Leadership happens in the pause

Leadership happens in the pause

I am so privileged. As a leadership development practitioner, I get to live my Ikigai - I get to do what I love, what I am good at, what the world needs, and what I can be paid for. At this stage of my life and career, I have become particularly interested in what really matters. When I work with groups of leaders, I pay attention to the ideas that resonate - ideas that leaders respond to with their whole bodies. One of these ideas is that “Leadership happens in the gap between stimulus and response.” When I use the words “Leadership happens in the gap,” people pay attention.

We have been hearing about the gap between stimulus and response for a long time. Viktor Frankl, in his seminal work Man's Search for Meaning, said: “Between stimulus and response, there is a gap. In that gap, you choose how you respond. In your response lies growth and freedom.” Stephen Covey expanded on this idea in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, highlighting the significance of proactive behaviour. He emphasized that our strength lies in the ability to choose our response, thereby influencing our leadership effectiveness and personal growth.

Daniel Goleman, a pioneer in the field of Emotional Intelligence, underscores the importance of self-regulation - the ability to control or redirect disruptive emotions. He suggests that pausing before responding is crucial for maintaining composure and making rational decisions.

This is not a new idea. In Buddhism, it is called the “sacred pause,” referring to the intentional creation of a moment of stillness between stimulus and response. This deliberate pause fosters mindful awareness, allowing individuals to choose their reactions thoughtfully rather than reacting impulsively, taking responsibility of what they say and do.

Many leaders have heard the phrase “There is a gap between stimulus and response,” but when I say “Leadership happens in the pause,” I see a moment of recognition - an A-ha! The leaders I work with are usually on a journey, figuring out how to lead their teams in a way that enables every team member to make their best contribution and live their best professional life.

I often hear leaders say, “This is just how I am. It’s how I’m wired.” Then they are confronted with the impact of their behavior on their teams. This is a moment of reckoning - a choice: Do I continue to fly off the handle when things don’t go my way, or do I practice the pause and think for a moment before responding?

Many coaches and leadership development practitioners use the acronym STOP (Stop, Take a deep breath, Observe, Proceed) when they talk about this pause. But perhaps it’s time to rethink this acronym - to include thinking and considering before proceeding.

We might consider PAUSE (Pause, Assess, Understand, Sense, Engage) -because leadership happens in the pause.

• Pause - Stop the automatic reaction. Create space
• Assess ?- What is happening? Internally (your emotions) and externally (the situation)
• Understand - ?What is going on? What emotions or assumptions are at play?
• Sense ?- Listen deeply, tune into intuition, and consider possible responses
• Engage - ?Move forward intentionally, responding with clarity and purpose

Pausing as a leadership muscle

I have come to see pausing before responding as similar to exercising a muscle. Many of us have been telling ourselves a story that acting quickly is mostly a good thing - that we are being helpful when we give advice, tell others what they should do, or immediately share our opinions. But we often fail to realize the impact of a speedy response—one that is not always thoughtful, considerate, or intentional. What if, instead, we viewed the ability to pause as a leadership strength worth developing?

This is one of the most profound discoveries from Time to Think (Nancy Kline). Because thinking partners are not supposed to interrupt the thinker, they have to stay quiet - and in doing so, they inadvertently exercise their pausing muscle. After being a thinking partner in a thinking partnership, I often hear people express surprise at their own ability to listen respectfully and courageously without interrupting. For many, it is the first time they truly feel what it means to create a thinking environment for another person. They experience a visceral realization—that speaking at that moment would be selfish and disempowering. The best thing they can do is replace being helpful with being curious and create space for others to figure things out for themselves. As Nancy Kline says, “The mind that holds the challenge always holds the key to the solution.” My job as a leader is not to provide answers but to create the space for people to discover their own solutions.

Pausing as a foundational enabler of influence: Insights from Peter Block

This idea of pausing before reacting is deeply embedded in Peter Block’s consulting framework, particularly in the five phases of consulting. One of his key teachings is that consultants - and by extension, anyone who wants to influence others - must first meet people where they are. This means acknowledging and meeting them with compassion, even if we recognize that the story they are telling themselves may not be the full truth. If we want to influence others, we must first connect as human beings, with care and without judgment.

When we are too quick to offer solutions or advice, we not only miss an opportunity for connection but also assume that the other person wants our solution. Often, what people truly want is our listening, not our answers. When we jump into giving advice, making judgments, or offering criticism before understanding what they need, we often unintentionally damage relationships rather than strengthen them.

The second phase of the consulting process is the Discovery phase, where the priority is not to assume we understand the issue but to pause and genuinely seek to understand.

Even when we think we understand the issue, we have another opportunity to pause and ask: “What do you think you should do?” before offering a solution or telling them what we think, inviting the other person to do their own best thinking. Only after creating an opportunity for them to articulate their ideas, should we consider asking the magic question: “Would you like to know what I think?” If they say yes, then we have created fertile ground for our contribution to be received.

When we talk about this in the Flawless Consulting workshop, I often refer to the parable of the sower in the Bible: seeds sown on barren ground do not grow, but those planted in fertile ground have the best chance of flourishing. If we, as leaders (or parents), want to influence others successfully, we must hold back our advice and PAUSE - meet people where they are, be curious, show compassion (without judgment), and make them feel seen, heard, and understood. Only then are they able to hear our advice or suggestions.

Insights from Partners for Possibility

In the Partners for Possibility programme, where business leaders were partnered with school principals, we saw how frustrated the business leaders became when we asked them to spend the first three months to understand the school context and to get to know the people at the school. Following Theory U (Otto Scharmer), we invited them to be curious and interested rather than immediately helpful and to invest in relationships. Many found this excruciating—they assumed they understood the school’s challenges and believed their value lay in providing solutions.

It was only after attending the Flawless Consulting workshop that they realized how arrogant it would have been to give solutions before truly understanding the school's context. Time and again, I saw business leaders thank us for insisting they hold back on advice. By first listening, building relationships, and gaining genuine understanding, they were able to create fertile ground for real collaboration and impact.

Advice, when given prematurely, can feel deeply disempowering rather than helpful. If we, as leaders, want to influence others successfully, we must hold back our advice and PAUSE - meet people where they are, be curious, show understanding (without judgment), and make them feel seen, heard, and valued. Only then are they truly able to hear our insights.

This ties directly into the story we tell ourselves about leadership. Many still believe that a leader’s job is to fix, resolve, advise, and guide - rather than creating an environment where others can do their best independent thinking. But true leadership is not about having all the answers; it is about creating a thinking environment. And just like a muscle, our ability to pause before responding strengthens with practice. The more we cultivate this pause, the more we make it possible for those around us to think deeply, take ownership, and generate meaningful solutions.

When I reflect on my own journey - as a leader, consultant, mother, sister, and daughter - I can recall many pivotal moments where a pause and a more thoughtful response would have profoundly impacted my relationships. I also know that my daughters are grateful that I discovered Nancy Kline’s work and the power of listening with curiosity before responding before they entered their teenage years - when they needed my listening, not my answers. ?This shift has undoubtedly strengthened our connection and, in many ways, saved our relationships.

The pause is not just a leadership tool; it is a way of being. Emotional intelligence, self-regulation, and conscious decision-making all stem from this ability to create space. Leaders who pause cultivate teams that feel heard, valued, and empowered.

?“The quality of our leadership - and our lives - is shaped by the space we create before we respond.”

So, the challenge is yours: How may your life (and leadership) change if you made the most of the pause?

#Pause #Leadership #TimeToThink #FlawlessConsulting #Symphonia #TheoryU #PartnersforPossibility