Lead-HER-Ship: A Four-Part Series for Speaking up, Speaking Out, and Being Heard. Part 4

Trial By Mouth

"Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace."

—Amelia Earhart

Focus on the people you are addressing - not yourself.?Care more about connecting with them. Make eye contact with as many as you can while you speak. Eye contact means looking into their eyes, not over their heads.?They are the most important people in the room.?People will listen if spoken to directly and sincerely.?

Use the lower ranges of your voice.?You can find it by saying the phrase "ah-huh". Say it a few times and then speak in that register. Remember, don't end a sentence with a vocal upswing that indicates a question (unless it is a question).

Don't ask permission or seek approval to speak. Remember to never start with "I am sorry but... " "Is it ok if..."?"I might be wrong but…" ?This diminishes your power immediately.?Even if what you have to say is brilliant, you have weakened it.?

Be a positive presenter, a solution seeker rather than a negative naysayer. You can outline the challenges and concerns you see, but then offer something constructive. A statement like this will short-circuit your listeners: "That idea will never work."??

Honor the presence of others.?Summarize what you have heard others say and then state your point of view.?Critical word: summarize but not editorialize. ?If your comment is ignored but later met with approval when a man says the same thing, consider this comment: "John, thank you so much for picking up on what I had said earlier. I really appreciate your support!"?Then be quiet. You honored his presence and claimed your place at the table, too, without being considered a witch. ?

Ask great questions. Here are some thoughtful, powerful questions that uncover, provoke thought or challenge assumptions.?

• If we solve this, what will we get?
• What are all the possibilities for…?
• When things have worked out well in the past, what was in place and how can we replicate it?
• Before we get into a discussion about "how", it would be unifying to discuss WHY we are doing this. Your thoughts??

Facts tell! ?Emotions sell. ?To persuade people, use examples and stories. Great leaders are also great storytellers.?

Know when to hold 'em.?Know when to fold 'em. This is not only good advice for playing poker but also for determining how far you should go with a line of conversation or action.?All organizations are political in nature. Bad politics involves efforts being made that are only self-serving.?Good politics implies understanding the concerns of all for the benefit of all.?You might need to create allies before moving ahead.?

Be a synthesizer. Synthesize what has gone on and then make your point. The ability to distill the essence of what has been said and then advance a conversation forward is a very valuable skill. ?

Bloom where you are planted!?If you wait to get a different title or a different position before you speak up, you might never have the opportunity.?Seize the moment, the right time could be now.?What will happen if you do not get another opportunity to speak??

Beware of mind reading. Do not assume someone should know what you think or feel. ?

Listen deeply before speaking. Ask questions for clarification.?

Be clear on your motivation.?Are you speaking up to put someone down? Are you grandstanding rather than making a real contribution??

Don't waste people's time. How many times have you become frustrated when listening to someone speak in circles and put in trivial details. This is a frustrating exercise called "go around the barn to get to the barn".??

Practice the skill of "Yes and..." ?This comes from the field of improvisation and accepts whatever is given. It builds on a statement and advances it or can alter the direction. The phrase "yes but…" immediately creates an adversarial position.

Don't cheat others out of your wisdom.?You have something to offer.??

Stop suffering in silence. Talk directly. If it doesn't come out straight, it will come out crooked. ?

And if the tears come as they do for women when we are angry or frustrated, consider using this phrase "My eyes might be filled but my mind is clear…"?Proceed. ?

Ask for feedback when the meeting or event is over.?Ask people whom you trust who are willing to be honest. Ask for what you did well and what could be improved upon.??See yourself through others' eyes.?It is a great gift!?

Make stew but serve only meat.?Get to the real substance of what you are trying to say.??

Use "I" language.?The word "you" becomes accusatory. Concentrate on what you know most intimately: ?your own ideas and feelings.?State: "I believe this to be true" rather than "You are wrong or mistaken." ?No one can deny your truth.?

Authenticity shows in your voice and face… not in your words. If what you are saying is NOT something you firmly believe, the listener will know it.?Although we live in a digital era where faces are not seen as much as they used to be, the truth will ultimately catch up to you.?

Do your homework and know your audience. If it is a difficult situation, practice with a friend. ?

Review the interventions. Ask yourself what went well? Not so well? What did I learn??Beware of second-guessing yourself with internal self-talk that sounds like this:?

??"He should have known... "

??"Nobody listens to me anyway."

???"If only I would have…"?

Congratulate yourself for speaking out. Internal reflection and feedback are the tools for continual learning.?

Determine to do it again. Look for the next opportunity. Create the next opportunity. Volunteer to lead the meeting, address the stakeholders and preach from the pulpit. ?Whatever.?Just do it. Every time you will grow stronger in wisdom and in courage.

Now it is YOUR turn:?What are two tips that will help YOU speak up, speak out and be heard?

"And the trouble is, if you don’t risk anything, you risk even more."

—Erica Jong

You can read all four pieces of this article below:

Part 1 https://www.dhirubhai.net/pulse/lead-her-ship-four-part-series-speaking-up-out-being-eileen/

Part 2 https://www.dhirubhai.net/pulse/lead-her-ship-four-part-series-speaking-up-out-being-eileen-1c/

Part 3 https://www.dhirubhai.net/pulse/lead-her-ship-four-part-series-speaking-up-out-being-eileen-2c/

Part 4 https://www.dhirubhai.net/pulse/lead-her-ship-four-part-series-speaking-up-out-being-eileen-3c

?2023, Eileen McDargh, CSP, CPAE. All rights reserved.?

Eileen McDargh is the CEO of The Resiliency Group. She is an internationally recognized keynote speaker, master facilitator, and award-winning author with expertise in resiliency and leadership. The British research firm of Global Gurus International ranks her in the top five of the 30 Communication Gurus worldwide. Her articles have appeared in countless publications and two of her books have been awarded national recognition, including the Ben Franklin Gold Award.?You can purchase her book “40 Tips for Speaking Up, Speaking Out, and Being Heard” at https://www.eileenmcdargh.com/40-tips-for-speaking-out .