Learn to Respect Boundaries!

Learn to Respect Boundaries!

by: Devina A. (Junior Trainer of Yayasan Teman Saling Berbagi)

#assertivecommunication #respect #boundaries

Say someone is insisting on buying you a drink when you don’t drink alcoholic beverages or insisting you eat more food even when you are already full. In this scenario, you already said no, but the person does not back down. How do you feel?

According to the American Psychological Association Dictionary, a boundary can be defined as “A psychological demarcation that protects the integrity of an individual or group or that helps the person or group set realistic limits on participation in a relationship or activity.” Therefore, the actions mentioned at the beginning of this article are a breach of our boundaries.

If this sort of coercive behavior annoys us to our end, imagine if we do them to other people. It would probably annoy them as well. So let us learn how to respond to rejection.

Why Someone Says No to You

Ever heard someone says, “Not everything in this world is about you?” As painful as that sounds, it is a good thing because whenever someone refuses our offers, expresses negative emotions towards us, or wants to be alone, this could mean many things outside our control. For instance, it could simply mean they want to be alone to recharge or are not in the mood to socialize.

Remembering this quote helps us better regulate our emotions in the face of rejection and empathize with others. When someone says no to us, instead of thinking we did wrong, try putting ourselves in their shoes, especially if we could relate to needing to recharge our social battery and just feeling tired.

A reminder, though: Hey, sometimes someone can even say no for no reason, and that is valid, too!

How to Respond to Rejection?

The main point is to accept their rejection. If someone rejects our advances or offers, respect their wishes. This does not necessarily mean that the person you spoke with dislikes you. This might hurt because it wound our pride, but it would feel like you are respecting their boundaries to them.

1. First, remember to stay calm and not jump to conclusions.
2. Second, remain courteous and tell them it is okay not to join in whatever activity you propose to do with them.
3. Third, if the person looks unhappy or stressed out, ask them if they are okay and want to talk about it.
4. Fourth, if they want to talk about it, remember to listen actively while maintaining their privacy. If they do not, wish them well and walk away. Sometimes walking away is a better way to make other people feel safe around you.

Please note that if we have made the four points mentioned above, this does not give us the excuse to mock someone for giving their rejection at any point in time. It would seem as if we are guilt-tripping the person for not doing what we asked them to do, and it would make them feel uncomfortable around us. Guilt-tripping, as mentioned by?Psychology Today, is “a form of unconscious emotional blackmail whereby the guilt-tripper feels entitled and innocent of any misdeed.” The feeling of entitlement would mean we are putting our ego first instead of respecting our friends, family, and significant other’s limits.?

We may put ourselves first by saying no to things we do not wish to do, but putting our ego first would end up hurting others, such as not listening to someone’s rejection.?

How Does Consent Affect Relationships?

Consent is essential, especially in terms of respecting someone’s limits. In an extreme example, this could mean respecting your partner’s wishes not to be intimate when they do not feel like it.

For instance, John has been dating Linda for three months, and they are comfortable holding hands in public. John wants to take it to the next step and kiss Linda. Instead of doing what he wanted to do, he would ask Linda if it was okay to kiss. If Linda says yes, it means Linda has consented to the kiss. If she says no, John will have to respect her decision.

Suppose John decides to brute force his way to kiss Linda despite her reluctance. In that case, this means John has violated not only Linda’s boundaries but also the dignity of her body. This is an example of unwanted sexual advances.

Let us be clear that sexual violence is restricted to not only forced penetration of a blatant sexual act but also any sexual-related coercive behavior that causes humiliation, such as unwanted touches, forcing someone to watch sexual activity, rape, denial of the usage of contraception, and forced abortion among other things.

The following example does not mean we are only respecting sexual boundaries. Still, it also applies to keeping someone’s secret if they say not to say anything to another person. It also applies to not forcing a colleague to a company dinner they do not want to attend. It also involves not suddenly entering their room without permission when they have said that they want to be alone. Or maybe just as simple as not borrowing a friend’s utensil when they said no.

Consequences of Not Respecting Someone’s Boundary

The person who already had a bad day would probably have an even worse day. A slap on the wrist would be something like the person more likely to be more uncomfortable around us and develop an avoidance behavior because of our intrusive behavior. Things can escalate from trying to refuse us nicely to fighting because we insist on forcing them to do something they would not like to do. It could also be the source of a broken relationship due to trust violation. Not respecting someone’s boundary also invoke trauma, anxiety, and other mental and physical health problems, especially in cases like abuse, where the recipient of the act does not willingly give consent to the perpetrator.

Remember the famous quote, “Treat how you want to be treated”. When you respect someone’s boundaries, the people around you would be also more likely to respect your boundaries.

Wouldn’t it be nice to politely decline and get a response that allows you to feel safe saying no without making false excuses?