Late Again. Blame the Traffic? No. Blame Yourself. Here’s What to Do About It
Janet puzted and putzed and putzed. “Just one more thing.”
That was the third time she’s said it. We were already fifteen minutes behind. Even if we left now, dinner would have begun without us.
Damn it.
As much as I love my friend Janet, this is an aspect of her personality that can- if I let it-drive me slightly bugfuck.
Truth is that she doesn’t mean to be late. She simply has an overconfident notion of what she can do in the allotted time. As a result, she makes optimisic plans, and misjudges her ability to deliver in an appropriate time frame.
In this ABC News article (https://abcnews.go.com/GMA/story?id=2920989, Janet’s in excellent company. Not only is she late, so are many American CEOs, as well as perhaps up to 20% of the American population.
A good bit of this has to do with our personality styles. Let’s take a look:
Amiables: The Askers
There’s a personality piece to this, too. If you’re familiar with Jungian archetypes (please see Social Styles, for a good example of this: https://changingminds.org/explanations/preferences/social_styles.htm), Janet falls into the Amiable style. She’s driven by People/Ask priorities. She likes taking care of people, listening, and attending to the team. She means well when she starts her day, but her propensity for asking and talking eats up her time. As a result, she has no sense of how the time gets past her, and lands consistently late. Her motivation is to ensure that the team (and her friends and her family) are happy, at the expense of her time…and by virtue of that, others’ as well. She figures that if people are pleased, it’s worth it, although people sure aren’t pleased by her consistent tardiness.
Six of one, half a dozen of the other. Someone always ends up angry.
Analytics: The Detail Folks
For those who are the T-crossers and I-dotters, known as the Analytics, you’d think that they’d be concerned about getting things done on time. Well, sort of. Analytics are driven by Ask/Task. What happens is that they get caught up in the mindset of “Well, we need to check this detail. Well, we need to ask this expert one more thing. Well, we need to make sure this reads right. Well, let me see it one more time.” The compulsion to get it absolutely, positively right can mean that a document never gets out the door. Doing it correctly trumps time. These folks ask so many questions about the task that it can add untold hours and days to a deadline.
They want YOU to be on time delivering what you owe them, but that courtesy isn’t always returned.
Expressive: the Storytellers
I fall into the Expressive category, which means that because I love people and applause, I can make others late (as well as myself) by imposing on their time. Expressives are driven by Tell/People priorities. I want them to hear my stories- and if I don’t draw from the crisp military side of myself, I can cause a time train wreck. I have a sense of urgency, but it’s on my terms, not yours. So if I’m not being mindful of your needs, I will waste your time. Lots of it.
Expressives can hang over the wall of your cubicle for days on end regaling you with tales from their summer vacation while your deadline slips by. Not their problem. But they can be yours.
However, an Expressive can be very deadline-oriented if they get applause as a result.
Drivers: GET IT DONE NOW
The one type that is uniquely impatient with everyone else’s inability to focus on deadlines is the Driver. These hard-chargers can get in your face about abuse of their time, and they make no bones about it. Drivers are motivated by Tell/Task priorities. They tend to show up either on time or early. To be late for a commitment with them is perceived as a lack of respect (and in fact, it is).
These folks can take it personally if you abuse a deadline. However, they can also be self-important enough that on days when they themselves get behind (like many CEOs) it’s your problem, not theirs. Most, however, are aware of the importance of respecting others’ deadlines because it reflects directly on themselves.
The Brain Cannot Multitask
With the advent of social media, there is an implicit promise- which is a fundamental lie- that we can get lots done through multitasking. Not only does this slow everything down, but it also undermines the quality of what we’re doing in the moment. Witness a driver eating a sandwich, putting on makeup, texting the office and buckling her sandals while at the same time zooming along the highway at 83 mph. Did I say train wreck?
Combine that with a badly over-inflated notion of what we think we can do, and we have a disaster when it comes to our performance. We cram too much into our days, and that tends to exacerbate the dominant personality quirks that already tend to undermine our best intentions.
This is what Dr. Earl Miller, Picower Professor of Neurology at MIT, has to say about multi tasking:
My guess is that this guy knows a lot more about overloading the brain than most of us do, but yet we continue to expect what science says is impossible but for a very small percentage of the population. We really wanna believe that WE are that capable, that WE are that perhaps 3% of the population that can multitask.
Hate to tell you this, Sparky, but you and I probably aren’t. Which is, in part, why you and I are chronically late, and we make others late because we fail to take into account their deadlines, their needs, their requirements in life.
I might point out that a good bit of this being late, especially chronically late, is a certain amount of self-absorption. Understandable, but let’s be fair. Not only do our habits- good, bad or indifferent- torpedo us in terms of work, but they also undermine trust, our business relationships and threaten to waylay important contracts.
When Our Corporate Brand Promise Depends on Being on Time
Some of us are old enough to recall when FedEx launched a superb brand campaign of absolutely, positively overnight, which kinda, sorta got lost in the translation https://brandculture.com/insights/does-fedex-still-absolutely-positively-mean-fast/. Interestingly, in this article, employees who weren’t even born when this slogan blasted the competition out of the water, have no sense of what FedEx used to stand for- no matter what, it was at your door by the next morning at ten am. Now, when it gets there.
