Leading a team as a chronic people pleaser.

I never thought I was a people-pleaser.

Growing up as the scapegoat child, the rebel, the outcast... I certainly had no issue telling people to f*ck off, and do my own thing, despite what others thought of me.

At least, that's how I always viewed myself to be. Perhaps it was only that way with my immediate family (ironically), as we all know the disease of people pleasing starts in childhood, inside our home.

I've been stuck for the past 2 years in business.

I was routinely frustrated with things not working better, employees not performing better, and my revenue lines plateauing since March 2020, when Covid blessed all of us digital marketers.

(and I really mean blessed - if you do digital marketing and still couldn't make it in 2020, you never will.)

I ran away from my business at all costs. Just so triggered by any real confrontation.

Back then, I didn't even realize what I was afraid of. I just thought I "didn't like marketing and wanted to do something else" - I just thought work was boring or something. I just thought life was more fun when escaping, and often times would ditch the work day early, to pack a bowl and go get high by my pool.

The good news is - being a seasoned content creator and knowing how to work the newsfeed, I was actually doing just fine revenue-wise, because I was consistently drawing new clients in who were curious to learn "how to content" - to attract clients, just like I was.

It wasn't until about a year later, in early 2021, when I really started to notice I had a problem.

Like, a big problem.

I was terrified of disappointing my employees.

I know - maybe a healthy fear. After all, the best leaders and parents are the ones strong enough to at least pause and even CONSIDER,

"Hey, am I being a d*ck?"

Doesn't mean you are, it means you want that balance between hard work, accountability, and also generosity & care for your staff.

A place people feel comfortable to work at.

I remember a call I had with a healer in early 2021 - I was breaking through and realizing some things, I said to her,

"I just feel so guilty about my employees!"

"What do you feel guilty about though?" She asked.

"Idk... I just feel like I'm not doing enough and they're all working so hard."

Looking back - this was not necessarily the case. I was in my zone of genius, pulling people into the storefront, and they were in hindsight doing what they could to run the backend... but there was hardly any innovation, management, and accountability going on on my end.

I just always feared if I held them accountable or told them what I really wanted,

they'd leave.

& oh do the abandonment wounds from childhood continue to show up in places we never expected...!

As adults.

And even worse,

as business owners.

I was so riddled with guilt and couldn't connect the dots. Couldn't quite yet see my own power and position to get it together and realize, "Shay, they work for you! You should tell them what to do... you PAY them!"

Haha, no.

I felt like I was a burden to them all.

The healer (not knowing this - and not so "intuitive & psychic" after all...) says to me,

"Why don't you give everyone a raise?"

"A raise?" I asked.

"Yes! Can you do that?"

"I mean, I suppose I could..."

Yeah - go give everyone a raise! That will make you feel better!

Haha - WRONG!

This action made me feel worse.

Of course, I now realize the real thing that was eating me alive, was not that I wasn't paying them enough. In fact - my salaries (as my accountant put it) were "very generous" already.

The thing that was eating me alive,

was people pleasing.

The real core of the issue was my inability to stand up for myself, to demand outcomes, to set deadlines, and most importantly (as all business owners must learn...)

to Hold. People. Accountable.

I just couldn't do it.

So often employees would mess up, miss calls with clients, never follow through on what I asked, and I literally just took it.

Too afraid to stand up for myself and too scared they would abandon me if I did.

The classic, "Well... I have to keep them happy otherwise they'll leave... because this is as good as I can get..? right?"

and swap that belief for any toxic relationship we've all found ourselves in a time or two as well... all due to this deep, deep fear...

of abandonment.

I'd say my company culture around this time was all about "fun."

Hey... I kinda wanna do this. Can you do it? I mean, if you get it done cool, if not no big deal... just have fun!

I'm a cool boss, remember?

You like me, remember?

Working here is easy, remember?

Please just don't ever leave!

I was so much more concerned back then with being liked and having a "family" in my staff. Something I was, and largely still am, missing in my real life.

I replaced one toxic group dynamic for another,

my business.

& boy did that cause it to suffer!

Not being able to hold people accountable and be a real boss began to painfully eat away at me. And the worst part was - it took years of being in pain and suffering before I really even knew what the core problem was, and what I needed to fix.

I hired business coach after business coach and of course, it was always in vain, because my energy of needing to be liked hadn't changed.

All the tactics and business courses in the world won't help you if you have this problem.

