Leadership Series 8 - Are You Leading with Love?

As I mentioned in my last article, every time I understand life or myself a little more, I peel another layer of my “knowing”. When we peel the innermost layer of knowing and finally achieve the highest state of awareness, we touch the virtue of love. This state is devoid of all the negative emotions like fear, attachment, anger, hatred, envy, ego, and inferiority complex.

Let me also point out that achieving this state is much easier than maintaining it. This is the reason why we keep learning and burning, like there is no end to this journey of awareness. In this article, I will try to explain the nitty-gritty of what happens when we obtain the “virtue” of love. Notice the difference here. Love as an emotion is felt by many, but how many business leaders actually consider and acquire love as a virtue?

Since defining love is like putting a cap on all the wonders it is capable of, my attempt throughout the article will be to explain what I mean by the “virtue” of love using some conceptual examples.

Here is a gist of some common dilemmas or examples you will be able to demystify after reading my article.

• When a senior member of your team, who has been contributing for years, decides to leave, what are you going to do?

Would you try to retain him or her because you know the business might get impacted for a short while due to this transition? Or would you support his or her decision and support his or her growth, even if it means parting ways? This dilemma will also throw light on how love is different from attachment.

• What if the person is making a wrong choice of leaving, and you are sure about it? Will you then try to retain him or her?
• Take another instance of a passionate team member who is not able to move to the next step and whose growth is saturated. What would you do next?

Would you help him or her find a more suitable opportunity? Or would you let him or her go without trying hard enough?

• If a member is continuously making mistakes, would you punish him or her or indulge in some nurturing?

You know you are in love when…

Now that workplaces have evolved, technology has taken over many jobs. However, no matter how smart the technology gets, it will always lack one thing that humans have and that is a “sense of connection.”

Only humans can bring a sense of connection at a workplace, without which people feel devoid of something which they can’t explain. They, however, will definitely feel directionless if the connection is not there! Humans cannot work in a completely virtual way, there has to be some social element between the team members even if that might be occasional. The strength in the understanding or love determines how long a virtual arrangement will work before they plan to meet and socialize. Even if the physical meetings are brief, the touch of energy is still needed. The purest way to form a connection is by showing your love. The more you and your core team are “in love”, the less you might have to physically interact with them. However, interaction at some frequency is always needed. 

If you ask me, love is an intangible, yet a deep form of affection, that can move mountains with its power. Love can come in different shapes, sizes and forms. So, when we say love, it does not always mean flowers and hallmark cards. In fact, when it comes to love at a workplace, it often starts with showing recognition and appreciation towards your team. However, it is not restricted to only this! The more you express, the more they reciprocate.

Listen: How often do you, as a leader, listen to people without interfering? How many interactions can you think of where you had truly listened to your team, without uttering a word? When you listen, you accept things and people as they are.

Accept: Well, if you really want to know how to love, start accepting people the way they are. The moment you try to change them, things will go south. Change is a gradual process and often takes time. The best thing is to accept people with your heart and the change will follow.

Honest: When showing your love, it is crucial to be completely honest with people. They might not realize your honesty immediately but that’s how it is. It comes up over a period of time. Being honest is a powerful way of expressing love!

Does being a leader feel like being in a relationship? That’s true! Marriage is no different than working with co-workers.

So, when love is the best way to nurture people, why is the workplace encouraged to be devoid of it? Why is there a stark separation of emotions from workplace when it is more fruitful if they co-exist? Imagine if business leaders start pouring their unconditional love on their core team, wouldn’t it lead to a rewarding ROI!

You know you are in love when you are not required to be in office. When you are like salt in water - powerful even when not seen!

All the virtues leading to love

Once you start the journey of awareness, you keep collecting virtues on the way, deepening your thinking and sharpening your clarity. At one point of time, you reach the state where all the virtues become one. That’s the purpose of life.

It so happened that three friends came together who practiced hard work, devotion and knowledge respectively and were experts in their fields. However, they were lonely inside, without any peace. As the weather began to change and it started raining heavily, they rushed to a nearby deserted temple. As the temple was old, the only way to save themselves from the rain was to come closer to the only Shiva linga there was in the temple. The moment they together embraced the Shiva linga, something happened inside them. They realized that it is the combination of hard work, devotion and knowledge that truly leads to love and peace.

