The Leader's Definition of NO: How Great Leaders Redefine NO for Success

{Part II of "The Leadership Fear Series"}

Are you a leader that often says “yes” when you really want to say “no”??Do you dread the conflict that saying “no” to your colleagues, staff, or manager might bring??Do you worry that saying it might keep you from earning your “team player” certification card??Has the fear of saying “no” led you and those you lead to a state of being overworked, of struggling to meet deadlines, and hanging on the edge of burnout??Great leaders redefine “no” and turn this negative word into a powerful and “positive” tool for achieving long-term success.?Let’s explore how…

A Leader’s Plan for a Complicated Fear

The fear of saying “no” affects people from all walks of life – myself included. ??I spent many years during the early part of my career engaged in my own personal battle with this fear.?Not surprisingly, I also encounter it often when conducting leadership coaching.??It may be a bit strange for someone to say they have a “favorite” fear but in terms of the common fears I help other leaders address this is my personal favorite.?It’s the most challenging to address BUT it yields the greatest rewards for those who can learn to manage it effectively.

So how does a leader address their fear of saying “no”??How does one embrace using the word “no” to get rewards like improved team efficiency, work-life balance, a great team culture, and the ability to deliver quality results? ??

A major key is to change your definition of the word “no” to one that reflects what it gives to a leader. ?However, altering something so fundamental to our mindset is not easy.?It’s a complicated fear that requires a multi-step plan to manage it.??

The basic steps of this plan include the following: ?

1. Understand the source of the fear
2. Understand the consequences of saying “yes”
3. Recognize all the areas where this fear impacts you
4. Redefine what “NO” means to you as a leader.?(Your primary guide!)
5. Understand when to say no, how to say it, and who to say it to.
6. Practice, practice, practice

Easier said than done I know!?This may seem daunting but know that it IS achievable.?So, let’s start by getting a better understanding of this fear.

Why Do We Fear Saying “No”?

I believe that most people know on some level that it’s not a good thing to agree to every demand anyone makes of you.?We’ve likely all referred to someone we know as a “yes man” or “yes woman” and meant it in a negative way.?So, if we know this, then why do we keep struggling to say “no” at times when we know it’s the right thing to do???Why do we have such an emotional response in the face of saying it? ??

As an average person looking for answers to these questions, I turned to searching through some of the overwhelming number of articles and books on this topic authored by psychologists, sociologists, and even others like me outside the mental health profession.?What I found tells me that the root of this fear boils down to a combination of two main factors:?learned behavior in childhood and the deep-seated desire we humans have for acceptance and belonging.?

In her book “The Book of NO: 365 Ways to Say It and Mean It – and Stop People-Pleasing Forever”, psychologist Dr. Susan Newman asserts that our struggles to say “no” when we truly want to say it are partly a result of constant conditioning in childhood.?Children are taught that they don’t have the option to say “no” to parents, teachers, or other authority figures. ?Saying “no” to things like doing homework, sharing toys, going to bed, or eating dinner generally result in negative consequences for children such as disappointment or anger from authority figures or loss of privileges.?According to Dr. Newman, “these early experiences [are] translated into concrete fears about using the word 'no' " and the result is that some of this fear remains with us when we move into adulthood.??

In addition to the childhood conditioning, there’s something else more powerful at play here.?We humans have a deep-rooted need to belong, to be liked, to fit in, to be accepted.???In a Psychology Today article on the fear of saying “no”, Licensed Clinical Social Worker F. Diane Barth asserts: “Research has shown that men and women have a tremendous need to belong to a peer group. Whether boy or girl, man or woman, we desire acceptance by our friends or the people we want to be friends with, as a way of establishing and maintaining a sense of identity, of ‘selfness.’”???The act of saying “no” to someone can be psychologically difficult because that could lead to conflict, hurting someone’s feelings, or disappointing someone. ?In turn, those things could ultimately lead to rejection.?

So how does understanding the root of this fear help leaders conquer it???When you are on the brink of saying “no” but that fear is holding you back, then stop and remember two things.?First, you are no longer a child who can’t say no to authority figures.?In fact, as a leader, you are an authority figure yourself.?Second, and most importantly, those deep desires for acceptance, belonging, and respect that you now know are driving you to say “yes” are the very things that you are sure to lose in the long term if you are unable to say “no” when you know it’s the right thing to do. ??