Really, it was a part of me dying a slow, slow death, where the people pleaser in me was attempting to be recognized. Hence the guilt, the escapism, and the constant running away to smoke weed rather than face my own business.

Lol - so funny looking back.

I've been an employee, and a great one! I definitely remember being told what to do, being warned, deadlined, and put in my place a time or two.

I respected those bosses. And I wanted my paycheck.

I get it.

But oddly enough, for so long...

I think I was more scared of my employees than they were of me.

I would throw money at my problems like it was nobody's business. (okay well, it was my business. And several dollars I'll never see again!)

But seriously,

in addition to overpaying people, giving everyone raises when it wasn't warranted, I blew through so much money paying for company trips, outings, and was overall even in my personal life just kinda that friend who always "covered the bill" (partially because I wanted to be cool and admired, but partially because I was hanging with Miami Spiritual Junkies at the time who were largely broke AF #AscensionTho )

I even hired this guy I was dating once for $10k/month and looking back, I literally can't even remember what he did... go through my emails and sort them for me?

F*ck me?

Jeez.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

That was one hell of a gig that guy had going! Gotta hand it to some of these dudes out here, seriously.

Well done. ??

But,

that's for another novel.

In the end, my quest to be a "cool boss" with a "fun company culture" just ended up with no one respecting me - and many went off to do their own thing.

The guilt I had always felt for my employees was a manifestation of having to give so much to receive love growing up, so it just felt "off" that things were coming so easily to me as an adult...

the last thing I wanted to do was jeopardize, or risk losing it all by holding people accountable, and telling them what to do. Yet- as time went on in my company, this only resulted in more and more pressure being put on ME, which just simply wasn't possible anymore.

The irony is that my fear that holding people accountable would result in losing everything, was the furthest thing from the truth.

Not holding people accountable is what hurt me the most.

My burnout and exhaustion was the result of the people-pleaser in me no longer being of use.

That method for keeping me safe expired a long time ago,

and it had to go.

Something about the events of this past year, turning 30, being at a crossroads in my business...

something flipped in me.

I suddenly started asking for what I really need, and being honest with myself about it.

I cannot explain the BIZARRE experience it is to suddenly wake up one morning with this ability. It literally feels like I'm in someone else's body. I guess mine...

my adult body?

Oh my it all happened so sudden.

Perhaps the gift of being stuck for so long, in my case, literally years, is that when you finally do break through...

you level up fast.

It's been a combo of embracing and enjoying this new energy of being able to ask for what I need, actually able to command, expect, have boundaries...

and a sigh of relief that I FINALLY SEE AND ACKNOWLEDGE WHAT HELD ME BACK ALL THESE YEARS!!

Chronic. F*cking. People Pleasing.

Just wow.

I honestly just look back and laugh at it all now, no regrets. No more hopeless feeling of being stuck forever and I'm just doomed to some place of stagnation and guilt in my body that will never go away.

Nope!

I get it now.

I got it.

Of course, there's work to be done and there's soldiers to attract.

But I'm getting there.

Nothing like waking up and actually wanting to work, being excited to grow my company, because that fear of rejection and habit to please is slowly drifting away.

No more guilt associated with wanting to work, lead, and scale.

And really,

when you have clear expectations of what's needed, what's expected, and clearly communicate and lay it all out for your team -

hiring & firing gets real easy.

Job = X. Money = Y

Don't do X?

Don't get Y.

& I will happily go find someone who will.

Pretty simple.

I don't need to be your friend, I don't need to tiptoe around your insecurities,

and I don't even need you to like me.

I just need someone I can rely on to get this job done, so I can take the pressure off of my back, focus on doing what I do best, and take care of my clients.

What a relief to be on the other side of this problem.

(and I do think my higher self telling me to quit weed that day, had a huge role in getting me to this level of healing as well.)

There's one more thing that's key to all of this-

letting go of the need to people please, to be liked, and to keep everyone on my team's job "fun & easy!"...

has resulted in this new persona that can actually align to a greater purpose.

Someone who is strong enough now to actually enroll others in my mission, and have it respected.

I think that's what I was missing before, authentic goals.

Benchmarks.

Milestones.

Of course I was! I mean, how could I ever even set these and begin to achieve them, if I didn't believe it was possible people would stick around to help me?

You need people to help you, but you can't rely on them to figure it all out for you, either.

You do have to tell them what to do, and you have to be mature enough to deal with the consequences, when they don't.

& that my friend -

is being a boss.

#Shayshine ??

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