As the tiring flurry of those decadent end-of-year corporate parties start to loom, remember the negative and long term effects of the dreaded “Law of Pudgification”.
For those of you that are unfamiliar with the knowledge and operation of this physical law, let me take the opportunity to educate you. The Law of Pudgification states, that for every food excess consumed by the eater, regardless of how many attempts are made to lose the weight from your corporately embellished stomach, the consumer’s physical body form will never completely return back to its previous slim state. The extent of this stomach deviation is called the “Residual Pudge”.
However, after extensive university studies involving many willing, and rather naive corporate participants who frequented numerous social office eating engagements, there are some common-sense precautions that sufferers of this physiological condition can make to limit the propagation of their Residual Pudge when at the corporate party.
- Enlist a Friend: Here your friend’s role is not to engage in social dialog with your corporate colleagues, regardless of how witty and attractive their personality may be to the onlooker. No, their primary objective is to surreptitiously eat all the food given to you whilst none of your work colleagues are observing. If your friend happens to be your twin, this is an additional bonus as the eating exchange will be more readily achieved (assuming you are not standing next to each other).
- Announce that you have COVID: This public declaration entitles you to the wearing of a facemask thereby eliminating any possibility of food consumption. The words “bio-hazard” in large red font branded on the mask will also highly assist in the pursuit of this objective.
- Tardiness: The deployment of this precaution requires military timing to ensure that you arrive at the office party precisely when all the food has been consumed by your work colleagues. If you happen to arrive and notice that all the room lights have been turned off and that there is no one left in the room, then you may have left your timing a tad too late. However, should this be the case, then relax as there is no opportunity for you to succumb to food consumption and you can be content in the knowledge that your Pudge has been protected.
- Workaholic: Explain to your work team that you are far too important to leave your desk and that you have six months of work that you need to conclude for the CEO before you commence your holidays. To embellish the charade, try and tear up and state in between muffled sobs that you feel miserable by not being able to attend. On hearing this, your colleagues will typically have extreme empathy for you and will quickly prepare you a large food plate that they will personally deliver to your desk, together with a vast array of well-meaning and sincere comments of sympathy and support. This ploy works a treat as you can then take the food plate home to your growing teenage boys who will quickly accept and consume your kind and caring gesture, and perceived personal eating sacrifice.
Yes, the Law of Pudgification is a problem that is found in all corporate offices around the world, regardless of the size of the business. By adhering to these simple, yet effective Residual Pudge precautions, besides benefiting your stomach, your finances will also be improved as your bodily need to frequently purchase new, and larger, business attire (for additional girth comfort) will be alleviated. However, there are two factors that cannot be controlled in the influence of Residual Pudge, those being age and gravity. But then again, that’s life!