Um, we hope. Look, even FedEx can’t deliver its own packages on time to itself any more.
What a terrible loss of one of the most compelling sales pitches of the 20th Century. We’re sort of fast now, but don’t hold your breath.
Folks who live by being late are much the same. When you get there.
As someone who delivers high level communications skills training for my F100 clients, I begin my classes spot on time for those who have honored the rest of our class by showing up on time. We won’t wait for stragglers, because that teaches those late comers that they have control over our starting time.
No. You don’t.
Because that insults the responsible folks who did arrive on time. And therein lies the problem- if you and I are late and we expect the world to stop spinning until we show up. Or, conversely, if you have an employee, family member or child who does the same. It’s a power play at some level. As long as nobody puts a stop to it, it continues.
So what to do about this if you are chronically late, impose on bosses, friends, family? Possibly let down loved ones, clients?
First: be aware of what you do, the results of your choices, and how it hurts you and those who have a vested interest in you. If you say you can’t control yourself, you’re being dishonest. What you’re really saying is that the rest of the world has to live with your bad habits. Do you really want to wait until you suffer a major loss (a job, a contract, a lover) before you make substantial changes in your modus operandi? That’s up to you. However, if you’d like to head this off at the proverbial pass, read on.
By archetype, here are some suggestions:
Amiables:
If you’re that friendly gabber, and your concern is about pleasing others, it’s time to take into account the cost to other people. This ranges from your inability to end a conversation, say no to yet another request for your time, take on yet one more project just to help out. You know who you are. Set an alarm on your clock, set an alarm on your person. Put the monkeys down- stop taking them on from others who know you too well. (Here’s where that reference originated; this is a classic: https://hbr.org/1999/11/management-time-whos-got-the-monkey) Folks won’t stop liking or loving you. They may, however, stop using you. That’s what growing a backbone does. Those whom you offend by being late are going to like you a lot better, at the expense of those who are happy to take advantage of your generous nature.
Analytics:
The fear-based compulsion to get something absolutely right is just that: a fear. It can be crippling. Sometimes good enough has to be good enough or a project will never get done. You can only edit a manuscript so many times before the Great American Novel still isn’t written on your deathbed. This takes a different kind of discipline, and sometimes that means handing your project off even though your gut is screaming IT’S NOT PERFECT.
That’s right. And life isn’t perfect either. Learning how to be okay with that is part of mastery, which is being okay with imperfection. Some things will simply be forever out of your control- and you’re not going to die if they are.
Expressives:
Your propensity for overwhelming the water cooler or being the life of the party at uniquely inappropriate times costs. While you may not necessarily notice it, after a while people will avoid you because your need for applause can at times be a time suck. It’s not that you’re not liked- and we get it, this is terribly important- folks don’t like it when you abuse their schedules. So be more mindful of when folks start telegraphing their need to be elsewhere (surreptitious glances at phones or watches are kinda dead giveaways here) and close down Comedy Hour. You’ll be a lot more popular that way.
In fact, perhaps the greater gift is re-frame your need for popularity, approval and applause in terms of getting things done on time rather than having an immediate audience. The temporary seduction of laughs isn’t worth the problems your being late on your deliverables will inevitably cause. Where’s the bigger payoff? That will help you discipline your storytelling tendencies.
Drivers
Patience goes a long way for you hard chargers. Not everyone lives by your watch, and your standards. Even if you are the boss, it makes for more friends and more dedicated employees (to say nothing of more loving family members) if you spare the whip and understand that traffic can get in the way. Or, kids get sick. Or, not everybody is on the bus with your intensity. Nothing wrong with it, but kindly, other folks also have a life. So do you, if you choose to slow down a bit. If people are late, try not to take it personally.
I’m not saying don’t be prompt, or don’t expect others to be prompt either. I am suggesting that you recognize that not everyone plans as carefully, takes contingencies into account, and organizes their lives the way you might prefer. Doesn’t make them wrong. Makes them different.
A Note to Us All
Every one of us deals with life. Denver, my home city, used to be a place which took, say, thirty minutes to get from point A to point B. You can triple that now, at least. So part of this is being aware of the conditions in which we operate. To more responsibly manage others’ expectations. Don’t over-promise and under-deliver, in other words. Give yourself time to complete a project, call ahead if you think you might be late, and watch where your schedule slides sideways. It is something YOU are doing, in most cases.
As an Expressive who also has strong Driver and Amiable tendencies (we are all of us some combination of these archetypes), I can draw from the goal-focused part of me to rein in my blab. I can also draw from that part of me that cares about what others need enough to find a way to say no to endless requests for favors without doing damage. Despite the fact that I might be perfectly happy to hold forth to an adoring audience for hours on end, those so-called adoring audiences have better things to do and deadlines to meet.
If you’re chronically late, it may just be time to some serious trimming: of to-dos, of the demands you allow on your available hours, the commitments you make without truly considering the impact.
That said, here’s a parting shot that might be useful to us all.
NO is a fine word to help prevent chronic lateness. In fact, if you’re a harried, overworked, stressed-out (Amiable, Analytic, Driver, Expressive) this is your best Life Hack.
If you and I said NO more often to the burdens, chores, commitments that others are happy to hand us, chances are we’d have plenty of time to show up.
On time.
But that’s for another article.