Leadership Is Not About Self-Blame: Lessons in Constructive Response

When I was in primary school, I had a classmate who always seemed to have the right answers. He’d consistently respond to the teacher's questions, and one day, after he answered yet another one, I snapped at him. It wasn’t until I reflected on it later that I realized my frustration wasn’t with him—it was with me. I had assumed he was trying to ‘be smart’ or get the teacher’s attention, but really, it was my own jealousy surfacing. I was irritated because I wasn’t the one answering all the questions.

Fast forward to my professional experience, and I’ve noticed similar dynamics can still occur, even at a professional level. During my time in a different educational organization, I brought up a suggestion that would help improve future planning. It wasn’t the first time I’d raised something others hadn’t considered, but I shared it with the simple intention of helping the team move forward.

However, the response I received was unexpected. A leader said, “We are all bad leaders,” implying that the leadership team, including himself, had missed an important point that should have been identified earlier. He went on to say that it would have been better if I had raised the suggestion when the dates were first shared, and urged everyone to be more vigilant about potential issues that could impact operations.

His frustration was clear, and I reflected on how sometimes hearing someone else propose an idea we hadn’t considered can trigger defensive reactions, even among those given the label of leaders.

This situation made me reflect on why people, even people labeled as leaders, sometimes respond this way, and what lessons we can learn:

1. Why Do Leaders React Defensively?

When leaders face heavy workloads and pressure to get everything right, it’s easy to feel frustrated when something is missed. My suggestion wasn’t intended as criticism, but it may have highlighted something that wasn’t addressed earlier.

The pressure to foresee every detail can lead to frustration, and sometimes that frustration manifests as self-blame or defensiveness.

This brings up an important question: Are we focusing too much on trying to anticipate everything, and in doing so, losing sight of the essentials?

2. What’s Wrong with This Approach?

Responding with self-blame shifts the conversation away from constructive problem-solving. The dialogue moves from planning improvements to dwelling on what was missed. In this case, the conversation turned from discussing how to plan better to reflecting on the oversight.

For leaders, it’s not about catching every issue ahead of time—it’s about how we move forward when challenges arise.

3. How Should Leaders Respond?

Feedback should be seen as an opportunity to grow, not as a critique of leadership abilities. No one expects us to anticipate every issue, and that’s okay. Instead of reacting defensively, it’s better to view feedback as a chance to improve. It’s also important to consider whether burnout and overwhelming workloads are contributing to defensiveness.

Are we taking on too much, and is that clouding our ability to focus on what really matters?

Prioritizing the essentials can help leaders avoid frustration and allow for more constructive responses.

4. Keeping Level-Headed as a Recipient

In situations where defensiveness arises, it’s critical to remain calm and not escalate the situation. My role as someone given that label was to keep the conversation focused on finding solutions rather than dwelling on what was missed.

When someone is feeling pressure, the conversation can easily spiral. It’s important to guide the discussion back to neutral ground and keep it focused on progress.

The Lesson for All Leaders:

For those given the title of leader, it's not about having all the answers or catching every issue.

It’s about how we respond when challenges arise. Sometimes others will bring up ideas we hadn’t thought of, and that’s okay.

By focusing on the essentials and embracing feedback, we can turn these moments into opportunities for growth.

When tensions rise, staying level-headed is crucial. Responding with purpose rather than defensiveness allows us to keep moving forward together.

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