Leadership lessons from the worst book-review I got(on my birthday)

It was my birthday. 9 Oct 2017. My book "Stop Lying Start Moving" had released just a few days ago. Had put my heart and soul into it. I and my Chief Digital Marketer(..my wife Nidhi Singh ) were at the peak of our marketing, hopes and dreams. The reviews were just getting started...

That's when this review came in on Goodreads. The writer is a respected writer on Quora, a well-read guy. I personally like many of his answers.

Theoretically, I should have felt crushed, demotivated, depressed. Even rationally, this rating would kill my 'average rating'!!! After which I should have 'Shown courage', 'ignored my detractors', 'Focused on the positive', begun the 'war against my critics', with 'tenacity and resilience' and emerged successful through my 'Hero's journey'. 

But though the review did shock initially, it soon faded off. In fact, I 'liked' his review - he had given very specific and clear comments for disliking the book. Put in sincere effort to make his case.

The book got many positive reviews later on, went on to become #1 in Amazon India's "Hot new releases" section. Currently it has a 5-star rating. I got many touching reviews - the most touching one being this through a Quora message on 16 May 2020...

And my mind wondered...

• Which opinion was true? The bad one or the good ones? Was the truth a function of the average score?
• Why was I not crushed at the negative review? Did I not care about my book? Was I an insensitive zombie? Was I "a saint who had transcended the world"?

Like always, clarity dawned at hindsight. While researching the Ontological approach to leadership development. This approach(which we use in our self-leadership program "The Zanshin Way") focuses on 'Being a leader' rather than 'Learning about leadership'

'Being a leader' rather than 'Learning about leadership'

It has two key tenets (among others) to BE a leader...

a) Having a purpose bigger than ourself

b) Our CONTEXT determines how the situation APPEARS to us.

So why was I not crushed?

I did care(or more accurately... "feared") 'What people thought of me'..."bad", "good", "Saint" being all part of that. But in this case, I cared much more about sharing my learnings and helping people reveal their deepest lies, own and transcend them. That was my purpose of writing the book. And it was bigger than myself.

I cared about what people thought of me. But I cared much more about my purpose.

And that context determined how the situation("1-star from a respected guy for something I put my heart and soul in!!!") appeared to me: "It hurts. But what's one person's opinion in the bigger scheme of things?" I could naturally move on.

The 'war against critics' happens if the situation appears like a 'war'. The 'Hero's journey' happens only if someone appears like a villain. A protagonist can exist only in the context of an antagonist. But my context made it appear like 'no big deal'. So I naturally behaved that way. Not out of 'bravery' or 'greatness'. I did not have to TRY anything that 'great people do'.

A protagonist can exist only in the context of an antagonist.

The same way the opposite happens. My context/worldview often makes some situations appear like an 'extremely big deal' - which appears totally 'trivial' to others.(My family and team will vouch for that! :) ) Then I 'lose it'. And of course I have a long list of reasons to justify my suffering. Then I 'struggle'. Then I 'cope', 'manage', read up on 'what great leaders do'.

And still cannot do it. :)

Our response is in sync with how the situation appears to us. And how it appears i determined by our context. We can respond like a wise leader in one situation, and totally like a victim in others.

And which opinion about my book was true?

All of them! For the respective writers. I can offer half a dozen defenses for the parts that have been criticized - but it will look that way to me. Not to the critics. That guy will probably never read another book by me :) Not unless his context changes. That's not bad or sad. It's natural.

Coming back to leadership, "great leaders" do not do "great things" during a crisis. They just respond as the situation appears to them. Something that appears as a crisis to you and me, does not APPEAR as much a crisis to them. What appears as "Fatally risky" to you appears "Not that risky" or a "risk worth taking" to them. From their context. And they act from that place. Naturally.

There can be other things that appear easy to you, but very hard to them.

The question for building leaders then radically changes. It is no longer "What leadership skills do we teach to overcome challenging situations?" Because it is already too late. The situation has become 'challenging'. Now the natural response will be 'struggle', 'confusion', 'ambiguity', 'acting authentically'(as opposed to being authentic).

The question becomes "How do we change how situations appear to us? No matter how hard/complex/impossible they appear to others?" So that clarity, efficiency, authenticity, wisdom can naturally happen. Leading to an optimal response.

That involves exploring the way we look at a given situation(professional or personal): Our context. Discovering our world views. Identifying our perceptual and cognitive distortions. How they limit the possibilities we see in a situation. To operate from a "clear space" (All that is what we do in our workshop)

So that when other people see 2 possibilities in a situation, we see 6. Or more.

Because creating a new possibility - that's leadership.

What to do now?

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About me

I gave up a corporate tech career to pursue my love and passion: Helping organisations solve business problems from a behavioral lens. To create better leaders and teams - using psychology and technology. I can help you increase your team effectiveness(junior/mid/leadership), provide coaching and niche skills training.