Lean on me

I was having a conversation with a colleague the other day and we turned to the subject of dependence, independence and interdependence.

We tend to have a fairly stark way of thinking about these things: dependence = bad / independence = good. Perhaps it’s the American dream rubbing off on us – we should all be doing it for ourselves, succeeding on our own. Certainly, as a disabled child growing up in a world that viewed disability through a medical / charitable lens, independence was hailed as especially important. Better you put on your own socks, even if it took you an hour, than have someone help you. 

None of us, however, is independent. We all rely on others to do things for us. That’s what society is about. We are interdependent. The pandemic has shown us in glorious technicolour how interdependent we are. We depend on shops and supermarkets for food, highlighted by the problems with empty shelves and the lack of online delivery slots at the outset of the UK lockdown. We need the utility companies to keep providing water, electricity, communications – with our need for this last especially glaring in the last 6 months. Now, if we go out, we rely on each other to wear masks, maintain basic hygiene routines, and socially distance to keep us safe.

All too often, we don’t acknowledge our interdependence. We think we’re getting on and doing everything by ourselves. It is older and disabled people who are dependent, on social care provision and the help of others; sick people who are dependent, on the NHS and healthcare professionals; poor people who are dependent, on government handouts and, God forgive us, on food banks just to feed their children. And this dependence is generally viewed negatively.

Just for a moment, let’s reframe that. Our economic system is founded on interdependence. I work, you pay me. You make me a takeaway coffee, I pay you. You benefit, I benefit. Our wellbeing revolves around our interdependence. Recently released research on touch is evidence of that.

As an illustration from my personal experience, I employ half a dozen personal assistants. I depend on them for my physical well-being. Without them, I wouldn’t get out of bed in the morning, or back into it at night, or anything else in between that requires any level of strength or manual dexterity. Many would see that as something to be pitied by them, regretted by me. But we have positive and life-enhancing relationships of interdependence. They depend on me for the obvious things like paying the wages, fulfilling my duty of care and my health and safety obligations. But also, the less obvious. They care for my physical needs, I provide a listening ear, sometimes respite from a difficult home situation, a bit of advice. That’s interdependence.

I wondered, on reflection, what I should do differently as a leader if I take on board that we are all interdependent? I think it leads at the very least to respect and understanding. But not just respect for others – respect for myself as well, for what I bring to the relationship. My team depends on me, for direction, support, encouragement and guidance. But I also depend on my team – often for ‘my own’ business results. The reverse is true with my boss. And I am dependent on my peers too, as they are on me. If we recognise our universal interdependence, we may learn to value each other more fully, in all our diversity.