The Last Smile You Saw

WARNING: This post is NOT for the faint of heart.

A lot of you know about my wife, Paula, and her difficult journey, until her passing away late last year. However, I don’t believe a lot of you know about my struggle and battle through the years. Let me share a bit of it with you today, the last few months before Paula’s passing. I had been taking an antidepressant for a few years by then, and I was feeling pretty good until I didn’t. I felt tired, sluggish, dragging my feet, but overall sad, very sad. Nothing I did seemed to help. Things that I used to enjoy, like going out with friends or watching movies didn’t help. Going to the gym or riding my mountain bike didn’t help either. Back in September, I was feeling so low that I decided to go to the doctor to see what was going on. The doctor ordered a regular blood test plus other extra things. A few days later he got the results and didn’t see anything out of the norm, so he increased the dose of my antidepressant thinking that my body got used to the old dose. While I was reviewing the results I noticed my Testosterone level was low (289) so I asked my doctor about it. He brushed it off and told me it was normal for my age. I believed him and forgot about it. I began taking the higher dose of my antidepressant, but the days passed, turned into weeks, and then into months and I was feeling worse and worse.?

On November 1st Paula’s health began to decline rapidly. She stopped processing what she was eating, and then the same thing happened with her water intake, and finally with her medicine. More than 3 weeks passed of pain, seizures, and gasping for air until on November 27, 2023, Paula passed away to a better life. During the month of November I did not have time to think about my mood, energy, and despair, but a week after her funeral, it hit me. That was the beginning of my end. I felt so much sadness and despair that I’d cry for hours until my nose would start bleeding or I’d fall asleep of emotional and physical exhaustion. I prayed to God many times per day asking, begging for succor, begging for a miracle, but nothing seemed to ease my pain. Days turned into weeks and I could not find solace. I felt emotional and physical pain. My heart ached, literally. I felt so sad and felt so much pain that I just wanted to end it, at any cost. And at that moment, I decided to end it. I began to plan my escape from this pain, my own death. It didn’t matter that I had children, or parents that depended on me. I felt so miserable that nothing else mattered. Therefore, I began to leave everything in order, so that my children and parents didn’t have to deal with the aftermath of my sudden departure. I paid the remaining of our mortgage, my car loan, funeral expenses, grave, outstanding medical bills, and every single debt I owed. In the interim, I began working with a lawyer, to establish a living trust, so that there was no question as to how my life insurance policies, retirement funds, my possessions, and everything with monetary value could be divided and dispersed conservatively and equitably among my children. Seven (7) weeks passed since Paula’s passing and I was ready to meet her on the other side of the veil, even if it was just for a brief moment, as I was going to do the unthinkable and probably the unforgivable.?

Back in December, I was still looking for ways to cope with my pain, so I asked a friend of mine who was weightlifting, to train me, to help me with my diet, and hopefully help me feel better about myself. So we began training, 2 hours per day 5 days a week, with lots of protein, vitamins, and supplements added to my diet. While we were training, my friend told me about the benefits of Testosterone since I had complained about feeling sluggish, tired, and depressed. He told me he had found a clinic that specializes in Men’s health, specifically in regulating hormonal imbalance and was going to give it a try. He told me they would run some tests to see if he qualified and then begin treatment, with injections once a week, for at least 4 weeks, to then test levels again. So he did. At that point, I was so low and felt in so much darkness that I decided to give it a try as well. I went to the clinic, got my blood drawn, and waited for the results. A couple of days later I received a phone call from the clinic:

“Alex, your Testosterone level is within the normal range (500s), however when we ran a different test, we discovered that your body was not properly absorbing the Testosterone your body was producing, plus your Estrogen level was higher than normal. Therefore you qualify for treatment. Do you want to proceed?”.?

At that point, I had already decided to end my life, possibly the following week, but I thought it wouldn’t hurt to try one last thing. On a Thursday I went to start my treatment. I got 2 shots and a pill and off I went. On Friday afternoon I was a different person. I was not tired anymore. I did not feel sad or miserable anymore. My mind felt so positive and everything seemed more beautiful than ever before. I was able to count my blessings, so many of them. I saw endless opportunities, instead of obstacles. Life had meaning once again. I was so happy that I prayed to God thanking Him for giving me the miracle that I so much begged for and needed. I probably wouldn’t be here sharing this experience with you, if it was not for that divine help, that orchestrated my emotional and physical redemption, I’d be one more number in the mental health statistics, of men or women who commit suicide every year.?

There are many lessons from my experience, but I’ll let you derive them from it. The one thing I’d like to point out is that no matter how happy someone may seem on the outside, especially on social media, there is always a darker side hiding, declining to a point of no return. Please always follow your instincts, follow the promptings of the Spirit, or follow your feelings when you feel someone seems off to you.?

#suicideawareness #mentalhealth #depression #hormonalinbalance #testosterone