Leading people isn’t for me.

When leading feels de-energising.

All bosses feel the pressure to make sure their team is engaged.

Somewhere along the way, many leaders can forget why people are following them in the first place: to get exposure to higher standards. ___________________________________________________________

“I don’t know how to talk about this bit: I really hated leading people.”

These were the words of a client, sharing a laundry list of reasons why managing people was not for her.

Oh, could I relate.

For years, I had the title of a leader, but I found it exhausting.

I couldn’t really figure out why. Until, I asked myself one question:

What work relationships have worked for me best and why?

I wrote down what I was craving in my work relationships. It outlined to me what was missing for me to feel really pumped and energised.

What was missing?

A dynamic that bought the best out of me.

I realised I had been defaulting to my team members’ preferred style. I’d forgotten what actually suited me, what gave me energy and enabled me to sprinkle my ‘secret sauce’, somewhere along the way.

By clarifying what I was craving more of, and less of, I was able to see a dynamic that suited my personality. One that energised me and inspired me.

Time for a new dynamic.

I was gifted an opportunity to create a new dynamic when the time came to recruit.

I had a fresh chance to create the dynamic that really met my needs, from the outset.

To prepare, I started documenting what needed to be possible, for working with me to be successful.

Instead of feeling I was bending too much to meet other people's preferences, I had a confidence-shift moment where I realised, if it doesn’t work for me, work doesn’t work.

It completely flipped the script for me.

When we bend too much, we lose ourselves.

I realised, I had bent too far out of my ‘Rachel Secret Sauce’. I’d forgotten to focus on my superpowers.

In this process, it was helpful to ask myself what helped me feel pride in my work.

I started to use that as the lens, to create a ‘reverse brief’:

• What dynamic will allow me to feel pride in my work?
• What mindset do I have that enables me to do my best work?
• What energy do I bring that clients tell me is what they value most?

By doing this, I was creating a list of entry-level mindset requirements to be successful with me.

Not a nice to have. A need to have.

I’d never thought about creating a brief for working with me before.

What was missing in the past was that my team didn’t know how to be successful with me. Without thinking, I’d created an environment hoping they’d guess and feeling frustrated when they didn’t meet my uncommunicated expectations. (Sorry!).

When I wrote this list, I finally started to feel confident that not only was I getting to know myself a bit better, but by creating this expectation guide, I’d actually be taking away the guesswork from them.

That’s the thing, the higher up you go. You forget that people want to impress you. So, by telling them how, early, you’re helping everyone relax.

What do I need for this to go well?

In previous newsletters, I’ve written about the mindset of asking yourself, ‘how could this be a yes, how could this go well?’

This exercise is one of those tangible examples. You don’t need to be a leader to create this list, it’s an incredibly powerful tool to use at any stage of your career, but specifically for working with other people.

I realised I had never asked for what I needed for this to go well.

I’d been so busy leading with my insecurities (Do they like me? Will they fail?), that I’d forgotten to lead with my hopes for what an amazing dynamic could look like.

It felt like, for the first time being a boss, I was facing a different direction.

I started asking myself a different question: what is non-negotiable for me, to show up like the person I want to be at work?

Ironically, once I removed the pressure of being someone’s ‘boss’, I realised I could be an awesome, inspiring boss, with high standards others were motivated by when I focussed on what I needed to show up like the pro at work.

Applying this to work.

A practical tool I teach is my SBCR Leadership Model. It stands for Systems, Behaviours, Communication and Relationships. Thinking of your team dynamic as these four elements, interlinking, helps you see how you can literally create any culture you want, on purpose.

You’re really asking:

What systems, behaviours, communication and relationships will give me the result I want?

Here are some of mine:

• System: Push reporting. Instead of leading the WIP meeting, get your team member to ‘push’ WIP and results to you in a regular meeting.?Your team get into the habit of presenting once a week to you which is great for their visibility, and you get transparency about what their focus is (and can feedback or delegate accordingly). It’s also a bit of a calibration session too, to see what you’ve delegated played back to you: too many priorities? Unclear instructions? Your team member can let you know.
• Communication: Two-way feedback, every time we talk. Feedback is directive (please do) and appreciative (thank you). If you create an environment where people are used to getting feedback in most conversations, both appreciative and directive, feedback doesn’t become this big, scary thing. It’s a normal part of working (at your company). It’s good for you too, as you show your team how to give feedback to you. It also means when your stakeholders have feedback for you, you can stay calm knowing there’s gold in there, because you’re used to getting feedback.
• Relationships: Every client is a client for life. We have a mantra which is every client is a client for life. This means someone doesn’t need to spend money with us to get our time. If we accept that people who invest with us, do so when they trust us, feel our perspective matches theirs and have seen evidence we are doing sound, evidence-based work, we also accept that it isn't a one-time conversation. That’s a relationship, over a lifetime. Commercially, we’re creating a pipeline of long-term business, and personally, we’re creating a set of values-aligned clients who know they can pick up the phone, anytime, without fear of being charged for talking to us for 15 minutes. It moves us away from transactional work to relational work. It also means, when we talk about numbers with a client, there’s a clear scope, or container around it.

The win is really giving first.

Studies discovered that those who give first, are, during negotiations, more successful. Why? The successful negotiators cared as much about the other person's goals and needs as much as their own.

Wouldn’t it be cool if we started thinking about how people could be successful with us, as our ‘give first’ in a new relationship?

Imagine if people knew what working with you would really be like, ahead of time. They can opt in if it’s appealing to work with you and opt out if it isn’t.

If you’re already in an established dynamic, imagine if you gave yourself a chance to reflect and ask yourself, ‘if this dynamic would work for me, how would it work?’

If this is tricky, inversion thinking might be for you.

Inversion thinking asks us to look at a problem by inverting the problem statement. For example, instead of thinking ‘how could this work for me?’, you can ask yourself the inverse: ‘how can I continue to have a sub-par relationship in this dynamic?’

You’re really asking, ‘what can I continue to do to contribute to this problem I have?’ I’ve used this thinking alot to trick myself into going to the gym, and drink a little less coffee.

For example, instead of ‘how can I wear more of my custom suits?’, I’ve started to ask myself, ‘how can I stay mad that I can’t fit them?’ That gets me to the stairmaster faster than you can say Renaissance.

Inversion thinking has helped plenty of my analytical clients who like to approach problems with a critical thinking framework take action.

We don’t have to hope people will do what we want.

We can create an environment where it’s clear to them what we want, and if it’s not for them, we both know that early.

It’s a completely different experience.

If you’re a leader, and you’d love to redefine the dynamic at work, get in touch, today.

Go well,

Rachel and the team at Happiness Concierge.