Leadership Starts with Getting Dressed

Do you know those coffee or breakfast cereal commercials that feature a smiling family getting up a hanging out in the kitchen while the sun streams through the windows? Everything is neat and clean and they are savoring the start of the day. That is not our house. Our Sunday mornings always end up in a chaotic rush. We cook breakfast but I guarantee that someone won’t like the eggs and will insist on oatmeal, but not before arguing the merits of orange juice over water. Picking out clothes is a whirlwind of activity. We abandon all hope of cleaning up the kitchen and then start the scavenger hunt for shoes. Church always starts at the same time but it still catches us by surprise when it is time to load into the van. A deep breath and a short ten minute ride later, we roll into the parking lot and appear to all the world like we have it together. Little do they know…

This past weekend was typical – a lengthy process of feeding the kids, getting dressed (or so I thought), and tumbling into and out of the van. I liken that process to keeping lightning bugs in a jar. You have to shut the doors at just the right time to prevent an escape. We parked the car and my wife and older kids went ahead to secure our seats, leaving me to unbuckle my two year old daughter. She hopped out her seat and put her hands in the air as I reached in to pick her up. With a wide grin and sparkling blue eyes fixed on me, she declared, “Daddy, I no have underpants!”

Shocked, I played that back slowly.

I.

No.

Have.

Underpants.

It is possible to prepare for many things as a parent. There are entire libraries of books, endless blog posts, and plenty of magazines dedicated to the joys and trials of parenting. Exactly none of them address this situation. In the hustle and bustle that went with getting ready, I had failed to check for underpants. Though I have to admit, I usually settle for having the right number of people in the van and just assume that they are clothed – if not properly, then at least completely. I was flustered and frustrated.

Since I have two other kids, I thought I had all of this down. Diaper changes in a parking lot? No problem. Accidental spills? I’ve got your back. Hungry and throwing a fit? I know where the snacks are hidden. But pantless in church? We were blazing a new trail. Nothing even close to this happens in our adult lives. Well, actually, a colleague once forgot his trousers on a business trip and had to borrow some from someone else – but that’s a different post.

Fortunately, my daughter had chosen her dress wisely. It was modest enough that we could have gotten by, but not wanting to risk mooning Jesus, we decided that action was necessary. Why couldn’t we have a smooth morning just ONCE?

Like any good Dad, I knew there was only one thing to do: ask Mom.

I eased into the pew with my family, holding my daughter closely with her dress pulled tightly around her, and whispered the update. My wife laughed and the kids snickered. I hoped the nice families around us couldn’t hear me. My wife said, “emergency underpants are in a bag in the back.”

Emergency underpants, you ask? Yes. Emergency underpants. My wife thinks of everything and without her, I would be a disorganized wreck. Exiting through the side door to head back to the parking lot, I said a short prayer of thanksgiving. The emergency bag was there and we were back in our seats as the processional hymn wound down. All was well and I spent the rest of the time analyzing the events of the morning.

As I tend to do, I tried to find some nugget in that experience that could help me be a better parent or person. Then I realized that my daughter taught me an important leadership lesson: no matter how much preparation or planning you have, something is going to go off script in a way that you didn’t even know you needed to care about.

So much (good) content about leadership focuses on improving your planning, preparation, communication skills, interpersonal skills, and the like. All that is great, but your mettle is tested when things go wrong – things that you never would have imagined or anticipated because they seem so obvious to you. Those are the real risks in your project or the threats in your SWOT. You can train teams, communicate, plan, inspire, coach and mentor all you like but something is going to happen that you did not want. Something that you KNOW you advised against or gave someone a heads up about.

Then what do you do?

I could have gotten mad at my daughter and reminded her that she has, in fact, been taught how to dress. I could have reminded her that getting completely dressed is a behavior that is modeled for her every day, that we coach her through picking the right clothes for a given activity, or that her sister is more than happy to help pick outfits. In other words, she’s had the training and been given the resources to remember her underwear. But none of that mattered.

None of that mattered because she doesn’t have the accumulated experience necessary to understand WHY she needs to do what she’s told. She’s only two years old, folks. As Elsa says, sometimes you just need to let it go.

My lesson learned from the whole incident is that if we hope to lead, we must be able to give ourselves permission to make mistakes and accept that those in our charge won’t heed advice from our hard-won experience. We need to recognize that everyone is on his or her own journey and we can help them along, but none of us can completely prevent others from making mistakes. We cannot ensure a positive outcome by ourselves when we need to rely on groups of people to execute. We can, however, recognize that mistakes are just mistakes, especially when someone is doing something new. Mistakes are not a reflection of the worth of a person or their commitment to a task – they are a natural part of the learning process. And we are all learning.

Bottom line – stay focused on the big goals and manage the serious risks, but be ready to forgive yourselves and others for the inevitable small stuff.

I’ll admit – this is really hard for me. I get flustered when something that seems simple and straightforward gets overlooked or forgotten. I get antsy when we get off schedule and anxious when we can’t follow the plan that I have clear in my head. But I’m trying to improve and I have my little girl to thank for another important lesson.

What stories do YOU have about someone forgetting something obvious? How did you handle it on your teams?