Leading with Empathy

When we think about the qualities of a strong leader, several words naturally come to mind: Vision, conviction, drive, ambition, and...empathy?

While traditionally viewed as a feminine trait—a weakness, even—empathy has now emerged as a critical business strength, and a requirement to succeed as a great leader. Sure, there are some really great minds out there, great thinkers who are renowned for what they do, but without empathy, they’re not great leaders.

Great leaders know when to lean someone into their strengths, and when to help alleviate or manage their challenges. And that requires an understanding of where that person is coming from. That requires empathy.

So, it feels appropriate to consider empathy, a “feminine” quality that has become a prerequisite for success...even in what some may call a “masculine” world. In fact, I call empathy my superpower, and I say that with sincerity and pride. But it was only after learning to apply discipline to my empathy that it became a strength.

Finding your superpower

Like many people, I first saw empathy in my mother, but it wasn’t until recently that I put my finger on it. When I asked her about it, she said, “I just have that face. People want to tell me their life story.” But in reality, she exudes an openness and acceptance that allows other people to trust her.

When I had my first child, I saw it again, watching my daughter as an infant crawling towards another child she realized was in distress. She was like the “room therapist” for the babies. Even so young, months away from talking, she would come over and try to get me to help. It was then that a light went off; I realized that this empathetic tendency hadn’t skipped a generation. I had always noticed that I was fueled by, intrigued by—or distracted by—other people’s energy. I just couldn’t pin it down until I saw it in my own child, and had the realization that this was something I was born with.

Even after I identified that powerful feeling, I couldn’t seem to find a way to use empathy to my advantage. I found myself soaking up other people’s problems. In my day-to-day interactions, it actually felt like a weakness because it was very distracting. At times, I found myself focusing on how someone else was feeling rather than the task at hand. But over time, and through the influence of my executive coach, Kimberly Welsch, I learned how to turn empathy from a distraction to a superpower: by practicing neutrality. You learn to stay neutral, versus reacting to everything that’s coming your way and being, frankly, a slave to your own superpower. You acknowledge what’s being thrown at you, but then you leave it as a data point, and wait to react at the right time. It’s not about turning off your empathy. It’s about embracing empathy, and then actively shifting to the neutral position.

In the end, I’ve found this empathetic tendency, this desire to understand others, to be absolutely essential to becoming the kind of leader I want to be.

Leading with empathy

Once you can understand what’s going on with someone in their whole life—not just what they’re accomplishing as an employee—then you can really understand the motivations and decisions they’re making in their business life.

That’s really where the “whole person” concept comes from at Eventbrite; it’s a commitment to honoring people as a whole. By understanding the full picture, you’re able to know where someone is coming from, and you’re able to meet them in the middle. As a leader, you’re able to coach them, and know when to give them a push, and when to encourage them to take some time off.

Building this type of openness and trust is absolutely vital to building a lasting business. If I were to say where I ultimately want to end up as a leader, it would be that I embodied empathetic leadership. That I had the ability to build an insurmountable amount of trust in a company, where people knew that no matter what the day looked like, I was always going to be rock solid for them. And that my motivations lie in wanting to see this team succeed—as individuals and as a community.

Hacking empathy

So, I encourage everyone, especially those who aspire to lead, to care about the whole person, and be curious about what’s motivating them. For example, if I know that someone’s motivated by feeling validated and useful, I make sure to give them positive feedback to help them perform at their best. I try to make sure that I’m monitoring that in a way that’s helpful, without policing them. I’ve found that everyone has their own set of faults and strengths.

Challenge yourself to look at situations from someone else’s point of view, and really step into their shoes. Because when you really think you’re right about something, the human tendency is to stop caring what the other person thinks. You just have your message, and you need to get it out. But your message won’t go anywhere if you’re not considering where the other person is coming from.

The key to all this, to being a great leader, is embracing empathy—and learning how to turn it into a superpower by practicing neutrality. You’d be amazed at what’s possible when you make an effort to understand where others are coming from; when you tap into what motivates and inspires them, inside and outside of the office. Just be sure you’re able to neutralize what you pick up, set it aside, and maintain focus. It’s leaning into empathy, and then learning to channel it, that truly sets great leaders apart.