The purer the awareness, the more inseparable the virtues and the deeper the love. I kept emphasizing throughout this series that once we are aware, we naturally become more fearless, trusting, nurturing, etc. Our intentions also become as pure as the driven snow. Let me explain this with where we left off last week.

It is time to dare

to ‘fear’ your fear

With all hope and no despair

And not let it interfere

When you act and persevere.

When we are aware, we accumulate virtues which we never thought we had! We start nurturing our core team, treating them with pure intentions. Moreover, we become more trusting and effective in our communication. Even letting go of our fears seems as natural as the breeze. Once we start reflecting on all these virtues, love will inevitably follow. And there is nothing purer and more rewarding than nurturing people with love.

When we love, there is no fear, that is the state of extreme bliss!

When I talk about fearlessness, the virtue we discussed in our last article, the first thing that comes to my mind is the unrequited love of a mother. When it comes to her child, a mother goes to any extent to protect and nurture him or her. Words like “fear” do not exist in her dictionary. You know why? Because her purpose is as clear and focused as Arjuna’s eye on the bird. Her desire to nourish her child becomes one with her mind and the surroundings. There is no other explanation to her actions than just one word - Love.

It is true that if you want the tree to stand tall and bear more fruits, the roots should be deep and strong. Similarly, if the roots of the organization are deeply connected, it will bear more fruits of success. And how will it happen? It will happen by reflecting on all the virtues being applied to nurture the roots, reaching the virtue of love and eventually imparting all the virtues onto the core team. Because they are the leaders of tomorrow!

As kids, our parents taught us how to walk by holding our hands. But eventually they let us walk alone knowing they could not hold us forever. Leaders are no different. They train the core team, nurture and nourish them but in the end, the team has to walk alone. This is where the role of trust comes into play. Leaders trust their team and the fact that they would do a good job. No matter how hard it is for them to let go of their hands, they have to become fearless to face the consequences. In the process of nurturing, the team members and the leader get connected with bonds of trust, fearlessness and most importantly love.

When we are not able to let go of a team member, it gives rise to attachments. Many people confuse attachment with love but in reality, they are like chalk and cheese. Love is pure, a way of being, a state where your primary purpose is to nurture your team. In contrast, attachments are a means of self-comfort and pain, where you want the best for your team, only till you are a part of it! Otherwise, you do not accept even your short-term loss for their long-term growth.

Being a loving leader at workplace

As discussed earlier, when you truly, madly and deeply love your business, it becomes your purpose of life. Thus, during the whole process, you exude love, because that is all you have to offer. When you are aware, you become focused. That is when love becomes a part of you and you cannot make any distinction between love and your surroundings or people around you. Congratulations! Your awareness has now reached the highest level of virtue!

Partial love : If we are truly in love with our business, we cannot choose which parts to love and which to ignore. Love stemming from high levels of awareness is more holistic in approach. You cannot love your business without loving each and every member of your team. You have to love the purpose of business and the people who are working to fulfill that purpose. You have to love the customers and let your team love the customers too. This needs a lot of energy and burning. But the bigger question is - can you burn and still throw love and not fire?

There is a famous saying, “When you like a flower, you pluck it but when you love a flower, you water it and nurture it every day.” So, when you love your team, your focus is to nourish them and that’s all you can offer. If the exit of a team member impacts the business for short term while it is good for the growth of the parting team member, would you pluck the flower or would you water it instead? If you, as a leader, are aware, you would take beneficial decisions, and maybe with the clarity you have achieved, you would come up with a solution that we humans call innovative thinking!

Achieving awareness is tough but maintaining that state is not a piece of cake. Leading with love (the purest by-product of awareness) requires untiring focus and constant self-reflection. When you are aware, you might reach the virtue of love unknowingly, but only when it comes to your realization, will it help you to impart this knowledge onto your core team.

People sense whether their leader is a loving leader or a superficial one. That’s the play of energies that surround us. To simply it for you, let us take an example. Suppose you are carrying a mug in your hand and it falls down. Whatever is inside the mug will spill out of it. If there is coffee, coffee will spill, if there is water, it will be water that will tip over. Thus, you give only what you have. If there is love inside you, you will give out love, no matter who the receiver is. So, if we have love, we are going to exude it, no matter the person. You will lead everyone with love!

Loving does not mean always appreciating, it also means correcting the team whenever required.

