The last memory's of my Daddy! I love him and miss him so much! By, Christian Mc*y Mazze

I remember the last few words my Daddy said on the phone to me! He said "Hi little girl" and at the end when Larry was taking the phone away he said softly "I love you" It was a few days before I saw him, when I did see him, he used gestures more like smiles and shrugs because he had an 02 mask on and couldn't talk well with it on! I am missing him, his worry and concern for me, he told his cardiologist a few weeks before he died who then told me after he died, my Dad said "I can't die, how can I leave her, she needs me too much!!!" Truer words were never said! I was very worried the last 2 weeks, Daddy had called and said they were putting him in I.C.U. his blood pressure was very low, like 89/60 something low like that! When I went to visit him and finally saw him it was like Christmas morning as a child, when everything was the biggest and best and you got every present you asked for and more! We both smiled and I was hugging his arm and hand! I never thought he would die, it never occurred to me, because he was all I had and I needed him so much, he didn't wanna die and leave me! He was still concerned and talking normally when I had my alone visit with him! He said he didn't have any dreams of my Mom or Heaven which was a very good, healthy sign! I.C.U. was full so he was in the unit they put you in after major surgery to watch you very closely and monitor you, the P.A.C.U.! I tried to keep talking a lot to keep his blood pressure up, I was watching the monitor very closely! I talked to the nurse too! The nurse wasn't coming so I told Daddy to say "Yo Mike" very loudly and he did, I thought that was funny!!! The last week I called as soon as I woke up at 7 am to see if my Daddy was ok every morning, I was so worried about him, he had his own private room by then and Larry said he was ok and Daddy said a few words too, sometimes he was sleeping or getting a breathing treatment with the nubulizer and steam by the respiratory specialist! After I think I went back to sleep, I didn't want him to die and leave me! I was more concerned than Larry and wanted to talk to all of his doctors! I didn't know how sick he really was, they all knew us and hid it from me! Daddy I think told them not to tell me last time, the hospital specialist who knows us told me, the last time 3 years ago after he was rushed into I.C.U.! They treated me like a kid and tried to protect me, I wish they would have been more honest the last time, I really didn't know how sick he was, he was in his own room and he always came home from the hospital! I didn't think he could die, they always saved him so many times when he was very sick! He always got better, I called begged his cardiologist to save him and he did, the last time he didn't nobody did or could, I called many doctors, Larry wouldn't let me talk to them when they came in the room, I had to call them at their office, even a few that barely knew my Dad! I called the hospital many times too to find doctors to help him or tell me how he was doing and tell them what they should do! I was his only advocate that cared and loved him best! I tried to call my old pulmonologist who was retired, but he was retired! I even called another doctor that didn't even know my Daddy to try to save his life! I was usually very shy and rarely ever made phone calls to anyone by myself, but I just pictured him suffering so, I had to! I knew he was very sick, I thought at worst they'd have to treak him or put him on life support, it didn't ever occur to me he could actually die and leave me forever! It was very hard out of my comfort zone to leave the house, I called him on the phone, Larry was there watching him most of the day and night! I thought he'd be home in a few days or a week! He was better 2 days before he died and I missed my Daddy so much, the real Daddy that he use to be and he was getting better and recovering! I just had to see him again the night when I woke up, it was around 7:20 pm., I woke up, called Larry, changed my clothes and I got there he was watching Wheel of Fortune and eating apple sauce! I said I was tired, but I came just to see you and he smiled at me so sweetly, I hugged him on the bed and I said hug me tighter! My last real hug by him or anyone really! I just missed him so much! I was feeling very relived, he's out of the woods, I don't have to worry anymore, he's ok now and will be coming home in a few days! A male nurse took Larry outside and didn't want me to hear what he was telling him! Larry was his medical proxy and I wasn't allowed to know! Larry was also trying to protect me from finding out about the very sad, honest truth too! It was about intubating him and putting him in I.C.U., they put him on his "By Pap" machine his 02 was 89%, but then it went up to 93%! I did run back in the room a few times before we left to go home, I always did, even with my Mom just to check on him and I did't know when I'd be able to go back in a few days and I knew I was going to miss him, but I was sure