Leaders Listen

The Greek Stoic philosopher Epictetus said, “We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.” This ancient wisdom emphasizes that effective communication is not just about being able to express our own thoughts and ideas, but also about attentively hearing and understanding others. Active listening is a critical skill for leaders.?

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The term active listening was coined by psychologists Carl Rogers and Richard Farson. As a humanistic-existentialist, Rogers believed that humans are responsible for and capable of their own growth. We facilitate that experience when we engage others with empathy, warmth, and unconditional positive regard or concern without judgment. Active listening is a way to express these principles. In fact, Rogers believed that the ultimate goal of active listening is to enable positive change. This is only one of many reasons I like Carl Rogers.?

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By listening more than we speak, we show respect, empathy, and openness, which are essential for building strong relationships and gaining deeper insights. In leadership, particularly, this approach fosters trust and collaboration, as it allows leaders to truly understand the needs and perspectives of their team members. Ultimately, Epictetus reminds us that listening is a vital skill that enhances our ability to connect with and learn from others. Rogers and Farson remind us that it is through active listening that we enable another person’s positive transformation.?

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All this begs the question: How do you know when someone isn’t actively listening to you??

This isn’t a scientific answer, but generally, you can just tell. The person isn’t making eye contact. They’re distracted. They may jump in and cut you off, not allowing you time to express your thoughts. Maybe they respond with a judgment or try to cut to the chase and tell you what to do.?

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It doesn’t feel good when someone does any of these things, does it? But here’s the thing: You do it too and so do I. So does everyone…at least sometimes. Think about it. When you’re engaged in a conversation, how often do you:??

• Look at your phone??
• Wait for opportunities to make your own point???
• Immediately vote in your head when you agree or disagree with the person???
• Jump on opportunities to present yourself as the Expert Problem-Solver??
• Listen for reasons to validate your point of view???
• Look for a chance to escape the conversation??

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If you do any of these things, and we all do, you may be hearing, but you’re not actively listening. Sure, you might be hearing the words the person is saying, but you’re not engaged in the substance of what they’re saying in a meaningful way.??

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This brings us to the inverse question: How do you know someone is actively listening to you? When someone is actively listening, you can see that they’re directly focused on you. Their body language lets you know. The expression on their face conveys their empathy and warmth. They give you space and time to get out your thoughts. They don’t jump to judgment. They may invite you to share more details to provide a fuller picture of your situation. And they can reflect back and summarize what you’ve told them. In therapy, an old technique is to say, “What I hear you saying is…?” and then ask the person, “Did I get that right?”?

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In almost any scenario, active listening will lead to greater understanding and better outcomes for nearly everyone involved. As actor, director, and author Alan Alda put it:

“The difference between listening and pretending to listen, I discovered, is enormous. One is fluid, the other is rigid. One is alive, the other is stuffed. Eventually, I found a radical way of thinking about listening. Real listening is a willingness to let the other person change you. When I’m willing to let them change me, something happens between us that’s more interesting than a pair of dueling monologues.” (1)?        

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When we are really listening, we are open to being moved by the other person and learning something from what they’re saying. We listen for what’s actually going on with the person we’re coaching, rather than trying to confirm our assumption about what they need. Do they have a clear understanding of what the company is trying to accomplish and their responsibility to that goal? Do they have the resources they need? What’s behind the behaviors or feelings they’re describing??

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To get those answers, you’ll have to practice active listening. Like any skill, active listening takes time to master. Active listening is almost never our default setting. It takes intention and practice. To become the leaders our teams deserve, this is a muscle we all must exercise regularly.??

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Cheers,??

Greg?

(1) Alan Alda, Never Have Your Dog Stuffed: And Other Things I’ve Learned (New York: Random House, 2005)

About the Author??

Dr. Greg Giuliano is an advisor and executive coach to senior executives and teams all over the world, designing change leadership and team development strategies to lead organizational transformation. His mission is to help leaders and teams grow their capacity to enable positive disruption for markets, organizations, teams, and individuals.???

Greg is the author of the #1 Amazon Bestsellers The Next Normal, Ultra Leadership, and The Hero’s Journey: Toward a More Authentic Leadership.??