Leadership Insights: When Minimising is More About You Than Them

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I’d like to share a slightly controversial thought about something we all do and are probably not aware of it: we try to help someone feel better by downplaying their genuine struggle, especially relating to their mental health. That awkward moment when we accidentally (or sometimes deliberately) minimise or trivialise their experience in the belief that we are doing it to make the issue seem not as bad as they feel it is. This is when we say something like “oh, everyone feels like that from time to time”.? Or “what have you to feel anxious about?? You have a great job / family etc.”? Where’s the harm in that, you might ask? The Uncomfortable Truth This might be a hard pill to swallow, but we need to know:

• when we trivialise someone's mental health challenge, we're often more focused on our own discomfort than their actual experience.
• When we trivialise the situation for someone who is already feeling bad, we make them feel worse, not better.?

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There are a few ways of doing this without realising we are doing it.?

• Dismissive phrasing, - “What do you have to be sad about?” or “You shouldn’t be sad, you have an excellent job/family/etc.”?

• Minimisation, - “Everyone feels like that sometimes” to “There’s nothing to worry about.”?

• Negation,- “Hey, it could be worse!” or “That’s just a ‘first-world problem.’”?

• Prescribing solutions, - “You shouldn’t worry” or “You just need to get more sleep.”?

• Toxic positivity, which may sound like, “Just look at the bright side!” or “Everything happens for a reason!” A positive perspective can be helpful but can become unproductive when it’s the only perspective offered.?

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Why do we do this??

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Generally, we are trying to make them feel less upset or??

• We're scared of complex emotions?

• We want a quick fix?

• We feel completely out of our depth?

• We're terrified of looking incompetent?

The Real Cost?

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But, by brushing off genuine concerns, we:?

• Erode trust?

• Make team members feel unseen, or feel worse than they did.?

• Demonstrate our own leadership limitations?

• Create psychological unsafe spaces?

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What Great Leaders Do Differently?

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The best leaders lean into discomfort. They:?

• Listen without fixing – listen, don’t lecture.?

• Validate experiences?

• Ask curious questions?

• Seek to understand, not solve?

• Know when to refer to professional support?

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Your Challenge This Week?

Catch yourself if you're about to minimise a team member's experience. Pause. Breathe. Listen.?

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The big take-away from this?? Your team's psychological safety matters more than your momentary discomfort.?

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Leadership isn't about having all the answers. It's about creating space for authentic conversations.? Nobody (but you!) expects you to have the solutions.?

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If you want to learn more about this and get better at having critical caring conversations, hit me up.? I help teams know they matter but helping leaders show they care. Click the link below to find a time that suits you.

https://calendly.com/markbutler1/session-with-mark-butler