Lead with Empathy

Recently, a coaching client who is a senior manager in a professional services firm - I’ll call her “Sally” - asked for my guidance on conducting performance meetings with her staff. She’d been tasked by her leadership to introduce and hold her team accountable to new non-negotiable goals, expectations, and metrics, some of which had never been used by the company before.

Although Sally felt that most members of her team would be able to roll with the changes fairly well, she was concerned about one of her top performers who was going through some significant and traumatic upheaval in her personal life. Sally was afraid that this person would literally break down when tasked to take on more work and new, never-seen-before required goals. So, Sally wanted my help in crafting her approach and messaging.

My first thought – and I told her this – was that she was on the right track by being thoughtful and caring about how the news might land with her team members. Not every manager thinks this is important. As we all know, some managers keep their work lives and personal lives separate from each other and assume their people do too. They just assign the tasks, due dates, and performance expectations with little concern about how these might impact the employee either professionally or personally.

But the reality is that the line between work and life was never as clear as many leaders claimed it was. And it’s getting blurrier with each new generation entering the work force. Accepting that our work and personal lives do occasionally overlap, sometimes considerably, is what respectful leaders do regularly.

Of course, with some folks, the “just do it” approach works fine. But, with others, especially those facing significant personal challenges, setting new goals and expectations without at least acknowledging how these might negatively impact them is a recipe for pushback, a melt-down, a request for transfer or even a resignation. Empathy is most definitely called for here.

Most of us think we’re being empathetic when we understand and share the feelings of others. Respectful leaders do this regularly. But considering in advance how others might react is also a part of leadership empathy.?

In Sally’s case, she’d been empathetic with her employee for some time. And because they’d worked together for so long, and socialized outside of work, she’d been willing to be a safe shoulder to cry on. And their professional relationship was a good one; Sally had a top performer on her staff, and she knew it.

But now that Sally had to set new performance goals with her employee while at the same time having intimate knowledge of what that employee was going through personally, she was beyond empathy. She was worried that she’d lose a good performer; something she and the company could not afford.

Our solution was for Sally to start the performance conversation by being considerate - by asking the employee if they felt they could focus on a performance related discussion right now, or if they were too distracted by personal/life challenges and needed to reschedule. In a way, Sally would be asking “permission” to have the performance conversation, which would give the employee the feeling that they have some control. Having some control in any situation helps us to stay calm and rational.

If the employee says “yes,” then Sally could move forward into the performance conversation, setting the goals and discussing how these might impact the employee, and what changes and accommodations need to be made, etc., doing so empathetically, of course.

But, if the employee says “No, I can’t talk about this right now,” Sally would be fully prepared to reschedule the meeting for a few days or a week later. Putting off the performance discussion for a little while gives that employee time to prepare for it and consider how they might adjust their personal lives and professional roles and responsibilities. And when the conversation does take place, Sally can lay out the goals and expectations clearly while staying empathetic to and supportive of her employee. Most employees appreciate this approach.

Key idea here: when you start performance conversations with your employees with empathy and respect for both the professional work they do and the personal life they lead, you’re more likely to have pleasant discussions and positive outcomes.

Want coaching on having respectful performance conversations? Reach out to us at [email protected]

by Gregg Ward | Founder The Center for Respectful Leadership