The Consequences of “Yes”

If you are an individual contributor and you consistently say “yes” to those requests that you know will make you work extra or that you know you are too overloaded to get done correctly or on time, then most times your decision will mainly impact you.??When you are a leader the impact will be far more widespread and often the most significant effect is on those you lead.?

Here are some common things that leaders who fear saying “no” end up doing way too often:

• Agreeing to take on more work than they know they or their team can handle.?
• Agreeing to perform work or agreeing to deadlines for completion of work they know to be highly unrealistic or impossible
• Allowing employees to drop off a project they don’t like working on or take a last-minute vacation when they don’t have the resources to get the work done without them.?
• Saying “yes” to excessive or last-minute requests from employees for time off in general.??
• Allowing more staff than necessary to work on a new exciting project that everyone finds interesting.??
• Saying “yes” to employee requests for special assignments or roles they may be less qualified to do than others who have earned the opportunity. ??
• Continually giving the same people the best or most interesting work instead of allowing fair access to opportunities. ??

?Subsequently, these actions may lead to the following:

• Loss of work-life balance and burnout.?(You, your team, or loved ones can be impacted.)
• Perception of unfairness.??(You may end up looking guilty of favoritism or worse, your actions could be mistakenly perceived as discriminatory.)
• Lower quality results.??
• Missed deadlines.??
• Loss of operational efficiency.
• Increased employee turnover.
• Poor expectations management
• Loss of trust and respect from staff, peers, and management.?

In those moments when you are tempted to say “yes” because it feels like the easier path for you emotionally, pause to consider all the ways that it could potentially hurt you and those around you.??

A Hidden Root Cause

Leaders often mistake their fear of saying “no” for some other type of deficiency in their skills.?In fact, I often refer to this fear as a common “hidden root cause” of leadership challenges.?

For example, I’ve had other leaders tell me that they have a fear of making decisions.?They will tell me that they struggle to make decisions quickly or avoid making them all together. ?Then after some more detailed discussion I will start to see that their biggest struggles with decisions come when one or more results of a decision they are facing means telling someone “no”.??They have no trouble knowing the right course of action, but they get stalled trying to think of some other alternative that will spare them from giving someone else bad news.?Decision making and denying others’ requests go hand-in-hand in the world of a leader.?So those that fear saying “no” may often walk around mistakenly thinking that they are indecisive.????

I’ve also seen this hidden root cause reveal itself when speaking with those who feel they have a problem with time management or maintaining a good work-life balance.?Many times, I’ve had someone telling me how they just can’t keep up with all the work they have, how stressed out their team is, etc.?Then I see the long pause and the familiar facial expression of a person having an epiphany when I interrupt to ask them this question… “Do you think you actually may have a fear of saying ‘no’?”

Regardless of whether you already knew you suffered in some way from this fear or you have just figured it out, you still may not realize the extent of its’ effects.?One great exercise to help you identify how much you may be impacted is to make a list of what you believe are the biggest issues you currently face as a leader.?Then make a list of the consequences of saying “yes” too much. ?Compare both lists. ?Any matches you see are areas where you should consider creating an action plan for using “no” to address those issues.

The Leader’s Definition of NO

For most of us the word “no” is generally associated with negativity. ?It heralds disappointment, signals we’ve done something wrong, and, of course, makes us feel rejected. ??If you need proof of that, then take a look at the definition of the word in the Merriam-Webster dictionary.?You see the word “negative” mentioned more than once and cited in the list of synonyms for “no”.???

Now no offense to Merriam-Webster, but when I think about the word “no” in the context of leadership, I believe there is another definition that they missed.

Think about a tool like a hammer.?A hammer could be used to do something positive like building a home for a family or fixing something broken to make it useful again.?Conversely, a hammer could also be used to do something negative like destroying a valuable or useful object.?The hammer itself is not negative or positive – only the results of how it’s used are negative or positive.??

A leader needs to think along these lines with respect to the word “no”.?In the world of a great leader the word “no” is synonymous with the word “tool” and its definition looks something like this:

No:?a tool used to manage expectations, reduce team workload, increase efficiency, promote a culture of respect and fairness, bring about innovation, and achieve long-term success.?

