Leading from Chaos

You’re heading into a difficult conversation. One of your employees has decided to quit on you, even though you’ve set up agreements to work through this, and even though you’re only halfway through the work that you had mutually agreed would be done.

You’ve been thinking about it for most of the weekend, researching your agreement, thinking about your response. You’ve been playing out the conversation in your head for a while. You actually kind of love this part — it’s what’s made you such an effective advocate, lawyer, and stand for the change you want to create in the face of resistance. You thrive in this kind of argument.

You and I are scheduled to have a conversation at the start of your day, before you talk with this employee. You start off by jumping into sharing everything you’ve been compiling over the last few days.

You share the conversation you imagine will go back and forth, what you anticipate your employee's predictable responses will be, and share how you’ll respond to them. You share how you’re going to use various techniques, like the “shit sandwich” to ensure that he understands you appreciate him, and that he still has to get the job done.

I listen and nod, acknowledging what you’re sharing. As I do so, I find myself marveling at the speed at which your brain works. You’ve put together an awful lot over the last two days.

Eventually, you finish speaking and take a breath. Then you ask me if I see anything for you.

"I notice two things”, I say, “First, this guy seems pretty screwed. And second, you seem pretty attached to how this goes”.

I don’t say much else, because I want to get out of your way and let you be with the reflection. You think about it in silence for a while, before putting it on loudspeaker.

“Well, I mean, I suppose he is. He’s breaking this agreement. This is exactly why we created the agreement, this is exactly what this is for… He has to finish, it’s just a matter of helping him to see that”. (I’m sure that will occur as very helpful to him).

It occurs to me in this moment that you’re more interested in bending the employee to your will (even if that will is consistent with your agreement), than supporting your employee to step more deeply into their leadership (which may or may not include honoring the commitments they make in their life).

So I share that with you.

“Is that what you’re going for?”

You acknowledge that it isn’t, and that your chief aim here is always to develop more leadership.

“But how do I do that while making sure that things go smoothly?”

I acknowledge that you probably can’t, and as we take a look at what’s playing out here, you can see that your desire to control your employee is really an attempt to avoid the chaos that comes from developing someone’s leadership (including your own).

“What do you think is really going on here for your employee?”

You answer pretty quickly, based on the database you’ve compiled over the last weekend.

I can see that that answer was already locked and loaded in the chamber, ready to be fired as soon as I ask that question, so I pause and let it land.

I know I have a different question to ask you, but I first need to model what I’m inviting you to practice, so I sit and check out what’s going on over there with you.

When I slow down and pause, it seems scary. Frustrating too, but underneath the frustration, it feels like fear. So I just let some silence expand between us and feel into that fear. I put myself in your situation: a tight deadline, team members that seem to leave the team when you most need them, yet another person not honoring their commitment. What is all of that saying about you? The fear and the ensuing frustration make a lot of sense.

When I put my awareness “around you”, so to speak, I feel frustrated and scared on your behalf.

And then I invite you to do the same.

“If you let go of how you feel about this, why do you think this employee, that you chose because of who they were, would be showing up this way? What would have a committed person flake out and break their commitments?”.

And as you sit and get present with that person, you start to soften in everything you’ve been right about. You let go of your insistence on the wording of the contract, and you can see that pointing to that is likely to drive your employee’s defensiveness up even further.

As you let go of defending your own stance, you can start to get over there with your employee, and see this as an opportunity for partnership. And from that place, perhaps an opportunity for leadership.

"What’s next, from here?”, I ask you.

“I’m not sure…”, you respond, “I think that’s the point. I’m going to go and talk to them and figure that out in partnership with them”.

I acknowledge you for the work you’re doing, and share how lucky I think your employee is to have a leader like you.