Learn to say NO without feeling guilty

  Too many times, you say yes to every request in order to not hurt the feelings of a family member, a friend, a co-worker or a boss. …At what cost????

I’m not talking about saying yes to something once or twice just because…No, it is that consistently saying yes to others even though you don’t want to do it, you already have a workload that you don’t know what to do with, even though you had planned to do something else altogether…

So, yes there is a cost involved…and that cost is often your own health or wellbeing, your own sanity, your peace of mind…

When you do this at the expense of your own peace or health, you are going completely against the principles of self-care. It's good to realize you're only human and you can't possibly make everyone happy. 

I always say: “Even a clown does not make every child happy”

Saying yes to everything sets you on a collision course to stress, unhappiness even total burnouts, and it's very bad for your physical and emotional health.

Saying NO is defined as disagreeing or not to accept something. Most people feel pressured to consent, to give in to every request, and would rather be like one of those plate spinners with too many plates which eventually begins to look like a Greek wedding with the number of broken plates, rather than turn someone down, regardless of whether they are left without any time for themselves. 

Therefore, learning how to say no can earn you some respect from yourself as well as people around you. Strangely, the capacity to say no is firmly connected to fearlessness. Individuals with low self-esteem and confidence regularly feel anxious about upsetting others, and tend to put the needs of those people before their own. 

“Half of the troubles of this life can be traced to saying yes too quickly and not saying no soon enough.” Josh Billings

If you are like me and have ever said yes when you really want to say no, the real question is, how do you say “no” without offending the other person or, in worst cases scenarios, lose your job?

Another quote: “I refuse to please others at the expense of my emotional well-being. Even if it means saying no to people who are used to hearing yes” - Anonymous

Here are 7 things to help you when you are on the brink of saying yes again…:

1.    Know you can’t please everyone. Tell yourself “It is impossible to please everyone”. Saying “yes”, all the time can be draining, and you need to draw the line on when and how to say “no”. It may feel like you are disappointing others by saying no but if you constantly say yes, people will take advantage of you.

2.    Reflect and prepare yourself to say “No”. The best strategy here is to have measures in place ready to say “no”. You can have a prepared decision-making structure that should help you have a valid reason for saying no. You also need to take your time and think about the request. Do you have time? Is it advantageous to you? What are the risks of saying yes or no? Be firm without coming across as harsh.

3.    Avoid details. In saying “no”, it is best to keep your reason short and simple. If you go into details, you run the risk of being talked out of your “no” into an insincere “yes”. 

4.    Know the things people use to get you to say “yes”. Because you have said yes so many times, the other person knows exactly what to say and do, to turn your “no” into “yes”. Recognise this manipulative tactic, keep your cool and stand firm in your decision.

5.    Just Say “No”. Not “maybe” or “possibly”, just plain “no”. There is power in being direct, as that way there is no room for misinterpretation. In most cases those wishy-washy versions of “no” are always translated into “yes” by the other person. Once again, be firm and just say “No”.

6.    Offer an alternative. Even though you can’t be of help you could offer suggestions. You could either recommend another person or suggest a way to have the task done. This would let the other person know that you are not just saying “no” but have put some thought into it.

7.    Beware of your apology. It’s good to say “I’m sorry” but be sure not to go overboard, otherwise you come across as not firm in your “no” and the other person can use the apology to get a “yes” out of you.

2 simple tips when saying no:A.    Say “no” with a gentle smile. (it does not have to be with an angry face and a loud voice to back that up.)

B.    Follow up after saying “no” with the reason so the other person knows you were not just thoughtlessly saying “no”

“You can be a good person with a kind heart and still say no.” Lori Deschene

There is a lot of value in valuing yourself and your health enough, to say NO without the need to feel guilty….Your health is important.

You can also watch the video of this self-care article on this link: https://youtu.be/rblWfmuXhx4

Jan Robberts - Self-Care Series