As a leader, the most critical step to managing the fear of saying “no” is to CHANGE YOUR DEFINITION of the word.?Constantly remind yourself that like a hammer, the word is just a tool that, when used properly, will yield positive results.???

When to Say “No”

Now we know that there are consequences to not using the word “no” enough, but it should be said that it also should not be your go-to answer for everything.?Sometimes saying “yes” leads to great things.?So how do you know when the situation calls for using the power of “no”??There’s no black-and-white answer to that.?

However, it’s probably a good time to say “no” when…

… someone you do not have a long-term relationship asks for a “favor” or “exception” to the standard rules that you would have the authority to grant.??(It is not wise to start a working relationship with favors. Expectations that rules should be followed should be set immediately in new relationships.)

… someone you have a long-term, well-established relationship asks you for a “favor” or “exception” to the rules that you have the authority to grant AND you’ve already done that for them very recently.??(I typically say one favor every 3 months.?Not a bad thing to help someone after clear boundaries are established but too much and those boundaries start to shift to places you don’t want them to be.)

… your first or most prominent thoughts when asked are concerns about a negative response from the requester if you tell them “no” ??

… you know with great certainty that you or your team will be unable to perform the work or meet the deadline requested.??

… you or your team are overloaded, working excessive hours, dealing with extremely critical issues, or working on highly visible projects with tight deadlines. ?

… it is not a critical situation and you need practice saying “no” (We’ll cover this one a bit more later on)

Who can you say “No” to?

You can say “no” to ANYONE!?And yes, I seriously mean anyone!?Your employees, your peers, your customers, and even your manager.?

But please don’t stop reading now and starting shouting “No!” to any and everyone who asks you anything.?Remember that the word is a tool and how you use it - i.e. how you say it - is a critical part of the process. There are many approaches and if you do it well, then those you say “no” to will respect you and may even appreciate that you said it.??So, read on for a deeper dive into the ways you can do this and how you handle any fallout.

How to Say “No”

There are a lot of strategies one can use to say “no” effectively with minimal conflicts or resentment.?In fact, some of those ways don’t even involve using the word itself. ?I have five different strategies that I employ to say “no”:?Empathy, Transparency, Time-Delay, Compromise, Choice.??I use these in combination with each other depending on the situation.?Let’s look at each in more detail.

Empathy

Use your own experiences being on the receiving end of a “no” as a guide in planning to say it to others.?Particularly consider situations when you were very angry to hear “no”.?You’ll likely find that usually it’s not the fact that you were told “no” that made you angry, but instead how it was delivered. ?

Transparency

Professionally and very briefly explain your position. ?Giving some insight into why you said “no” can soften the blow. ?However, be cautious not to engage in a long debate.?One tip is to use the words “I don’t” instead of “I can’t”.?“I don’t” sounds like you are following rules whereas “I can’t” sounds like an excuse. Explaining any potential long-term impacts that would affect the requester if you were to agree to the request can also be very helpful.?

Time-Delay

Ask for some time to consider a request further. ?This can give you a little bit of breathing to craft an appropriate response.?However, you need to ensure you give the requester a chance to regroup and pursue other options. ??Ask when they need an answer and/or give them a firm time when you will provide a decision. Then STICK WITH that commitment.?

Compromise

Instead of just saying “no” to a request, offer some alternatives.?This may include things like a different deadline, modifying the parameters of the request, or directing them elsewhere for assistance.?One great technique here is to avoid using the word “no” itself and just give the alternative. ?

“No, but I can do it for you by Thursday at 4pm”

“I will complete one of the two reports you are requesting on Monday so you can at least get started on your analysis and provide the other one by 5pm Wednesday.”

“No, we don’t handle those type of requests, but I will be glad to give you a contact in another team that can help.”

“I have other tasks at this time that I have been asked to prioritize.?Please feel free to engage my manager with a request to re-prioritize other work and business justification if this request is considered critical.”

Choice

This approach works well with a requester for whom you are currently handling other work requests. ?Provide the requester with a list of all existing work pending or in-progress for them. Offer them the choice to cancel, adjust, or delay any of this so you can fulfill a new request.?You can provide some basic information like deadlines or time required to complete the other requests but be cautious of giving too much detail to avoid long debates.?

