Leaning into Grief

It seems apt that after hosting a session on #LinkedInLive with a great friend of mine Kate Fismer, an expert in Resilience, that I put hands to keyboard and share what has been a very long journey back to myself. This time last year on LinkedIn, having just turned twenty eight, I had spent the whole day crying and subsequently decided to share what was going on. If there was ever I time that I showed up in my most raw, vulnerable and authentic state, it was that day. I had shared that I had been grieving for a baby that I never knew I was carrying, until I lost them when I found myself in A&E. Since then I have hidden from the world, to heal and to work through what has ultimately been an experience of loss and transformation. As I sit here in lockdown, reading of the collective grief we are experiencing for the world and lives we’ve left behind, I find myself reflecting on the journey that I’ve been on for the past 12 months

Hiding from the world

Although I wrote about hiding from the world in my last newsletter article, I wanted to come back to it from a different angle. I previously wrote about my process of coming out of hiding but the process of being in hiding played such a huge part in my healing. Hiding from the world for me has always been my coping mechanism but this was a situation that it actually served me well. Because a previous Alex, would have ignored the trauma that I had just suffered both physically and mentally and “just got on with it”. But instead I decided to hit pause. I don’t know if my body over-rode my mind, that even if I wanted to I couldn’t physically move, the intense pain had me glued to my bed for quite a while. But now looking back at that period, I needed time to grieve and to process the trauma that I lived and I’m so glad I did, because I know that if I hadn’t, it would have resurfaced in my life at some point. 

The five stages of grief

Grief is a rollercoaster of emotions. It’s like the world sucks you into a tumble dryer and spits you back out. You stand up and you feel disoriented, wondering which direction to take. According to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kesller, experts on grief, there are five stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. What is important to note and probably one of the biggest lessons of going through grief with someone at the same time, is that grief happens in very different ways, at very different times, for different people. Whilst these tools are a framework, we all experience things in different way and have our own unique experiences.

For me denial was just feeling numb. I knew very well what had happened because it was such a visceral and physical experience that there was no denying it, the aftermath left me in shock trying to get through life day by day. Anger looked a lot like constant arguing with my partner, something that wasn’t common in our relationship and going to therapy on numerous occasions angry or frustrated. Bargaining was unstoppably thinking about “if only I would have ____” and filling it with every possible thing that could have prevented it from happening. Depression was not wanting to go out into the world and spending almost 2 months in bed not moving from the emotional and physical pain. 

“Acceptance was leaning into my grief when it came back to overwhelm me and knowing that it was okay”

Going back into the world

I remember so distinctly going to my first speaking gig post miscarriage which was only a few weeks after and a few days after I released the video sharing what had happened. The event organiser turned around to me and said “I’m so sorry to hear what happened… These things happen but you’ve got to get back to work.” I sort of stood there stunned and in silence. “No actually, you don’t and I didn’t.” They looked surprised. But you see the thing is our society, friends, family have this weird notion that we need to get back to work because it’s ‘good for us’. I get it, sometimes our livelihoods are at stake, but I truly believe that we can still choose how we react to loss. For me, it was necessary to stop completely and recover. Other things I heard a lot from others were, people relating my grief to their own previous loss, down playing the loss “you were only 8 weeks pregnant” or a “you’re still young” comment, none of those were helpful or welcome.  

All people really want to hear when they’re grieving is simply “I’m here for you” and “let me know if you need anything”

The 6th stage of grief

Interestingly there is now a ‘new’ 6th stage of grief and it’s about Finding Meaning. When I had the miscarriage, my whole world crumbled. I lost my identity, I lost my love for my work, I lost my will to live life. It was a gradual process to re-engage with work. For a long time I hadn’t been earning money and whilst I had gone back to work, there was always an underlying feeling of something feeling off. Little by little I came back, a client would make me smile, someone would leave me a message on LinkedIn telling me I was missed, my friends would check in on me and slowly but surely I started feeling more comfortable, more like myself. But it really wasn’t until I headed out to the Linkedin Offices in Carpinteria in March to film my LinkedIn Learning Course that I really remembered why I did what I did. It made me feel alive! I felt the fire in my belly again that I had previously and just like that I found my way back to myself and my work. 

From Surviving to Thriving

Right now is a really tough time for many people, so it's a strange feeling when you feel like you are thriving and a large proportion of the world is just about surviving. But personally it's important to remind myself of the difficult journey of grief that I have been on for the past 12 months, and that it's OK to celebrate when life feels good again. I want to share with you all that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but give yourself all the time you need to get there. If there's one thing I've learnt is that the world can wait. Know that one day you will laugh again, one day you will smile again, one day you will feel joy again and one day you will love again. And whilst that may not be today, know that there is a future waiting for you when you are ready.

With love and care, 

#AuthenticAlex

If you like what you read please hit like, comment, share and subscribe to continue being notified of my online therapy journal. If you think this might be helpful for someone that you know please do share. The more we talk about mental health, the less of a stigma it has.

I’m going to be launching an online storytelling/write your story course that starts in June 2020, if this is something that you’re interested in please message me or share your interest in the comments to be notified of the launch mid-May.

About me: Hi I’m Alex, after experiencing a quarter-life crisis I decided to leave the corporate world and create my own definition of success. On the day I left that job I wrote a post that went viral on LinkedIn.

Since then I've been named LinkedIn Top Voice UK twice and have worked with companies such as Deloitte, Shell, Dyson, BP and Fiverr all through building my own Thought Leadership on LinkedIn

By day I help people grow their presence on LinkedIn, helping them find their sense of purpose and tell their own stories. By night I turn into a superhero keynote speaker and blogger under the hashtag #AuthenticAlex, knocking down one stigma at a time! 

I'm also the co-creator of #LinkedInLocal, the biggest hashtag campaign on LinkedIn that created offline communities in over 100 countries and 1,000 cities. 

You can follow more of my musings and antics here @imauthenticalex.