Lean into Your Challenges: The Key to Unlocking True Growth

Lean in to what troubles you

Whilst working with a client this week we've been initiating some new habits. A new daily routine to set him up to be at his best everyday. Designed so he can focus on who he is being.

When checking in I was heartened to see he’s really taken to it, he’s embraced the consistency and for habits like mindfulness and exercise consistency is a beast.?

But he told me that he was struggling to implement a new habit of daily reading. He was relaxed about it and said he’d get round to it. But I knew something deeper was going on. So I challenged him and asked him why he was avoiding it. First response was “I’m not, just got hooked on by a box set, I’ve finished it now”.?

I knew that was an excuse. So I asked him again, “why are you avoiding reading?" This time I got an honest answer and the limiting belief and the feeling it created was revealed. “I have to read everything three times for it to go in and it leaves me feeling frustrated and hopeless.” And so there we have it. It’s a problem with relaxation and concentration.?And he was avoiding feeling frustrated and hopeless.

And this week we will be leaning into that. He felt resistance so he made an excuse and didn’t do it. The excuse seemed reasonable enough, there was logic to it. But I knew the resistance was exactly where we needed to look.?

I knew there would be a self imposed limit to find and some feelings that he didn’t want. Now they have been revealed we can start working on them. I imagine that without me there to coach and challenge him more excuses would have been found to avoid the new daily habit.?

And it would not have happened. Do you recognise this pattern? I’d like to have more X in my life. I’m going to create some time for X. You feel resistance. I can't do X because of Y. Excuse formed. Habit not created. I’ve learnt that whatever I’m resisting is where I need to put my focus and attention. I will learn something about myself that I can change. And this is why I always have a coach, to help me spot the patterns, challenge the resistance and form the consistent habit.

How to be a Man

Danny Dyer’s documentary series started last week on Channel 4. I posted about it on Saturday, you can read that here: https://www.dhirubhai.net/posts/danglydecoach_own-who-the-fk-you-are-this-is-how-danny-activity-7187351504125657088-igZy?utm_source=share&utm_medium=member_desktop

I would recommend watching it. It highlighted a lot of things I was aware of already. That men are confused and a bit bewildered by the massive cultural change that has happened over the last few decades. They’re feeling attacked, discarded, ignored and like they don’t know what’s expected of them anymore.

Some men are clinging to an idea of what it means to be a man that comes from the previous century. And if they haven’t got that they really don’t know how to be a man anymore.

It's a troubling situation and we need to have a sensible discussion about it. So it doesn’t get hijacked and led by the likes of Andrew Tate. I love some of Tate’s message, about nonconformity, responsibility and personal empowerment. The rest of his message is dangerous, especially for young impressionable minds.??

He ended this week's episode in a pub in Brighton with a group of gay men. And he came to the conclusion that as men we need to ‘own who the f**k we are’ and for me he nailed it. This is what we need to do as men. Get very clear on who we are, what we stand for, what we really care about, what sort of world we want to see, and then to live it and own who the f**k we are.?

Know yourself and be yourself.?

I guess, maybe, perhaps, could be…..

The importance of words. Our language is so important. And especially how we frame how we speak about ourselves. When I’m working with a client I always have my ear out for noncommittal phrases like the ones above.?

For me they have an inbuilt excuse. Maybe I could… has already let you off the hook. I will, is a much better phrase and tells your mind that you’re committed. You’ve made it a priority. Our unconscious mind runs our life. Our conscious mind just doesn’t have the capacity. We are constantly feeding our unconscious mind with signals of what we want to prioritise.?

So be very careful what you say and how you say it because you’re programming your mind to create your reality. Your conscious mind will focus on what it thinks you want to see more of. So if you talk if’s but’s and maybe’s that’s what you will get.?

If you use a lot of negative talk, I’m bad at… I’m not the sort of person who… I can’t… that will become your reality. Pay attention to how you talk about yourself, to others and to yourself and see if you can spot some words that are noncommittal or outright negative. Then decide to use different words. Empowering words. Constructive words. Positive words.

I’m stuck…

I hear this a lot. A lot of men who book calls with me start with a conversation about why they are stuck. Financial responsibilities, relationship responsibilities, I have to…, I should… Working far too many hours and unable to find a way to do less. In a relationship they don’t want to be in and no idea how to get out of. They’d like better mental health but they have no idea where to start.

They’d like more time to do the things they love with the people they love but just can’t seem to find it. They want to contribute to the world but just don't know how.

Stuck. Stuck in a life they didn’t consciously create with no idea how to break free.

Many men I speak to have what some refer to as Mountaintop Syndrome. I have everything I ever wanted but I still feel like sh1t. They’ve followed society’s prescribed route to success. Successful career / profession / business, good salary and status, married, kids, nice house. And they’ve got all the ‘stuff’ that goes with it, luxury holidays, nice watch, designer suits, great motor, regular meals out. And they're thinking "is this it?" They’re not happy. And they feel unfulfilled and like their lives lack meaning.

Other men have a short fuse. They keep losing their temper too quickly and easily. Some bottle this up, some take it out on their nearest and dearest. Both are not a desired state. And they begin to blame their circumstances and other people. Unwittingly they’ve given up personal responsibility and they are disempowered because they believe something out of their control is causing their problems.??

If you're stuck, have mountaintop syndrome or a short fuse you're not proud of then I have great news. I have a Free Workshop over two evenings next week and I still have two places to fill.

Three Steps to Living on Purpose. It follows my simple three step coaching process which is designed specifically to deal with all of the above. If you’d like to fill one of the last spaces then drop me a DM to register your interest, get in quick though guys the places will be gone soon.

It’s time to say “f**K yes” to your future.

https://www.dhirubhai.net/events/freeworkshop-threestepstoliving7186378334522511360/

And another thing….

There’s a big difference between stress management and stress relief. One is a long term strategy for dealing with stress and recovery, the other is short term relief.?

Going for a run will relieve stress and make you feel better. But is it a good strategy for stress management? No. Running creates stress on your body, piling more stress on top of stress is not a good long term strategy to manage it.?

Yes you need to be in good physical shape to manage stress, and movement and exercise can be a solid part of a stress management strategy, but it will not work alone. You can only manage stress by turning your attention inward.?

To spot where you create unnecessary pressure on yourself. To find out which points of view, perspectives, views, opinions and/or beliefs are causing you stress. Because stress is not caused by what happens to you, or your circumstances, it is created by your thoughts about it.

Stress management is about recovery. We cannot avoid stress, and of course a certain amount of stress is good for us. But chronic stress kills. The hormones associated with stress like cortisol and adrenaline can be damaging if released into our system too often. Heart attacks and strokes are often caused by stress. So it is vital to have proper stress management in your life.?

If you’d like to talk more about how you could manage stress better drop me a DM and let’s have a chat.