can be if you will leave a bond that took you years to build. Life doesn't always begins with new things and new faces. Most of the time, life begins when you have overcome your own selfishness and finds no one to blame for your unhappiness. It all rested at your own choice and decision.

Don’t buy into the lie that we are addicted. That we have Low self Worth. That we were abused as kids so we expect that as adults. No. We are human. And we all want love. In every relationship their is love mixed in with all that bad. And that’s what we miss. What we long for. So don’t fault yourself for having a difficult time leaving the toxic. It’s normal. We are all the same. But , if there is so much bad mixed in there , we have to leave. I’m sure down the road it’ll be ok for you. Just remember that what you’re going through is normal… in the meantime surround yourself with people who understand. Who make you feel better. Loved. And get some counselling too. That’ll help.

Because toxicity brings excitement and drama which people love. The unexpected in these relationships or people is what attracts people and keep them. The drama is what make people fall in love and stay with/in toxic people and relationships. Because you either don’t believe you deserve better. Are accustomed to it because that’s how you grew up or you’re toxic as well. Either way, the only answer is to work on yourself and stop focusing on the other person. You can’t control or change them. You can’t get them to see the error of their ways. You can’t mend their childhood issues.

You can only fix you. So, I suggest getting into some therapy and doing some self esteem work and start to unpack why you’re letting yourself be treated poorly because it isn’t the other persons fault. You lack boundaries and self esteem. But, that can be fixed. However, it won’t fix itself so get out there and go do something about it. There can be many reasons. One could just be that the sex is good. When not having sex, the rest of the interactions don’t go well.

I could be the thought of being alone or not having a relationship. However, generally, a toxic relationship is worse than no relationship at all. This is an example of the strange relationships we get into. I prefer women who abuse me! Once i find one she would have a hell of time dealing with me because the more abuse, the more I cling. We may often become toxic to our partners when we see ourselves as starved for their attention, their equal love and affection, when we want them to feel and think like us and so forth.

Toxicity in a relationship may often come from the idea of “equal” give and take. I am definitely not against equal “investment” but it is important to realize that there is a difference between striving toward equal investment and expecting, requesting and demanding that. What may often happen in a scenario like this is that you may start to feel resentment and set-aside when your partner doesn’t give you equal or more return of investment. It is easy to become value-taking rather than value-giving in a situation like this.

You will need to understand that the power dynamic in a relationship is different and that your take on the relationship is often different than your partner’s. It is also important to understand that we have relationships with many elements in our lives. Our parents, our siblings, our children, our coworkers and so forth. However, we often forget that the number one relationship that we have is with ourselves.

In this area you need to ask yourself what type of relationship you have with yourself. For example, what do you feel comfortable with doing and not doing in a relationship. I am not necessarily talking about sex here but more about how much and how far you are willing and able to give of yourself. Me personally I like my alone-time. I like to see my friends and have a life outside my relationship. As such my relationship with myself may prevent me from being equally present in my relationship to my partner than what he actually is.

Of course I try to compromise as much as possible whenever possible. However, I think there is a difference between sacrificing things for the relationship, compromising and having standards and boundaries. People should always respect their own standards and boundaries. One of my standards and boundaries is to actually have a life outside my relationship. It is not something I am going to sacrifice. If I am busy with something then I will focus on completing it and I will then get back to my partner if he called or texted me.

Compromise is when you may not disrespect your standards and boundaries but you still come up with a “counter-offer” to reduce any form of rejection. For example, let’s say he asks you to do something on Saturday but you have other plans. Don’t drop those plans but do come up with a counter-offer of hanging out the next day or something. This is a compromise. So never demand and expect people to change their relationship with themselves, and how much and how deep they are either able or willing to invest in the relationship. It may never be equal or matching to yours.

If you feel that you are investing too much in the relationship and not getting anything in return you are clearly doing something wrong. In that situation you can cut back on the investment and focus more on yourself. In that scenario you need to communicate your standards more and better… and you also need to respect your own standards and boundaries. People generally respect those who respect themselves. The end result of this is that you become less toxic when you expect and demand less of people in relation to yourself and how much effort you put in. You become less toxic when you become less value-taking and more value-giving

You should be giving yourself because you simply want to and enjoy it. Not because you have a hidden agenda or ulterior motive of getting equal something in return. When you have that “I am doing X because I expect Y in return” you are being partially value-taking. Get honest. You're getting something out of this relationship. Figure out what it is and then address it. Start meeting your own needs. Make a hit list. No holds barred. The big, obvious things, the small and petty, and even assumptions. Focus on that. Read and re-read it. This helps give a more balanced perspective instead of focusing on the few(er) good things instead of all the negative and toxic.

Make a relationship needs list. Really put time and effort into making this thorough. Think of your ideal relationship. After you do that, look at how many are not being met in this relationship. Do not allow yourself to reminisce about the good times. Do not allow yourself to fantasize about what-gifs or a different reality. Go back to the hit list. Ask yourself this: if I knew for a fact this relationship was going to stay exactly the way it is right now for the next 5-10 years and get even worse, would I stay? This is who this person is and how the two of you are in relationship. This is your reality.

Tell yourself you must do this for your own well-being even though it's painful. Break up. Leave. Say you need time and space to grieve. (No contact.) Put away everything having to do with them…pictures, letters, gifts. Put it in a box in your closet. Leave it there. You can look at them later. Be with friends and family. Do not “stay friends” with your ex. Stay busy but not like a workaholic. You also need down time to process, grieve, and rest. Pamper yourself. Work on your self-esteem. Learn a new skill or start a new hobby or pick up one you used to do but stopped. Pick something you're scared of and do it. Volunteer somewhere or just go visit with people in a nursing home one day.

Evaluate the relationship once you're able to do it from a more balanced perspective. Did you miss red flags? Did you get involved too quickly?What could you have done differently? What will you do differently in your next relationship? What lessons can you take from this experience? Get therapy if you need it. Is this a pattern for you? There may be underlying issues that need addressing. When manipulation towards you far exceeds anything that is perceived as good toward you.

This is the Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde effect, when they turn from acting like they think they love you into the actual monster that they are. They can’t love, they think they love and perceive it much differently than how we feel it. When not if, they emotionally abuse you or most definitely physically abuse you that is when to seek help and get away. Things will never get better, it will only get worse with a narcissist. If you leave them they will hoover you eventually but never go back to them.

They use every trick in the book, use such nice words to get you back that it makes you want to be back in their arms. This is the devil in disguise, it will get worse than before if you go to them. They have such fragile self esteem that the worse thing to them is when you leave them instead of them discarding you. Remember, they treated you like dirt throughout the relationship, who cares who dumps who in this abusive relationship. Bless you on your journey! Cheers!