Lead with Less Anger

Do you use an angry voice to communicate or give instructions when a firm, even voice would do the job just as well?

I witness this most commonly in sports settings, where it seems to be accepted that coaches and trainers shout angrily at those they are training. I’m not talking about raising the voice to be heard. I mean shouting with angry inflections and body language, to convey authority and to motivate.  

Sports isn’t the only place this happens. Every parent and teacher – and I speak as a veteran of both roles – gets ticked at the youngsters in our charge sometimes.  So do team leaders, managers, supervisors, and executives, of all sorts, working with all ages.  Frustration comes with the territory of leadership.

Anger is a powerful tool for some good purposes, when used sparingly. The volume and intensity of anger say “Listen up!” and often people do. When it’s exceptional, anger gets attention and underscores a message.

But used frequently, the positive effects of anger diminish. Anger stresses people. Eventually they tune out and turn inwards for relief from the bombardment.  Then you have to shout louder for the same effect.  

Worse, your emotional outbursts trigger similar responses in others in times of stress and transition. Disrespect and theatrics may creep into many discussions and become normal. All communication suffers, frustration spirals, and morale goes down. 

Don't be fooled by the silence that, if you are powerful, may follow your theatrics. That will give way to something else when come the inevitable times of crisis too large for any one person to control. Drama seeds drama. The higher your place in the system, the more likely that overuse of anger will result in brittle relationships and lead to eventual chaos.

Conflict Styles - A Framework for Alternatives

In the conflict styles framework, frequent appearance of anger in negotiation or leadership reflects over-reliance on the Directing style of response. In my diagrams of conflict styles (based on the Mouton Blake Grid; see them here), Directing is on the upper left and involves a high focus on task or agenda and low focus on relationship. In leadership or conflict resolution, this style is focused on getting others to do something, not on the relationship or how people feel. 

That doesn’t sound very nice. But let’s be clear, that doesn’t mean this style is always a bad choice. If you can’t use Directing effectively, you’re going to let others down in a serious way. In order to protect youngsters from getting into danger, for example, every parent, every teacher, every youth leader needs to say “No!” at times and be ready to back it up with firm action. The focus in such moments is not the relationship, it’s on protecting others or upholding principles, even when this causes angry feelings.

People in all kinds of roles have a duty to place principle and duty higher than feelings and relationships at times. You don’t want the surgeon operating on you to negotiate with an assistant about procedures. You want firm, competent control, by an expert professional who brooks no nonsense in getting things done right.  Let them patch up bad feelings later!

So hone your skills at this style - you will need it. But don’t make it a habit. If you do, it will begin to have diminishing returns and you will weaken the web of kindness and responsiveness that make organizations healthy.

Four Strategies to Reduce Reliance on Anger

If you recognize yourself in the categorize of over-use of anger, you can take steps to get out of it.  

1) Treat problems as information gaps rather than conflicts. As a mediator I am struck with how often big conflicts start out from simple misunderstandings. Had they been managed as such from the beginning and dealt with in calm, non-confrontational ways, many conflicts could be avoided. Things polarize and escalate when you bring anger into the picture.

Treating problems as information gaps requires practice. Old patterns will pull you back to needless deployment of anger. To achieve the balance you seek develop these skills: 

• Purpose statements.  Use of clear, non-confrontational statements of positive purpose makes it easier for others to work with you rather than against you, even in circumstances that could easily turn confrontational. “I’m eager to get a good night’s sleep – would you mind keeping the noise down?” has a very different impact than “Do you have to be so loud?”  Similarly, “It’s important that we stay together so nobody gets lost,” calmly stated, has a different impact than shouting “Stop lagging behind!” To create purpose statements you have to think through your underlying purpose and figure out ways to communicate it in positive terms.  Until you get the hang of it, you will have to prepare in advance of difficult moments to pull it off.
• Clarifying questions help you interact with others in ways that invite and assist them to clarify their purpose and/or needs, without escalating an awkward moment into a conflict. There’s no catch-all formula for this, but consider these examples: “Sorry, what’s happening here is not what I was expecting. Can you help me understand this?” “I’m afraid I don’t understand what’s happening – can you clarify please what you’re trying to accomplish?” “Please say more about that, so I understand where you’re coming from….”

2) Expand your repertoire of skills for deploying influence and power.  A common rationale for anger is that it is necessary to caution or block others from unacceptable behavior.  But it’s not the only way to do that.  Thought and preparation can often position you with different responses that don’t require any anger.

In mediation and group facilitation training, for example, we teach mediators and facilitators to call out rude behavior kindly but firmly, early, as soon as it appears.  If facilitators wait until rude behavior has multiplied, confronting it kindly is harder, for the facilitator’s own emotions have now increased.  

With children, as a parent I learned that to achieve discipline without spanking or yelling I must lead by actively noticing and verbally appreciating good behavior as much as possible rather than only confronting the bad. I must take care to back my words with actions, never giving an order or threatening consequences I am not prepared to enforce. I must maintain on the tip of the tongue a series of clear and escalating responses to unacceptable behavior; my early responses must be small and simple enough that I don’t hesitate to use them.    

Those examples aren’t comprehensive. The point is: Commit to an active quest to be influential and authoritative in ways that don’t depend on a turbocharge of anger. This takes time, thought, reading or discussion, and experimentation, but the results can be transformative.   

3) Use the Cooperating style of conflict resolution instead of Directing

In the language of conflict styles, the skills above enable you to use Cooperating as a response in situations in which you previously might have relied on Directing.    Let's be precise about what separates Cooperating from Directing (or if you use the Thomas Kilmann framework, Collaborating from Forcing).

Directing and Cooperating are similar in that they share high commitment to Task.  In using them we bring an agenda to engagement with others. We have a mission we feel is important to accomplish. We are assertive. This Task orientation makes both Directing and Cooperating styles effective when there's is a lot of work to get done, or a major responsibility to fill.  

However, Cooperating adds something not present in Directing: major commitment to a relationship with those we are engaging.  We pay attention to their feelings. We send frequent signals that we value them and their goals. We back up these signals with actions. Cooperating has a dual focus, a high commitment to both Task and Relationship.

That's a bit paradoxical. It's not easy to have both. There is a cost you must reckon with in using the Cooperating style: Unlike in Directing, you’re not just insisting on your own agenda, you’re also paying attention to others, their feelings and views. There will be back and forth and a period of uncertainty as you wrestle with finding solutions that keep everyone happy. 

In fact, it’s not realistic for leaders to use Cooperating on every issue. Nor is it desirable - some issues are just too trivial to merit the effort required. But if you try, you'll be surprised at how often you can use Cooperating, with issues that truly matter. The mere fact that you try will usually be noticed and appreciated. And as others see that you use Cooperating whenever possible, they will be more accepting of those occasions when realities of time, budget, or other limitations require you to use Directing.

4) Circle back later, after moments when you have voiced your wrath, and take steps to signal care for the relationship.   In my experience, people who habitually use anger under-estimate the ongoing damage they cause others and relationships. If you were over the top, why not acknowledge it?  If the anger was appropriate, you can still signal care without compromising your principles with a gesture of warmth or appreciation.  

-------------------

My culturally flexible, psychometrically-validated Style Matters conflict style inventory is optimized to help groups and teams engage in thoughtful discussion about their dynamics.  Sample score report here. Check out this infographic on two easy ways to invite users to take the inventory.