Learn to Decide for Yourself

• “Frankly, she’s out of her depth.”
• “The project was a disaster.”
• “I’m not very confident.”
• “We’ll know you’re ready for promotion if you can get this deal over the line.”
• “He’s always so demanding.”
• “She’s very aggressive.”

Are these facts? Or are they opinions? And if they’re opinions, whose opinions are they? Do they say more about who or what they’re describing or the person who holds them? Are they grounded in truth, or are they coloured by the speaker’s own experience and perception?

Looking at these examples, can you see how easy it is to fall into the trap of confusing opinions – either our own or other people's – with the truth? Many of us do this without thinking about it, unquestioningly giving away our authority and taking on the beliefs of others as if they were fact. By learning to spot opinions easily and recognise them for what they are, we can open up new possibilities for ourselves. We can consciously consider them and set ourselves free from those that may be invalid, limiting or unhelpful. It can be liberating!

What exactly are opinions and facts?

Opinions are thoughts or beliefs formed about something, but not necessarily based on fact. They are an expression of the perceived quality of the thing they’re describing. They can also be called, among other things, assessments, views, assumptions, prejudices, perspectives or worldviews. Essentially, opinions are an expression of someone’s standards or values. An opinion says more about the person sharing it and the standards they live by than what its describing. Opinions can never be true or false, but simply valid or invalid. More on that later!

Facts are the things that can be measured, observed or proven. They’re the things that everyone would agree on. For this reason, facts can be true or untrue and we would know how to ascertain this.

To illustrate the difference, imagine you and I are discussing an art piece in a gallery – an acrylic painting. If I say, “This is an acrylic painting,” this statement is a fact. If I then say, “This is a pretty gaudy mishmash,” and you say, “I think it’s a wonderful painting,” then these two statements are opinions.

Or imagine we’re discussing a new team member at work. If you say, “They’re a qualified CA,” then this is a fact. If I then say, “They’re super well qualified to do the role,” then this is an expression of my subjective view, an opinion. My opinion might be shared by many other people, but it’s still a perspective and not a fact. From these examples, can you begin to see that our opinions say nothing about the painting or the new team member and everything about us and our respective values? About how we’ve learnt to see and measure the world? Our perspectives are shaped by all sorts of things such as our family cultures, socio-cultural narratives, and the experiences we’ve had. Neither is more ‘right’ or accurate than the other, they are simply our lens on the world.

We see the world not as it is, but as we are

This concept is captured beautifully by the author Stephen Covey in an expansion of a well-known quote from the Talmud, “We see the world, not as it is, but as we are – or, as we are conditioned to see it. When we open our mouths to describe what we see, we in effect describe ourselves, our perceptions, our paradigms.”

Why this matters

When we don’t see opinions for what they are – someone’s measure of something according to their standards – we risk giving authority, unquestioningly, to others over our lives. We give up our power to decide what we believe, and what standards we want to measure the world by.

It’s usually less important when the object being described is a painting, but it really starts to matter when the opinions are about us or the things we care about. Incidentally, can you see that I just shared an opinion as if it were a fact? Actually, for an artist of gallery owner, it might be really important if a well-known art critic is describing one of their paintings. Here are some examples of viewpoints that could easily be taken on board as facts and given authority with potentially damaging consequences:

• “You’re not very academic.”
• “Jo’s more creative than analytical.”
• “Children should be seen and not heard.”
• “You’re just not up to the job.”
• “Good girls should be nice and helpful.”
• “Sam’s the naughty one.”
• “You’re such a disappointment.”
• “I wish you could focus a little bit better.”

So how do we tell the difference?

It takes awareness and curiosity to start spotting opinions and separating them out from facts. You can start practicing by looking out for them in conversation (both with others and during internal conversations with yourself). Once you think you might have an opinion, ask yourself, “Is this true?” In case it feels very real, as many opinions often do, ask yourself again, “Is it really, really true?”. If it’s not, then it’s highly likely it’s an opinion.

Checking whether an opinion is valid

As I mentioned, opinions are never true or false, only valid or invalid. That’s because opinions lie in the eye of the beholder and they cannot be measured against criteria in the way that facts can be. To explore an opinion and decide whether it’s valid not, you can follow a process which is known as ‘grounding an opinion’. Simply ask yourself the following questions:

1.????Where might you/they have learned to see the word or measure things in this way?

• According to whose standards are you assessing yourself/ being assessed?
• Who are you giving authority to in holding those standards too?

2.????In which specific areas of your life is this opinion relevant?

3.????What purpose is served by having this opinion?

• How does this opinion take care of you?
• Is this opinion useful?
• How does this opinion serve the sort of future you want for yourself?

4.????What true facts can you point to that provide evidence to support this opinion?

5.????What true facts can you point to that do not provide evidence to support this opinion?

These last two questions can be very interesting. Please be careful not to confuse opinions with facts at this stage. It’s often at this point that people discover there’s very little evidence to support an opinion and a lot of evidence that contradicts it.

If an opinion is valid it could be worth learning from

Seeing whether an opinion valid or not, allows us to choose whether we want to learn from it or let it go. It’s up to us to take authority over our life and decide which opinions we want to adopt, and which we would be better served to ignore. By seeing opinions for what they are, we are creating the freedom to choose.

Activity

If you’d like a little practice, why not try this exercise? You’ll need a pen and paper, or you can use on a screen too.

Step 1

Think of an issue or challenge that you are currently facing and that you’d like to make some progress on. It can be in any area of your life… work, relationship or family, something with a friend, anything that’s bothering you. Now write about it for five to seven minutes. Please don’t think too hard, just write what comes to mind. You’re not going to share this with anyone, so I encourage you to be really honest. The more honest you are, the more you’ll get out of the exercise. Do this before reading the next part (if you can!)

Step 2

Now go back and read what you’ve written. As you read, underline all the statements that you’ve made.

Step 3

Now, of all the statements, pick out the ones that are true facts. You can double-underline these. Remember that in order to be true facts they need to be something everyone would agree on. A fact is a thing that is known or?proved?to be?true, no arguments, for example, “My manager told me I did the last project well” versus “I did well on my last project.” Even though the manager is sharing their opinion, that they shared a positive opinion is a fact.

• Are you noticing anything interesting?
• How many true facts did you find?

Step 4

So, if the remaining statements aren’t true facts, what are they? Most likely, they are opinions.

Food for thought

1. How many opinions did you find?
2. To what extent are you treating your opinions as facts?
3. Are there any that stand out in particular?
4. What are the consequences of treating your opinions as facts?
5. What difference would it make to let go of any unhelpful opinions?
6. What opinions can you adopt that would be more helpful to you?
7. What new perspectives and possibilities have opened up for you as a result of this inquiry?
8. What do you see yourself doing differently as a result of this exercise?

In summary

By consciously noticing the opinions or stories we hold, seeing them for what they are, and exploring them more deeply, we create the opportunity to become more self-authoring. Rather than living at the mercy of other people’s standards and thoughts on life, we get to decide things for ourselves and choose our own perspectives. By using language more consciously, we can generate our future more consciously too.

The ideas offered in this article are an expression of my perspective based on what I’ve learned as a life coach. I offer them in the hope that they might be useful. Please use them at your discretion.

I'm a transformational life and leadership coach who helps people learn how to become their own best resource. If you'd like to have a conversation and find out more about developing new perspectives, please check out my website:?www.claudiaclaytoncoaching.com?

Or get in touch: [email protected]