Learn to Love Your Anxious Self

The American Psychological Association distinguishes anxiety from fear, and the distinctions are very telling: Whereas fear is “an appropriate, present-oriented, and short-lived response to a clearly identifiable and specific threat,” anxiety is “a future-oriented, long-acting response broadly focused on a diffuse threat.” Anxiety can linger long past a threatening situation, or it may not even have a cause that we can identify. Sometimes it seems rational; other times it can seem to arrive “out of nowhere,” and make no sense at all. If you have anxiety you know that sometimes it’s lying to you and sometimes it’s nonsensical.?

Those of us who are anxious by nature, like me, have what psychologists call “trait anxiety:” it’s just part of who we are, like a personality trait. Everyday stressors can feel very threatening, so it’s no surprise that many anxious people go to great lengths to avoid things that make them anxious. Constant or excessive worry is a defining feature of problematic anxiety, and when these feelings are persistent and interfere with our activities of daily life—things like jobs, schoolwork, and relationships—they likely indicate a condition called generalized anxiety disorder.?

I know there are so many just like me—ambitious, career-focused people who succeed while struggling with chronic anxiety. I call us anxious achievers. Anxious achievers are rarely still, in body or in mind. We are goal-oriented, future-oriented, and propelled by forces that give a great weight to decisions made along the way. We are prized team members because we go the extra mile as a matter of course, and nothing less than the best will do. We create extraordinary outcomes because we are driven to always excel and succeed at any challenge we set ourselves. Heaven forbid we let up for a moment.?

Of course, working yourself so hard purely for anxiety’s sake is awful, and it’s no way to live. But because anxiety is an emotion—not an external threat over which you have no control, but an internal state you can learn to manage—you can build a life that isn’t ruled by your anxiety. And in fact, you can even learn to rely on this complicated emotion as your loyal partner and a leadership advantage.

Because here is the beauty of the anxious achiever: If we can align our drive with a larger purpose, we can move mountains. If we can manage our anxiety and lessen the personal toll, we can approach our work with incredible energy and ingenuity. We can be the visionaries who create bold change, and the leaders people want to work for. Even if we feel afraid while doing so.?

I’ve been on a decades long journey to love my anxious brain… even though it drives many of my loved ones up a wall. And while I love and accept my anxious self, I am constantly working to manage my anxiety. It does have negative upstream and downstream effects on other people, especially on people I love like my husband and kids. It also affects my co-workers. And also, giving anxiety too much space in your brain means there is less space for joy, creativity, and all the good stuff!? Like many things in my life, it’s a balancing act.

So, here’s my anxious achiever manifesto. I hope it is helpful to you, if you identify!

One: Your brain is just trying to help! Anxiety is a reaction to threat-- real and imagined. Our brains do not like uncertainty.?When we're faced with any uncertainty, small-scale or large-scale, real or imagined, our threat appraisal system is activated.

The brain’s automatic response creates one of the more frustrating aspects of anxiety: it is often irrational. We may find ourselves in a near-constant state of slightly elevated anxiety, gripped by worry and a vague sense of dread for no discernible reason.

But anxiety’s ancient reason for being is to keep us safe. So anxiety itself is not our enemy. On the contrary, it was designed to be our friend and protector, to keep us out of harm’s way.

I’ve found it enormously helpful to remember this basic truth and to use it as the foundation from which to begin learning how to work with my anxiety, rather than fight a losing battle against it. When my anxiety starts to escalate, I remind myself that my brain isn’t broken and my anxiety isn’t out to take me down.?

Two: Anxiety is not a weakness, and learning to manage it certainly isn’t. What requires more strength and courage—facing a demon or trying to pretend it doesn’t exist? Which path leads to more hope and greater impact—doing the work to address what’s holding you back, or avoiding it?

When you understand your anxiety and learn how to leverage it, you develop a leadership superpower. Anxiety is data. It’s trying to tell you something. When you’re attuned to your emotions and what they’re trying to tell you, you become a conscious and thoughtful leader.??

Three: If you don’t love yourself, who will? I’m always telling my kids to cherish and love themselves, but a lot of us who get mad at our brains don’t practice what we preach. But we should!?

I interviewed Kevin Love, the five-time NBA All Star who helped the Cleveland Cavaliers reach four straight NBA Finals, including a 2016 title, and who also happens to be an Olympic Gold medalist who earns like $30 million a year. Love has candidly discussed his struggles with depression and social anxiety. Clearly, mental illness hasn’t stopped him from reaching the pinnacles of success, but at times it’s impacted his performance and, behind the scenes, left him miserable. He suffered a highly publicized panic attack on the court in 2017, and has said that at his lowest point, his social anxiety was so bad he couldn’t leave his bedroom.?

Kevin spoke to me about the incongruity of not only being a famous person who struggles with social anxiety, but being a star athlete who’s expected to be invincible. “As an athlete, we're looked at as superheroes,” he said. “I know that from growing up and having these superstars in my eyes like Charles Barkley or Shaquille O'Neal, or even before that with Larry Bird and Magic Johnson and Michael Jordan…. These guys are indestructible. Nothing can hurt them.” In this world, showing vulnerability is frowned upon as weakness—an affront to the superhero myth, sure, but also a mark of shame that can diminish a team’s reputation and a player’s livelihood.?

Before he was with the Cavaliers, Kevin was the star player for the Minnesota Timberwolves. But his anxiety was so bad he was never able to enjoy the city or even go outside much. “I had my little pockets where I would go, I had a couple of restaurants,” he said, “and then I would just be basically shutting in my apartment or in my room by myself.” His description of what it feels like for a deeply anxious person to endure a social occasion will be familiar to anyone with social anxiety. “You’re sitting at a meal,” he said, “and you always feel like eyes are on you. And to me having that social anxiety, I felt like I always just needed to look down and look at my food, no eye contact, I'm doing something wrong. Even though I wasn't, I'm doing something wrong, somebody's going to catch me doing something. I have shame. Let's get out of here. Where's the nearest exit?”?

For a long time, Kevin tried to achieve his way out of depression, and his identity and self-worth were dependent on his performance. Now, he still has anxiety and depression, and he’s accepted that they will always be with him. But through therapy, medication, and openly sharing his struggles, he’s learned how to support his mental health and remain competitive. “Being unapologetically myself and walking into a room and just being me at all times—that is so freeing,” he said. “You're just yourself. And you learn to love yourself more.”

Words to live by!