Note that it can be very helpful to seek the advice of colleagues and your manager regarding the best ways to say “no”.??It’s a common struggle so it’s likely everyone you ask will have at least one piece of advice to help you along.

How to Say “No” to Your Manager

I find that my assertion that you can even say “no” to your management is the hardest one for many people to believe. ?I’ve been practicing the art of “no” for many years – including using it with my own management - and I can assure you this is easier than you may think.

There are two major things that you need to keep in mind when you are experiencing fear of saying “no” to someone in your management chain.

First, managers are just human beings. ?They are regular people with the same flaws, emotions, fears, and strengths we all have.?I’m amazed how often other managers seem to forget this obvious fact when it comes to dealing with their own leadership.?You can have professional conversations or debates with them like you can anyone else and that’s often what they want.

Second, your manager’s success is partially dependent on your success. ??Managers can’t know everything and - if they are empowering their staff as they should - they don’t want to know everything. They will appreciate and even expect those who report to them to tell them “no” if a request they make can’t be done or might have risks or negative consequences they are unaware of. ?

Now as far as how to say “no” to your manager, all the strategies outlined in the previous section can be used.?However, there are a few addendums for this special case of saying “no”. ????

• Provide more detailed data with the “choice” approach:??It could be beneficial to provide more details than you would to an outside requester in cases where you are asking your manager to choose to delay, cancel, or modify existing work to accommodate a new work request.?Extra details may include things like total overtime costs, employee to customer ratios, percentage of manpower currently spent on different types of work.?A comprehensive summary of all the work you or your team is currently doing in writing can be much more effective than just saying “my team is really overloaded” when explaining your decision to say “no” to work requested by your manager. ?
• Compromise without the “no” word is a preferred option: ?Using the approach of “compromise” and not actually using the word “no” as part of your denial (as described above) is particularly advantageous with your management.?Offering alternatives demonstrates your ability to think on your feet and creatively solve problems.??
• Have conversations with your manager about your philosophy of using “no”: ?Don’t wait until you have an occasion to say “no” to your manager before you have a conversation about your strategy for using “no” for success.?Regular conversations with your manager about your leadership philosophies will make you much more comfortable saying “no” here.?Your manager will also have a better understanding of your reasoning when you do it.

When You Say “No” but your Manager Says “Yes”

You chose to say “no” to a request. ?The requester escalated to your management and your decision was overturned. ?You may feel embarrassed by this because you “lost a battle” or you feel like everyone thinks that you’ve made a mistake that your manager had to step in and correct.?This happens to all leaders.?There is no need to feel shame.?

The biggest mistake I see leaders make when their manager overturns their “no” is to stop denying any future requests of a similar nature. ?They usually do this because of those feelings of embarrassment or an assumption that their manager will automatically override them again next time.??

There are reasons when it is beneficial to have someone escalate up the management chain.?It’s also not automatically a bad thing if a higher-level manager says “yes” when that happens. ???One reason is expectations management.?It can discourage others from constantly requesting exceptions to the rules if they know they will have to spend time and effort to go through multiple layers of management each time they do it.?In other words, the escalation path “weeds out” requests that are not truly critical.??Another reason is to give higher management visibility to team resource needs or ineffective policies.?Higher level managers may also choose to say “yes” to an escalated request as part of a negotiation to gain some other type of assistance that benefits the organization. ?

Also consider that sometimes saying “no” to certain work requests can earn you tremendous respect from those you lead.?Even if you are overruled at times, they see that you are willing to protect them from burnout and keep the team focused on long-term success goals.?

So, take comfort in the fact that even if your management says “yes” after you say “no” it’s still likely you've achieved something positive. ??

Lastly, if you continue to struggle with that sense of embarrassment or worry after one of these management overrides, then have an in-depth conversation with your manager before you give up on saying “no” to something.?Let your manager know how it impacted you when your decision was reversed and tell them you want to ensure you are on both on the same page when it comes to denying requests and enforcing team policies.

