Leading with Compassion

Balancing Self-Care and Helping Others

As leaders, we often find ourselves in a paradox, feeling compelled to help everyone around us even at the expense of our own well-being. This drive to assist, guide, and support is noble and deeply embedded in many of us. But what happens when helping others comes at the detriment of our own health, energy, and focus?

The metaphor of ‘putting on your own life jacket first’ is one we’ve all heard, yet many of us struggle to put it into practice. We may get so wrapped up in solving everyone else’s problems that we lose sight of our own needs. This blog explores how we can balance the innate desire to help others with the critical necessity of self-care, grounding ourselves in order to lead effectively, and creating the psychological safety necessary for ourselves and others to thrive.

The Cost of Helping Others at Your Own Expense

Leadership often comes with an unspoken expectation that you will help everyone around you, no matter what. This expectation can stem from a desire to prove ourselves or from a genuine sense of responsibility to those we lead. However, constantly pouring ourselves out for others without replenishing can very quickly lead to burnout, stress, and emotional exhaustion. We may lose clarity and become overwhelmed, which can cause us to make decisions based solely on emotion rather than fact.

Leaders often mask their own needs to appear strong, invulnerable, or capable. While this mask might help in the short term, it ultimately erodes our capacity to lead effectively. The truth is that leadership is not about being bulletproof, it’s about being human, and that includes recognising when we need to take care of ourselves first.

To give a contextual example of this in my own leadership journey. In the early days of Andy’s Man Club, I found myself grappling with the same challenge many leaders face. Helping others at the detriment of my own well-being. I was deeply invested in driving the club forward, knowing how vital it was to create a space for men to talk, share, and support each other. I could literally see the ‘vision’ of what I wanted to create here, and in my commitment to the cause, I unknowingly set an unsustainable pace for myself. Much of the pressure and demands I felt came from within. I desperately wanted the club to succeed, and I believed that the only way to ensure that was to push harder, network better, work longer, and give more of myself.

There was a profound sense of purpose in the work the team were doing, but I began to realise that the more I poured into the club, the less I had left for myself and my family time. I was helping others at the expense of my own well-being, a cycle that can be all too easy to fall into when you care deeply about a cause, especially when that reflects in to a hyper-focus wave, which as many of you will know is not a sustainable entity!

It was difficult to admit that while I was offering a lifeline to others, I was neglecting my own need for support and space to recharge.

It became clear that if I continued down this path, I would eventually burn out, potentially leaving me unable to contribute to the very thing I was so passionate about. It was then that I had to reflect on my approach. This was that if I was to continue helping others, I needed to find a balance. The lesson I learned was that sustainable leadership requires pacing yourself, recognising when you need to step back, and allowing others to share the load.

This wasn’t easy for me. It meant being vulnerable enough to admit that I couldn’t do everything on my own and actually allowing myself to rely on the team around me. It meant putting on my own life jacket first, something that felt counterintuitive in a space where others were coming to me for support. But, as I came to realise, you cannot lead effectively if you are running on empty. To be the leader the Club needed, I had to take care of my own well-being first, and that’s a lesson I continue to carry with me in every leadership role I take on.

Putting on Your Own Life Jacket First

The phrase “put on your own life jacket first” is a strong reminder that you can’t help others if you’re drowning yourself. Yet, it’s not always easy to recognise when you’re starting to slip underwater. We all need to check in with ourselves, reflecting on whether we’ve created enough space for our own well-being. Self-care is not selfish. In reality, it is essential for the sustained ability to lead and serve others. When we allow ourselves the time to pause, reflect, and replenish, we create the foundation for a more resilient leadership.

In my leadership journey, I’ve found it essential to create time and space for self-reflection. It’s not enough to be constantly on the go, reacting to every crisis or request. Instead, I’ve learned the value of pausing, taking a breath, and grounding myself before making decisions. Grounding is about making space to assess whether you’re acting out of emotion or from a place of calm and clarity. Recognising this is key to responding effectively and not just reacting impulsively.

When we lead from a grounded place, we are better able to make decisions that benefit everyone, including ourselves. Taking a moment to step back, check in with ourselves, and ensure we’re approaching challenges from a place of fact, rather than emotion helps to create a steady foundation for leadership.

Creating a Culture of Honesty and Safety

One of the greatest gifts a leader can offer is creating an honest culture built on psychological safety and trust. This is easier said than done, especially in environments where competition, rather than compassion, is the norm. Yet, building trust within your team is essential. Without trust, people are left second-guessing each other’s motives and decisions, leading to friction, confusion, and a lack of collaboration.

