Lara's Story

I grew up in Europe and moved to the US in my mid-20s. I became a parent, but soon found out I wouldn’t be able to have more than one child. About 10 years later, I started to consider the foster-parent route. I realized the children I foster may not be able to stay with me forever, but I was okay with that. I decided I wanted to help in any way I could.

As we say in my country, when you have enough for one, you have enough for two. - Adelaide, Foster Mom

Like fate, I had a good friend that was in the process of fostering at the time. We had lunch, and immediately after I went straight to the Foster and Adoptive Care Coalition to sign up for classes.

The week before Lara came to me in early February 2019, she was in three different but brief placements with her brother. The system then decided she and her siblings would need to be separated and placed with different foster families.

Her social worker called me while I was at school, and then it all happened very quickly. After that 3–4-minute phone call, where I was simply asked if I’d be able to take in a seven-year-old-girl, they said they would arrive at my home with Lara at 5:00 – it was 3:30. I remembered hearing the two things you absolutely need to get are undergarments and some sort of welcome toy. So, I went to Walmart for underwear and a stuffed animal that I placed by her door to welcome her. After she came in that night, she never left.

Lara is very sociable, so when she arrived with her social worker, she instantly wanted to know what we were up to. She warmed up rather quickly after realizing I wasn’t a scary person; I think it helped that there was another kiddo in the house, too. On her first night, we got pizza because that’s what she wanted. I explained our usual dinner rule of two veggies and two fruits, which she would get to choose herself. She was very open-minded and immediately began folding into our way of life. We’re very regimented. I think for her this was comforting because she was used to so much chaos. It was good for her to know what was coming next and where to expect it.

I was so proud of her for voluntarily adjusting so well, despite how harshly she was brought into care. At the time, she was about seven and couldn’t really understand what was happening. The day she was brought in, she was at her grandma’s house with one of her brothers, who was also taken that day. The caseworker had told her to come right away, that there was no need to pack because she would be back very soon. This wasn’t the case. I think for her this was the hardest part; she had to leave everything behind, and she didn’t see her mom or grandma for a very long time after that. Even on her first night with us, she was asking me for her tablet which held pictures of her family; we were never able to get that back, either. Imagine leaving your house and only being able to leave with the clothes you had on. Because of these circumstances, I wanted to be extra sure that she was comfortable. Even though she was in a new and different place, she had her own room and her own belongings. She even got her own iPad that a friend had donated to me. I made sure everything was fair and equal. Lara became family immediately. With my children, it wasn’t a matter of “foster kid” versus the “bio kid” or “normal” kid. When we went on vacation, she came with us; she did everything with us. There was never any discrepancy between the two.

Right after she came into my home in February 2019, I enrolled her in school. She had attended school here and there but wasn’t up to curriculum standards when she arrived in first grade. She thought she was stupid because everyone knew what she didn’t, which was upsetting to her. I spent months explaining to her she’s not stupid. For these kids, it didn’t just fall into their brains. They’ve been to school, which is where they learned, and she’ll get to do the same thing and catch up. So I started homeschooling her after school and in the summers for about four years. That’s how we caught up academically.

By the time we developed a solid foundation and routine for her in my home, we could begin locating her siblings and their family members. Lara has six siblings, and many were still separated by far drives which made visiting difficult at first. But I always saw them as her family, so we prioritized being able to see them and made sure she knew how important it was. I was separated from my siblings when I was a child, so for me, I knew how crucial it was to stay connected with your siblings. Now I’m good friends with her aunts, and a friend from my foster parenting class is fostering one of Lara’s siblings.

Fast forward to now, she has been with us for almost four years. My adoption of her was finalized in March 2022. Lara has developed into a lovely preteen. She, her brother, and I love to travel together. With the pandemic, we were unable to go to France for three years. We finally went this year and stayed for three weeks. Last year, we went to California and made sure to see all of Disney World. They also really wanted to see Hollywood; and of course, they had a blast! In the summer, they’re big pool people, so we got passes and went to the pool a lot this year. When we’re home, we love watching movies together and just sharing quality time. She and my son are 11 months apart and get along so well, they truly love spending time together. They sure do bicker like brother and sister!

Now, I can see she’s able to thrive in a community much more positively compared to before. She has been able to break down so many of her old ways of thinking and viewing the world, and she’s really found her voice. She’s very opinionated. This is a very good thing but naturally doesn’t always work in her favor; let’s just say she’ll be a fantastic lawyer someday.

My advice for considering and potential foster parents is to really understand the concept of being trauma-focused. I read a fantastic book called Building the Bonds of Attachment by Daniel Hughes. It covers extensive information about trauma-focused parenting and specifically block parenting. Had I not read it, I don’t think I’d have been able to keep her. Despite all the classes I took, that book changed everything for me. After a few trial runs, we found an amazing psychologist. The seminars they suggested to us on PTSD and trauma were extremely helpful, but the book really helps for foster parenting specifically, I think. It helped me understand my child who was coming from an extremely different situation.

I would say to let foster parents know they have to go to a trauma-trained counselor. They must be trauma trained because foster children’s brains are directed by trauma; they don’t respond the same as children who aren’t in foster care. Foster parenting can be very hard, but it’s totally worth it. Some kids go and some stay, but that part is completely out of your control. Whatever you do, you must read this book, follow the training, and find a good trauma specialist. We were very lucky in having great relationships with our social workers. They supported us and made sure we had everything we needed.

My hope for the future is that she looks back and feels she received everything she needed to have a fulfilling childhood. Because generational trauma cycles tend to repeat themselves, I hope she and her siblings understand they’re strong enough to create their own destinies. I want her to know she has a strong support system and a family of people that love her. I hope she understands her power and ability to create healthy relationships and coping skills. Mostly, I want her to see that the cycle ends now and doesn’t have to perpetuate.

Program Featured in Story: Family Development

The Family Development program works with prospective foster parents who are interested in providing foster youth a nurturing environment to heal. Specialists will assist families through the process, from assessment to licensure. Once the family is licensed, the Family Development Program will provide one on one support for the first two years. The program prepares families to protect and nurture foster and adoptive children, meet children’s developmental needs and address developmental delays, support relationships between children and their families, connect children with safe, nurturing relationships intended to last a lifetime, and actively participate in a professional team. We strive to provide families with resources and behavioral management skills to ensure placement stability.