Handling the Conflicts

The strategies provided here will help you minimize conflict, but it will happen from time to time. Conflict management strategy is a topic that we won’t delve deeply into here.?However, here are some basic guidelines for dealing with those who become angry, argumentative, or resistant after you have told them “no”.

• Explain your position.?If you did not already do so when you rendered your decision, then briefly and professionally state the reason for your denial.?You may not owe someone an explanation but providing one can easily diffuse a situation and you may also gain some respect.????
• ?Explain the benefits to the requester of your decision. ??If you did not already do so and there are potential benefits to the requester, explain that to them.?This may include briefly outlining consequences or risks of saying “yes” or how it may affect the overall quality of your service to them. ?
• Allow them a brief time to express frustration.??Simply listen for a brief time while they express their frustration without interruption.??
• Suggest management escalation. ?Let them know that if they are dissatisfied with your decision that they are welcome to contact your manager with a business justification and ask for a review of their request.?Tell them that if your manager is willing to override your decision then you’ll be happy to help them at that time.
• Politely disengage.?It generally does not help to continue a long debate and could increase the level of hostility. ?Tell the requester that you are not inclined to reverse your decision and that you feel that it is for the best that you discontinue the conversation at this time.
• Do not apologize.??Though it’s tempting, apologizing for denying a request could give the impression that you are not confident you are doing the right thing and that your mind might be easily changed if they continued to argue.????
• Remember your long-term goals.?As with any difficult management situation, stop to remember how this decision will help you achieve your long-term success goals.??
• Remind your self that memories of “no” are not long.?If you handled saying “no” in a professional manner, then it’s unlikely someone will hold a long-term grudge. ?Some may even come to respect you for your character and strength over time.?

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?Practice, Practice, Practice

As with any other skill, you must continually practice using “no” as a leadership tool if you want to get better at it.??It won’t be an easy start.?Particularly if you have been saying “yes” for a long time. ?

A great way to start getting comfortable with taking “no” out of your leadership toolbox and using it is to practice in non-critical situations. ??For example, lets’ say you are not particularly busy, and someone pops up with a last-minute afternoon request they want completed by the end of the day.?The request is very obviously not an emergency so even though you could likely do it now, you say “No, I don’t accept new requests this late in the day, but I will do that for you tomorrow”.?

If you stick with it, the good news is that it will get much easier over time.?

A Real-Life Scenario

Let’s walk through a real-life situation to help bring it all together.?This is a condensed version of a pivotal time in my career where I learned the consequences of saying “yes” too much and got my first taste of the positive results that using “no” can give a leader. ?

Granting Favors

Not long after assuming my very first role as an IT manager, I started receiving requests from an internal team of business analysts asking my team to perform a certain task that they normally performed themselves. ??This type of task was not part of our normal scope of work, and it was a violation of defined quality control policies for us to perform it outside of “critical business emergencies”. ?

It started slowly and I was told that my predecessor had been accommodating these types of requests for them in recent months.?These requests would come with their assurances that they were related to highly critical business emergencies and often stated that certain issues with the computer systems were hindering their ability to quickly handle the work themselves.?

Initially, I felt like it was my duty to be a team player. ?After all, shouldn’t it be my priority to ensure critical business functions could be carried out? ??And what’s the harm in helping colleagues out in their time of need???The last manager authorized these requests.?So, I did too.??

The Problem with Favors

Over time these types of requests started coming with more frequency.?The wording and tone of the requests started subtly changing.?They were less like appreciative pleas for help and more like polite but firm demands.??My team was not staffed to handle a large volume of this type of work as it had to be performed outside normal business hours.? We started to get overloaded and our ability to complete other work was impacted.?

I began to think it was strange that this other team was having so many “critical business emergencies” and I was no longer getting specifics about the nature of these emergencies in newer requests.??I felt I needed to take some action.?

First, I attempted to identify the root causes of these emergencies and the computer system issues hindering this other team. ?I was the manager of an IT team after all.??Perhaps solving these issues for them will stop these requests without any conflicts between our teams. ?

However, what I found was evidence that many of the claims being made by this business team’s management were untrue or very exaggerated.?I also found that members of this other team were not routing all these requests through me as required. They were approaching my staff directly and using examples of similar requests I had approved in the past to convince them to do the work.?