he'd be ok, he always was and I was getting tired and sleepy and I never liked sleeping over, I was welcome to, but I had no idea he was going to die and Larry wanted to take me home and heat up my dinner, it was hospital food from the cafeteria as usual! I never got to say goodbye he left without telling me goodbye! I always pictured the last goodbye was saying everything that was never said and lots of hugging and crying on both our parts and giving me or a responsible adult some sound instructions in what to do with me when he wasn't here anymore for me! To tell me what to do with my life and future, to find someone who cared and loved me and be responsible like another parent figure! Sadly I guess he had no close friends he trusted and we have no family, so I had to be on my own and figure everything out for myself with no help from anybody! There was no Priest, Rabi or anyone there that terrible, early Saturday morning when he died just a few young techs in their early 20's to comfort me, thats what happened! I did hear there were 30 people in the room when he was dying to try to help resuscitate him, the hospital staff that knew him very well for 5 years and loved him very much too! I insisted on taking his hospital bracelet home with me, so I'd leave with something of his, he always used to give me his school name tags from meetings, the nice plastic kind you pin on, so I just knew he'd want me to have that to take with me and keep forever! I got a little emotional about that too, they had to call and ask permission about that, but they got it! I was crying most of the time, upset and couldn't believe this was really happening, I found out 4 hours after he died, then I got to come and see him and say my goodbyes! I thought I'd have to be admitted to the E.R. I was having trouble breathing myself, lost and very devastated! I could hardly believe what was really happening! I didn't want to leave his hospital room, they wanted to bag him up, I even used my 02 monitor on his finger to check his 02 level thinking, he's alive and in a coma! The E.K.G. line wiggled, but had no number, I even told the nurse he looked a little blue and to please take his vitals right away, she took his blood pressure! I think he was still alive inside, but maybe couldn't talk or move! I dono why he had to die, I think his body failed him and the nurse accidentally oded him on insulin, he was diabetic! They kept drawing yellow fluid from his lungs and stomach, every few days too it kept coming back! I dono why God and everyone in Heaven took him from me, if I had nobody else and still needed him so much! I wish so very much, I got to say goodbye and he told me what to do with the rest of my life and I got closure! He wouldn't even tell me or answer me that question when he was alive or help me have a life, he was trying to protect me from the real world and keep me happy best he could with buying me baby dolls and toys! These photo's were taken February 8th, 2018 at 9:30 pm at night! He died February 10th at 1:09 am, rapid response did not work, they worked on him from 12:40 am and couldn't bring him back! I wanted to call around 12:00 am, I missed him but thought I'd wake Larry, I was always so considerate thinking of other people! I was working very hard that night cleaning the house for him extra good, so he'd have a very clean house to come home to and thinking then, he's at the safest place he could be in the hospital being monitored 24/7, I didn't have to worry about him, but I was a little, I couldn't help it, I loved him! I was also thinking I should have asked for him to sign his book for me, but I wanted him to write an auto biography or the real true story of being my Father, about him raising me and interesting family stories I could save forever to remember him! I didn't understand his book or like math, I barely knew what it was all about, it was about a diabetes research study from the 1960's with statistical data to back it up, or that he was kinda famous then, to me he was just my Daddy and I sat on his lap one last time a few hours before the E.M.T. took him to the E.R.! I worried for the longest time when he was kinda sick and alive, after he died I'd never be able to find him again and that made me cry for him when he was still alive, like 5 years before he died! I'd go to his school and his classroom and he wouldn't be there or anywhere and I'd never be able to find him ever again! The Horace Mann School promised my Daddy a plaque dedicated to him in his Classroom to remember he taught there for 36 long years after he retired, even when he died, I tried very hard with many phone calls to get it there, I don't think they ever put it there so sadly! He gave his health and life for that school, he dedicated his life at the expense of his own life, my Mom's health and life and his daughters future and mental health! My Daddy loved me the very best in the whole world, he always bragged about me to everyone and loved showing me off, especially at the hospital! I had the best Daddy in the whole world! Dr. Stephen L. Berman