Lead Through Empathy in the Trenches

As an educator, there are those “in the trenches” moments, when you will be tested, without realizing you are about to be.?

In the past, many years ago, I remember teaching a drama class at a high school and one of my students said something so harmful, I needed a quick minute to breathe through it. She said, “If you’re a professional actor, what are you doing here?”?

I can remember how those few words hurt me, because a part of me felt like she was right, at one point I did see myself acting in movies, making a career of it, but after sometime, it didn't pan out as such. What brought me to where I was today, or at the time? In that classroom, back in my home state, yes, teaching drama. In that classroom filled with young minds staring back at me, with eyes that seem eager to learn something from you, but their current actions seem like they could care less.?

I stood there stunned. She had gotten to me. She had attacked the most vulnerable and insecure side of me, that I was battling back and forth inside. What was my worth? What was I doing? Did I choose to be here? Should I be grateful and happy or angry and upset? Did I not pursue my dream completely and fully, or was I exactly where I needed to be? I did sometimes feel like a giant failure.

After these existential crisis questions passed through me, and after I felt all the negative thoughts and emotions towards myself that I could think of, I came back around to this one truthful thought…I honestly didn’t know why. I didn’t know how, why, or what brought me to where I was today, or who I was back then. As I questioned my life’s choices and experiences, something occurred to me, it also didn’t matter to me anymore. What mattered more was this moment right here in the present.?

This was an opportunity to love myself instead of hate myself. This was the chance to practice calmness over abrasive, aggressiveness, and even anger. This was also an opportunity for me to practice empathy towards another human being.?

This student didn’t know who I was, not really. She knew Mr. Pete who showed up every day, smiling, laughing, jumping around, and ready to challenge her and her peers. She didn’t know the person who went home questioning his life but still worked hard to create an impactful lesson, so she might feel safe and excited that someone cared about their learning. She didn’t know, about his previous struggles, and doubts, and how he was able to overcome some of these. She didn’t know that he had accomplished some of his goals, worked on movies, and met some known celebrities. That he got better and better at his craft. She didn’t know that he had traveled, got married, then divorced, that he had found much meaning and purpose in his life. She didn’t know of the losses he had. The injuries and surgeries and many encounters with grief. She didn’t know those sides and aspects of those unfulfilled dreams either. She didn’t know the real person, not completely.?

At the same time, I also didn’t know her.?

I didn’t know the young person standing in front of me, who had said what she said. I didn’t know what her life was like at home, I didn’t know of the different environments she came across. I didn’t know of those people and things that are affecting and influencing her. I didn’t know what made her so angry to say what she said. I didn’t know what made her smile, what made her feel safe, or even what made her afraid or sometimes ashamed, I didn’t know what made her…her.?

I could have lashed back. I could have found something to attack her with. I could have punished her. Instead, I chose other choices of words, I looked back, and simply said, “I chose to be here, for you and all the other students.”?

To be a leader, means to take the hits, even those that hurt, sting, and even cut the heart sometimes. It means to stand confident and strong in the faces and voices of opposition. It doesn’t mean letting this opposition force overcome you, and doesn’t mean not having your boundaries, but it means having the ability, the power, and wisdom, to weather the storms when they show up.

That student, throughout the rest of that semester, continued to challenge me, continued to not make my teaching and afternoons in that classroom easy, but she kept showing up, and kept taking more risks, and even smiled a little more; and for our final performance, she took on one of the major roles. Though it probably wasn’t the most ideal route to go, I welcomed the effort, from her, and from those who supported her, and I have to believe it had made an impact on how she felt and who she was developing into. It certainly has made an impact on me.?