Leadership is a Contact Sport: Ask
Marshall Goldsmith
My latest project: MarshallGoldsmith.ai Ask me any question. Everything I know is available for free! | Thinkers50 Hall of Fame | #1 Executive Coach | #1 Leadership Thought Leader | #1 NYT Bestselling Author
by Marshall Goldsmith
“Soliciting feedback” is just what the words imply. It is when we solicit opinions from people about what we are doing wrong. As simple as it sounds, it is not always so simple. Most people have two problems dealing with negative feedback. This may not sound like many, but they are big problems. The first is we don’t want to hear it and the second is we don’t want to give it.
The reason we don’t want to hear it is because negative feedback is inconsistent with our self-image and so we reject it. Did you know that of all the classes I’ve taught 95 percent of members believe they are in the top half of their group? While this is statistically impossible, it is psychologically real. Proving to successful people that they are “wrong” works just about as well as making them change.
The reason we don’t want to give it is because our leaders and managers have power over us, our paychecks, advancement, and job security. The more successful a person is the more power they have. Combine that power with the fairly predictable “kill the messenger” response to negative feedback and you can see why people don’t want to give feedback.
There are some other difficulties with traditional face-to-face negative feedback. Most of them boil down to the fact that it focuses on failures of the past not positive actions for the future. Feedback can reinforce our feelings of failure, and our reactions to this are rarely positive. More than anything, negative feedback shuts us down. We need honest, helpful feedback, which is hard to find.
That’s enough about what’s wrong with feedback. Let’s talk about the good stuff. Feedback is very useful for telling us “where we are.” Without it, I couldn’t work with my clients. I wouldn’t know what the people around my client think about what he or she needs to change. Likewise, without feedback, we wouldn’t know if were getting better or worse. We all need feedback to see where we are, where we need to go, and to measure our progress along the way. And I have a foolproof method for securing it.
When I work with coaching clients I always get confidential feedback from their coworkers at the beginning of the process. I enlist each person to help me out. I want them to assist not sabotage the change process. I do this by saying to them, “I’m going to be working with my client for the next year. I don’t get paid if she doesn’t get better. Better is not defined by me; it is not defined by her. It is defined by you and the other coworkers involved in the process.” I then present them with four requests. I ask them to commit to:
- Let go of the past.
- Tell the truth.
- Be supportive and helpful—not cynical or negative.
- Pick something to improve themselves, so everyone is focused on more “improving” than “judging.”
- As you contemplate changing your behavior yourself, without my personal assistance, you will need to do this same thing with your colleagues. Pick about a dozen people with whom you’ve had professional contact—work friends, peers, colleagues—and ask them to agree to these four commitments. When they do, which they nearly always will, you are ready to begin soliciting feedback from them about yourself.
- In my experience, there are a hundred wrong ways to ask for feedback and one right way. Most of us know the wrong ways. We ask people, “What do you think of me?” “How do you feel about me?” “What do you hate about me?” or “What do you like about me?” Think about your colleagues. How many of them are your friends? How many of them really want to express to you their “true” feelings about you, to you?
- A better question (and in my opinion the only question that works) is, “How can I do better?” Variations based on circumstances are okay, such as “What can I do to be a better partner at home?” or “What can I do to be a better leader of the group?” You get the idea. Pure issue-free feedback that makes change possible has to 1) solicit advice rather than criticism, b) be directed towards the future, and c) be couched in a way that suggests you are in fact going to try to do better.
- Finally, when you get the answer, when someone gives you the gift of what you can do to be better, don’t respond with your opinion of their advice. It will just sound like denial, rationalization, and objection. Treat every piece of advice as a gift, a compliment, and simply say, “Thank you.” No one expects you to act on every piece of advice. Just act on advice that makes sense to you. The people around you will be thrilled!
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4 年Nice and simple advice!
Working on anticipating the changes that will affect us all
4 年When people provide feedback make sure that you show them that you have really listened, including information as to how you and your management have changed things in response to suggestions made.
Business Development Manager | Print Advertising Advocate | Cinnamon Trust Volunteer
4 年Feedback is a gift ... perhaps you could run a workshop for recruiters!
Civil Engineering Professional at CADKEY Services
4 年And yes. People are confused about feedback. What is the exact difference between it and criticism...most people wonder. Well, whether taking or giving feedback even negative is nothing but a nice way of showing agreement or otherwise without offending anyone. So feedback uses correct words showing appreciation or otherwise. Well this is how I think at least! We work as team members no matter how big leaders one thinks he is. When the team delivers it is the win of the team and leader but when the team fails it is mostly due to micro management and over aggressive leader!
Civil Engineering Professional at CADKEY Services
4 年Very nice, practical and true explanation why we don't like rejection or negative feedback. I am facing rejection whole my life because of my straightforward, outspoken by nature as a person and I am a Civil Engineer. I have vision, can see distant future and try to implement it in my design. My customers are happy but they have been dwindling as competition based on less fee charged. Also my customer base is shrinking due to dangerous moves by my Indian government, like demonetization, GST and now COVID-19 is adding new problems. Most people like me in small business are in the biggest trouble. As a guitarist of Rock, Metal genre I have no fans in India. I am consistently seeking negative feedback/criticism from people and artists abroad. I want to improve myself and my friends will only say good job done and will not listen the 45 minutes album. Am I correct in my thinking? If you have some free advice please let me know. I am broke with 1 recent death in family and 3 probable family members in limbo of being COVID-19 positive, reports are due. If allowed I can send you a link to my channel and music also. I already subscribed to your channel. I am 48 with decent academic record and 25th year of career. Thanks and good day.