When an organization is run by love, it becomes an institution. People find it enriching to join the organization and become better citizens. Such an institution helps people learn the application of what they had learned in school. It is worthwhile to note how the awareness in you will come out as a loving leader:

·     Knowing and caring about the personal lives of people: Intimacy helps and builds stronger bonds. Instead of directly talking about work, it is always good to check on your co-workers first, ask them about their weekends or how their kids are doing.

·     Remembering your primary goal: Ensure that the primary objective of you as a leader is the well-being of people. Understand that you are only a facilitator or provider of resources to them.

·     Being passionate about burning: Just like the Sun, be a constant source of energy and enthusiasm for the team. Be passionate!

This strengthens trust and the love deepens.

Let me remind of the poem that describes the unlimited source of energy, that you as a leader are capable of emitting.

If you aspire to be a true leader

Draw some inspiration from the sun

But first ask yourself this question

Just as the sun, are you also willing to burn

For your people and your team?

Will you illuminate their lives

Just like the sunbeam?

Great leaders just shine

Undeterred by any adverse sign

Even when they are not really fine

It takes courage to be like the Sun

Especially when the storm arrives

You can burn but still give them

Warmth and comfort all their lives.

Does it pain when you are in love?

Every source of energy burns itself – be it a sun or a lamp. Now it depends whether you take that burning as pain or joy.

I grew up drinking fresh farm milk, mixed with sugar. Drinking raw milk without sugar was unheard of. After 30 years, I now drink raw milk and that too tastes sweet to me. I drink espresso and still don’t feel a bit of bitterness. What else? I can chew raw Neem leaves and am totally fine with it.

What I am trying to say is that if you are filled with love, any amount of external bitterness will taste sweet!

That being said, nobody can perfect the art of love since it is an ever-evolving journey without a destination! I am, too a student of this learning, who has still not experienced all the external bitterness in the world! I am only sharing what I have experienced or learned till now.

At one point of time when I was living in France, I used to run 10 km each day in the morning and work out at the gym for 1 hour every evening. When it came to food, I used to eat raw vegetables and boiled lentils every now and then. This went on for 8 months and my energy levels were at peak. Did it use to pain when I used to run or lift weights? It surely did, especially when I started but eventually, the pain started to fade. Here’s what my gym instructor taught me, which I found to be priceless!

1. It is that extra repetition that separates leaders from others
2. Keep looking straight even if you can’t bear the pain. Never look down!

What is pain then? It is a state of physical brain. Ancient wisdom offers support on how to become free of pain and keep spreading love. My grandfather used to passionately teach me this:

Jaisa khao ann, waise hoye mann (what you eat, so be your thoughts)

Jaisa piyo pani, waisi hoye vaani (what you drink, so be your voice)

Choose wisely when it comes to what you eat and drink because that’s what you will become!

Another analogy that intrigues me is that what you eat and drink becomes you. The apple you eat loses its identity and becomes you. The water you drink loses its identity and becomes you. Hence, what we eat becomes ONE with us.

Nature is full of examples of unconditional love. One of them is the love of river for the sea. The river keeps flowing, through all the hardships, till it meets her love - the sea. She does not get distracted or look back. If only we could nurture our team like this! Here is a small poem on describing the relationship between the river and the sea and how we can take some inspiration from it.

Ebbing and flowing

The river keeps going

Fearless and free

Till it meets the sea.

Curving through the rocks

Never looking back

Leaving behind its limits

Wounds, or cracks.

The river loves and longs

Streams while making a song

With every flow, it gets closer to

The reason it was born.

It withers, it transforms

To find its love, it changes its forms

When in the sea, it delves

It even loses itself.

That is the love of a river

No signs of doubt or quiver

It longs, it flows, it devotes

With love, it becomes a giver.

It does not stop

Till it finds its stop

No matter how long it takes

No scope for halts or breaks.

Breaking all limits, it flows

to become one with its love

The river somehow finds its way to meet

Through all the weather, rains, or heat.

It is so strong that

Even the sky agrees

It’s unconditional, 

How the river loves the sea.

Final thoughts

The more aware we are, the more layers of our “knowing” we are able to peel. However, it is important to reflect on yourself time to time to nurture your core team in a better manner. Once you reach the highest state of awareness, you unleash the virtue of love which is also a by-product of the amalgamation of all the previously discussed virtues. Thus, the last virtue of this series had to be love, which reflects the purest form of awareness.

I also want to let you know that the series does not end here. Stay tuned for the last article (to be posted next week), which is an attempt to build a framework for business leaders like us to understand the abstractness of leadership.