I finally realized this was out of hand.?But now I wondered how I would stop it. ?

The Battle of Resetting Expectations

I knew they’d been untruthful, but I gave this team the benefit of the doubt that this was done out of desperation and not with malicious intent. ?They’d told me many times they were grateful for my help.?So of course, I assumed if I explained that now my team is overloaded and that I now needed their support, they would be understanding and stop sending so many of these requests.?How wrong I was!?

I began saying “no”.?I instructed my staff to do the same.?The responses started becoming increasingly hostile.?I demanded more detailed business justification and denied those they could not prove were critical emergencies. ?I sited our long-standing team policies.??That should have been the end of it, but it wasn’t.?

There were emails from the management of this business team sent to large audiences including my own management stating that I was not a team player.?They sent out a very long list of all the past instances where my team had performed this work.?The list contained requests for emergency exceptions that had been made in the past in accordance with the policy they knew we had in place. ?Now they called this list proof that our policy of only doing the work in rare emergencies had never existed and that I was lying when I said it had.

When I began denying requests they escalated to my manager.?My manager was relatively new to our team and, though I had advised him otherwise, he believed their justifications and overrode my decisions to deny the requests. ?

Staying the Course

This business team had become my opponents instead of my partners.?I felt as though the relationship between myself and their management may have been irrevocably damaged.?Quite often I thought about giving up on my quest to reset expectations.?However, the biggest thing that kept me going were my long-term goals for my team’s success.?How could I have a strong successful team if we could not be efficient??If I could not ensure that my staff had the appropriate work-life balance??If I had no time for talent development and a high turnover rate because of staff burnout? ?I knew this could happen if my team kept doing the work meant to be done by another team.?And in the end, would my management be understanding if this kept us from meeting our commitments or if the quality of our work was diminished?

I had to keep going.?Each time my manager agreed to their demands after my denials I would ask him “Can you confirm you are giving them a one-time exception and that you do not want to change our policy?” ?He would confirm and so I kept on saying “no” to new requests.?

Long-term Results

After several months I started noticing something.?The number of requests started dropping. ?My manager, who had been seeing more escalations after I said “no”, started to deny their requests as well.??At around six months they’d completely stopped.?I could sense the tensions at the regular status meetings I had with this team easing.?I started being greeted pleasantly again and instead of arguments the meetings were productive and professional.?

While there have been a few others, this experience was the most instrumental in showing me how truly critical it is for leaders to be able to say “no”.??One particularly valuable lesson I learned in this case was that the longer you wait to start saying it the more difficult it will be to reset the expectations of those around you.

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The Takeaway

We’ve covered a lot of ground but if you’ve made it here to the end then you have everything you need to use the word “no” as a tool for success in your leadership journey!?

Let me leave you with a few final thoughts…

Leaders must manage the expectations of customers, partners, and their own management to gain long term benefits such as operational efficiency, work-life balance, or the joy of innovation. ?The power of saying “no” is a very integral part of expectations management and can yield positive long-term results when used wisely.?

Your deep-seeded human desire for acceptance and belonging is what is ultimately driving your fear of saying “no”. However, acceptance and belonging are the very things you are at risk of losing if you give in to that fear. ?

?“Yes” is the go-to tool of a “people pleaser” not a leader. ?If you try to please everyone, you’ll end up pleasing no one.?A great leader understands how to use both “no” and “yes” to reach their goals.

The moment you click that email send button or utter the words to tell someone “no” is the most stressful part of the process. ?However, if you’ve prepared yourself for the moment and handled it well you have nothing to fear. ?Your company won’t shut down, stock won’t plummet, you won’t lose your job, and you won’t miss out on getting that elusive “team player” certification card. ??

And, if someone is angry you said “no” then they likely won’t be for very long before they move on to the next item in their own busy agenda.?Most of those times you say “no” that seem so dramatic in the moment end up as nothing more than a momentary blip in your life.

Stay strong and good luck!?

And one last note … hopefully you realized the “team player” certification card isn’t a real thing. ??Or is it??

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Dana Wheeler is an IT Director and passionate about leadership development and coaching. Connect with Dana and see other installments of her "Leadership Fear Series"on Linkedin. You can also connect with her on Twitter.