The antidote to this is fostering an environment where people feel safe to express themselves, to be honest about their challenges, and to ask for help without fear of judgment. I have found that psychological safety is often a byproduct of trust. The trust that your colleagues and team members are acting from a place of compassion, not competition.

However, trust absolutely doesn’t mean blind agreement. Sometimes, as leaders, we need to challenge ourselves and others to question whether actions are being driven by competition, fear, or ego, rather than a genuine desire to support and uplift. If no trust exists in the team, it’s worth exploring whether this stems from a lack of psychological safety or if competitive dynamics are at play. Reflecting on these elements can help us recalibrate and bring the team back to a compassionate, collaborative place.

Relying on Your Team for Grounding

No leader can succeed in isolation. We all need people who can call us out when we’re pushing ourselves too hard or straying from our values. I believe in the importance of having a trusted circle. Having a core of people who have permission to bring you back in when you’re getting too absorbed in helping others and neglecting yourself. This circle acts as a mirror, showing you the moments when you need to stop and put your own life jacket on.

Giving others the explicit permission to remind you to focus on your well-being is a critical step in leadership. It’s about allowing vulnerability and honesty to permeate your relationships with your team, colleagues, or peers. The people around you can help bring you back to centre when you’ve lost your way. They can remind you that it’s okay, (and indeed very necessary) to prioritise your own health and happiness in order to be the best leader you can be.

Recognising Emotional Drivers - Paul Gilbert’s Model

In any situation, leaders operate from one of three emotional systems, described by psychologist Paul Gilbert: the threat system, the drive system, and the soothe system.

Understanding these systems and learning to recognise them in ourselves is a powerful tool to staying grounded.

Threat System: This is our body’s alarm system, activated when we perceive danger or risk. It could be a fear of failure, rejection, or criticism. When in the threat system, we often react defensively, sometimes impulsively, and tend to operate from a place of fear. This might manifest in avoidance, aggression, or excessive control. Gilbert points out that while the threat system is vital for survival, staying in this state too long can lead to anxiety, stress, and poor decision-making.        

Drive System: This system fuels our motivation and ambition. It pushes us towards achievement, success, and reward. While operating in the drive system, we often feel energised and focused. However, when drive becomes all-consuming, it can lead to an unhealthy obsession with productivity and outcomes, causing burnout or strained relationships. Gilbert emphasises that while drive is essential, it must be balanced with the other emotional systems to prevent it from becoming overpowering.        

Soothe System: The soothe system is what balances out the intensity of the threat and drive systems. It is characterised by feelings of contentment, safety, and calm. In the soothe system, we are able to pause, reflect, and recharge. This state allows us to make more thoughtful, compassionate decisions and foster positive relationships with those around us. Gilbert explains that regularly tapping into the soothe system is essential for mental health and well-being, and leaders who can access this system are better equipped to manage stress, avoid burnout, and cultivate a nurturing environment.        

Leaders should check in with themselves regularly to assess which emotional system they are operating from.

Am I making decisions from a place of threat, reacting defensively to a challenge? Or am I in drive mode, relentlessly pushing myself toward a goal without pausing to reflect?

By generating awareness of these emotional systems, we can consciously shift into the soothe state when necessary and lead from a place of calm and clarity.

Tapping into the Soothe System

To move from threat or drive to soothe, leaders need to develop visible reminders and routines that help them shift gears. This could be as simple as taking a walk, practicing mindfulness, or engaging in a short reflection at the beginning or end of the day.

Leaders can also cultivate a soothing environment by fostering a culture that promotes psychological safety, self-care, and open communication. Having visible reminders, such as notes, photos, or symbols of calmness and clarity, can help bring leaders back into the soothe state when stress threatens to overwhelm.

The Power of Visible Reminders

Visible reminders act as anchors to bring us back to the present and remind us of our commitment to self-care and grounded leadership. Whether it’s a note on your desk that says, “Pause,” a photo of a familiar place, or a small object that represents balance, these reminders can serve as triggers to check in with yourself and ask:

Am I grounded?

Am I making decisions from a place of calm?

Implementing these small practices can help leaders stay connected to their well-being, ensuring that they don’t lose themselves in the process of helping others.

Leadership with Balance

Leadership is about more than just helping others, it’s about finding balance. It’s about recognising that in order to be effective, you must care for yourself first. By grounding yourself, fostering an honest and compassionate culture, and staying attuned to your emotional systems, you can lead with clarity and purpose.

At the heart of this is the belief that leadership is a shared responsibility. While you may be the person others look to for guidance, you, too, must look to others for grounding and support. By giving your trusted team permission to remind you to take care of yourself, you ensure that you are leading from a place of strength, clarity, and well-being.

So, the next time you’re tempted to help everyone at the detriment of yourself, remember: put on your own life jacket first.